Sigh, what can I do to help my friend? Probably nothing...

[NorhamGardens]

She's 41 and she's been quite seriously ill in the past and now thankfully, fully recovered. She's lovely, kind, considerate, fun etc which makes it all the harder.

To cut a long story short she wants to meet someone and have a child. She wants a relationship. Her track record isn't good, she seems to meet men who treat her appallingly and then makes excuses for them. I just want her to put herself and her wants and needs first for a change.

She's just got back with the latest one who she broke up with because he wouldn't commit. He lied to her, misled her and completely u-turned after promising her the earth. He did this when she was seriously ill which made it worse. He didn't do this callously, he just realised that commitment wasn't for him as he wasn't the type etc. His job takes him abroad, his parents died tragically, he lost a brother young, lots which makes him more vulnerable than many. This was about a year ago and she's been pining since. She met him a couple of weeks ago - I advised against it - for 'closure' he wanted to explain why he'd behaved badly. He has good reasons. I said 'he'll tell you what you want to hear'. They're now back on as I knew they would be. I suspect it's as simple as he wants sex unfortunately, knowing some of the history and him. I predict he'll be gone in a month again with lots of credible excuses. She'll be in bits, again.

I've been there, I'm sympathetic but sometimes you have to shut that door behind you and decide you deserve someone better, someone who can offer you something more. Something more like you're looking for. It hurts like hell of course, I know but you owe it to yourself. She's wasted so much of her life on men who haven't been interested in giving her what she wants and she's been very unhappy as a result.

What can I do to help? I've been very blunt but she won't listen. I just want her to meet a man who will treat my fabulous friend as she deserves to be treated and offer her the love and companionship she craves and would give freely.

Hi,

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped. I would give her a copy of "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood, explain that this is her and try to explain that she is repeating damaging relationship patterns over and over again; mistakes that she will keep making until she realises that she herself and her behaviour is a part of the problem here. A man won;t make her happy if she is herself inherently unhappy. If she won't listen after all that then that is her choice.

What do you know about her own upbringing?. This re her as well probably stems from childhood; was her own parents relationship an unhappy one?. Did her Dad leave the family home when she was small?. Was he emotionally unavailable?. If so, these could well be the root causes of her unhappiness and chasing unavailable men as she has done will only lower her self worth and make her more unhappy. She needs to rewrite the script and unlearn the damaging relationship patterns she has learnt along the way through counselling.

Nothing.

Be there for her if you have the energy. But it is like butting your head against a brick wall isn't it. And so tiering.

Atilla, yes you are right in the answers to a few of your questions. The book idea is a good one too, thanks. Thing is she's quite emotionally resilient in other areas of life and has weathered many storms and emerged much stronger.

It's just with men. I used to be like this but worked out things had to change if I wanted any chance at future happiness or the things I wanted. How many times do you need to have your heart broken before you learn? I'd say she was happy in herself, she's doing well. She's always had quite high self esteem too, higher than you might imagine given what I've said. It just makes me sad to see such an intelligent, wonderful, kind caring person making the same mistakes over and over in this area. She's love a child and a happy relationship but I don't feel optimistic for her about either. Why does she keep making excuses for men? How common is this sort of thing? Doesn't there come a time where you get fairly ruthless, if that's the right word, and think 'I've been doing this for years, it's getting me nowhere so I'll be more open about meeting people but will protect myself and in time I'm sure I'll meet someone who treats me well and have the relationship I want'

The poor girl. What a nice friend you are to have patience left, though.
nfortunately she's not just battling her own past and whatever unhealthy stuff she picked up from her own childhood etc, she's battling lots of cultural mythology that is seriously unhelpful to women. She's battling the myth that women are supposed to 'give him another chance' ie put up with shitty behaviour from men, the myth that if she can just negate herself and change herself enough she will be rewarded with a lifetime of servicing one man commitment and True Love, and that endless patience andsubservience and forgiveness are the ways a woman convinces a reluctant-to-commit man that she really is The One.

If it were me I would be trying to sell your friend on the joys of single parenthood. Not to the extent that she stops taking her pill in order to get pregnant by a particular man so he's 'forced' to commit - he might fuck off, he might be justifiably angry if she tries to trap him into fatherhood, or he might do his fatherly duty but resent her forever - but that she considers whether she wants a child enough to go it alone and then looks into sperm donation/adoption etc.

I do not think there is much you can do, difficult though that may be.

When they were together he did not want to commit so she broke it off. He did not dump her. Even though it may be unrealistic you could try to look on the positive side. He may be totally in love with her, but when she was seriously ill quite early(?) in their relationship maybe he did find it difficult to commit. It is awful to say, but it is probably difficult planning a future or feeling secure with someone who is extremely ill. I know this is terrible. If a couple has been together for long enough/loved enough, of course they would never leave each other if one was ill. But early on... Commitment might be difficult for some.

When she dumped him maybe he was totally devastated and regretful, realizing what he had lost.

Hopefully he will treat he amazingly this time around and they will live happily ever after.