what would you do?

[breakaway]

hi, posted here last week, after finding out h had been in contact with ow whom he had an EA with 18 months ago, and has been telling fantastical lies.
anyway Ive told him its over with us, he has been flitting between nasty and nice, through fear of possible violence I then said go away and sort yourself out and we'll see in the future.
I am moving out in 5 days, and my problem is do I let him help, the house needs furnishing and I have no money, or money or help for removals.
he has said he will do it for the children, but I know if I tell him its 100% over he is likely to not help.
would you take the help and deal with it after move, or do I tell him now and try to find another way. BTW i am not in the habit of using people, but he has put me and children through years of stress and I want my kids to be settled.

Sorry, but why are you moving out?

this is a temporary rented property and i/we were offered housing trust property, he was supposed to be moving with us, but when i found out I decided to go it alone, i'd only just put him on the tenancy of this house.

Oh, I see. That's different. Yes, by all means accept his help. You would be doing it for the DC. It doesn't absolve him from his previous bad behaviour. Only an absolute arsehole of the highest order would withdraw his offer of help upon hearing it was "100% over". Then again, he might be an absolute arsehole.

However, given the fear of possible violence, I really would not lead him on if I were you.

im not telling him i'll take him back, ive said i don't trust him and not to do things in the hope of getting back with me, but because he's desperate he'll try all the tactics to get what he wants.

Are you on benefits? Could you get some kind of government loan for help from the Housing Trust for furniture? It is always better to be independent if you can...

i could but ive got to get back on income support first and then apply, could take weeks. my car has broken down so i cant even do running around for boxes and things, think he likes the fact i am dependent on him. just wish i could do it on my own. he can be manipulative and he is probably hoping i'll change my mind, which have done in past, so I cant blame him I suppose, because he was just texting this woman, he may not see the seriousness of it, like I do.

Could you approach the Housing Trust? Even if they may not be able to help, they may have some contacts who can...

i did think that but i dont want them to worry about what kind o tenant i will be. have waited three years for this.

actually, i start as i meant to go on - he wouldnt be welcome over the doorstep of the new house - i would ask friends and family for help or frankly, just go without things - you have the rest of life to get the new place straight, so long as you and the dcs are in it and happy 'stuff' dosent matter!

look on freecycle, scour bootsales etc and you will be amazed at the home you can put together with a bit of imagination!

good luck!

i was in a similiar situation and i DID get the help off the ex. you need help with dc,thats all there is to it

is he wanting to actually move in with you now?

thats what i want to do, but easier said than done, only have my dad, who hasnt got much money himself. i feel like i just need to keep him sweet till ive gone, then deal with it

Take his help for now. But look on freecycle for bits and bobs for the house. Some people like me give away lots and lots of useful things.

yes thanks for that jax, i do use it a lot already!! tiffany, he won't go, gets bleating on about having to sleep in his work van, which he did for a week, so have let him use the sofa for a few nights.
he wants everything back as it was, he doesnt seem able to let go, but ive told him countless times that i cannot offer him anything

does he know the address of your new place?

yes, he was supposed to be moving with us, he seems to have accepted that I cant offer him anything, but he's probably just biding his time

any MNers nearby who could help with the move?

aahh how sweet

Where are you?

im in molesey moving to walton on thames surrey

not near me then!!

think you need to be claiming income support for 26 weeks before you can apply for social fund loan. not too sure tho

yes i stupidly stopped claiming it in jan, so we could be a couple, so they can do quick reclaim i think. don't mind waiting or furniture, it is just the removals. i'lll think i'll let him do it and deal with the rest when i get there.
he wants me to get excited about moving becaue he feels guilty for what he's done, but once im in, then at least i can close the door and accept the help as payment for treating me like a mug.

right lets have a list of what you need breakaway pots, pans, spoons, kitchen stuff, come on lovey.

Pretty sure between the MN lot we can supply something to help you out.

Right from where I live to W O T google maps say it is 1 hour away, which is about right. Have a friend who lives near there. Cant help you move, but am very happy to help you out with household 'stuff' Also pretty sure my DH would be more than happy if I got rid of some things. I dont mean that in a patronising way, but if it would help you then I am happy to drop some things round.

jax that is very kind of you. i have all those things, it is oven, washing machine, fridge and sofa that he is supposed to be getting. oh and boxes for packing. thankyou anyway.

ah I see - I cant help with those things, although could have given you a sofa and fridge last year. Bugger.

If there is anything else let me know.

Is the house that you are in just now fully furnished? try looking on freecycle and posting some wanted ads, or contact your local British Heart Foundation furniture store to see if they have anything you can have.

Where is your ex going to get those items from?