I am really tempted to write to mother and bio father telling them what I really feel but.

[BumptiousandBustly]

My biological father, I currently have not relationship with at all, apart from the letters he sends me explaining that it isn't ALL my fault I am angry with him, and that my mother and step father poisoned me against him. That MAYBE he could have tried a little bit harder etc.

The reason we have no relationship at all is that he is a really really crap father.

He also is desperate to prove that I am totally fucked up - as it justifies him spending that last 33+ years blaming my mother for leaving him and ruining his life.

I could give many examples of this. Last time we didn't speak for five years he sent me all these letters explaining how it wasn't all my fault and I could feel abandoned if I really wanted to etc.

a few examples of him are: When I was being really really badly bullied at school so I finally changed schools telling me I would be bullied at the new school too.

Telling me that cognitive behavior therapy would ruin my life, and then two months later, when I decided I didn't need therapy at that time, telling me I should get CBT!

When I saw him when DS1 was 1 - basically telling me that I was giving him far too much attention and when I challenged him on this, sending me repeated emails saying that I was ruining his life by giving him too much attention and how relieved he would be when I had a second child as that would finally take some of the attention away from him.

He also said that sons have a much stronger/better relationship with their fathers than their mothers! (which given I have only sons, is not the best thing to say)

Keep in mind that at this point he hadn't seen me for ten years.

My mother on the other hand, I do have a relationship with, but she has no idea what is going on in my life at all - I have SEVERE PND - they think there may be such a severe hormone imbalance they are planning on inducing a temporary menopause to see if that helps. I have home start visits once a week. We are paying for a someone to have the kids three hours a week so that I get a little rest etc.

Now she would say, quite rightly, that I haven't told her any of this, so how can she know. But the reason I haven't told her is that she runs a mile from all of it, which hurts me a lot. i.e. after DS1 was born and I was struggling, I phone her up and said: "i have been feeling really bad for a few weeks, I am feeling a little bit better this week, but still!" her response was: "glad you are feeling better, got to go!"

It turns out that she was actually in the town I live in when DS1 was born, but didn't come and see us, and only told me 18 months later as a huge joke.

She refused to come and help with DS2's birth, when we had no-one else to look after DS1 - she said "but I might have to come for as long as a week - for just one event!"

When she does come and stay (which to be fair is every few months as she is very keen on DS1), she ignores what I say about the kids, she "helps" but only in ways that she wants to - not in ways I ask her to (i.e. can you keep an eye on DS2 while I cook quickly).

She happened to be visiting when I ended up in hospital for ten days with what turned out to be my appendix and an ovarian cyst. DH has to come back from work as she wouldn't look after kids on her own, even for half a day - AND, on the way to A and E I said, maybe when DS2 is asleep - DH could come and see me at the hospital and she said "or I could hoover!" - and would only leave that at a "lets see"

She is only 59 btw, fit and healthy etc.

So my question is: I want to write to both of them and tell them how I really feel BUT:

I always think: What are you trying to achieve - with my bio father - I will achieve nothing. He will simply bombard me with letters justifying his position.

With my mother - I suppose I am still hoping on some level that we can improve our relationship - but bitter experiance tells me that I will just end up very hurt and upset, and being told that I am totally unreasonable to expect anything.

HOWEVER, I really fedup of being the one who always keeps quite and they can then impose their world view on me and live in their own little bubbles about it.

I could keep my mouth shut with my bio father, if it wasn't for the fact that he sends me these letters.

with my mother, we have really stilted conversations about once every three weeks - about absolutely nothing. I know I will end up really hurt by this, but, though I don't want to actually cut contact with her, I wouldn't mind a break for a few weeks/months from these horrible phone calls.

I say horrible as I KNOW she knows all is not as it should be but she never challenges it because she doesn't want to know.

Sorry its so long, Please don't reply by telling me I should just be grateful to have parents - there is a very long history to this and I have arrived at this place after a lot of pain, lots of trying to communicate with these people and I am so fed up of just keeping quiet about it all.

Please be gentel

Hi,

It seems to me like all the adult figures in your life have failed you abjectly, it is not your fault they are this way.

Write it all down, every last bit of it but don't send it. Destroy the letter afterwards.

Don't read your Dad's letters if you can recognise his handwriting on the envelope; send them back unopened or destroy them before reading. He just wants to use you as justification for his poor choice of actions, yet another action of a toxic parent.

You do not need their "approval" any more; perhaps this is why you want to maintain on some level a relationship with your mother and not cut contact. She is not and never has been the person you would like her to be. She never will be either. She does not bring anything really at all positive in your life, let alone that of your children as well. She is patently not interested, my own mother in that regard is very similar. Also such toxic people are inclined also to pass on all their issues to the next generation i.e your children as well.

How do you think things would be with regards to yourself if you were to cut contact completely with these two?. Many adult children of such toxic parents have FOG - fear, obligation, guilt so this is also perhaps why you have not made a complete break from them as well.

What does your DH think of them?.

Would suggest you post or read the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages as it may help you as well. You may also want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as well as a book entitled "Children of the Self Absorbed" (cannot recall the author but that is its title).

Thankyou for your message, lots to think about - am dealing with kids now, but will come back later and post again.

I think Attila's probably right: start returning his letters unopened or just bin them.

Neither of them is likely to change.

It's a bit of a trick of Nature that the only qualification for being a parent is fertility. Some people who would be fabulous parents never get the chance, whilst others give birth easy as winking but just don't care enough to bring them up properly, or think their job is done if they feed the children and get them to bed on time. They tell themselves they're great parents but they don't truly consider you, the real live human being, in their parenting project.

I second what Attila says, write the letters, say everything you would say to your parents if there was any chance they would listen, dump your bitterness on paper, and then either put it away in a special box or ceremoniously burn it. It's not fair that you ended up with two self-absorbed non-parents as you deserve so much better. Thank God you are able to give your own children what you never had.

Posting in Stately homes is a really useful way to express your hurt and anger, and be with people in similar situations that will understand and empathise. That makes it feel a little less isolating, knowing you're not the only one.

Another exercise: Write a list of what a decent or normal mother/ father should be. Tick off the ones that your parents did/ were. It's a stark way to show yourself that it's them, NOT YOU. You deserve so much better than this.

Another book is "Homecoming" by John Bradshaw. It's heavy going, but worth it.

I have a similarly difficult relationship with my father and have thought many times about writing him a letter. I decided against it because it will not achieve what I want it to, which is for him to change, and I would feel even worse then.

I agree that you should probably write it all down as it will help, but don't send the letters. It will really not do anything to make these people change or apologise or anything that may make you feel better.

Atilla

Many thanks for your post. I have completely cut contact with my biological father, unfortunately this is when he starts sending me letters justifying himself. but yes, I can recognize his handwriting, so I might get DH to read them to make sure nothing has actually happened and then just bin them.

With my mother its more complicated, I think I am first of all frightened of being totally alone if, god forbid, DH and I ever were to break up. I am also very aware that anything I do will be regarded as totally down to me being "difficult/demanding/unreasonable" etc and I guess I am scared that they are actually right and I am the problem. (this spreads throughout the family, even the siblings I get on with think I should just let it go), so what if they are right and I am just this needy, difficult, unreasonable person? Plus as you say there would be huge guilt involved in this.

While with my bio father I have dealt with the guilt long ago - frankly he can shove it!

Thankyou annie - I'm afraid it was actually three parents (I haven't even got to the subject of my step father!!!)

ThisishowIfeel - I have seen the stately homes thread but have always somehow thought that I could not justify posting in there, compared to some of the experiences people on there have had - also I guess outlining how crap I feel they are - I can hear their excuses, justifications and I suppose their blame of me for feeling that way as I say/write it!

Eglu - you are right, it won't change anything - I suppose I am just so frustrated with always being the one that keeps their world view intact and doesn't challenge it, despite the fact that it has no relation to my world view at all. Also my mother prides herself on honesty - and always saying how she feels about things - well how come I feel like I am lying all the time - simply to preserve the status quo and because telling her "wouldn't achieve anything" - Which it really wouldn't - its just frustrating.

HOney, just destroy the letters from your 'dad' Don't even get DH to read them.

So what if something has happened? PLENTY has happened in your life and he did worse than nothing, he sabotaged any idea of anything positive happening.

Sod them BOTH! sod them ALL!

Do you have In-laws? Are they any good? 'Adopt' them as your own parents instead if you need to. My mum did this!

If these people were 'friends' you'd have ditched them in a hail of F*ck you's ages ago.

detach, detach, detach.

Littlemisshissyfit - I did infact tear(sp) the last letter in to little pieces today, it was very satisfying.

I do have lovely in-laws and have basically adopted MIL as my mother - I talk to her most days.

I agree totally with what you say about detach, detach, detach - and I realise that if I was reading this that someone else had written then I would be saying pretty much the same things.

but somehow the thought of admiting how bad it really is by cutting her out - and therefore admitting that she too never actually loved me enough to put me first - is really hard and makes me feel really unlovable and to blame.

I know it's hard. We all see that and our heart breaks for you to have to do this, but you must protect yourself and your family unit.

My mum found her MIL to be a better mother than her own and they were closer in the end than she was to her son, who cheated on my mum and left. My Nan stood my by Mum, not dad, she was ashamed of him for what he did, and he knew it. She died the same year it all came out.

Put post it notes up to remind yourself to detach! You can do this!

Remember, these adults failed YOU because THEY are deeply flawed. There is nothing wrong with you love, your MIL will tell you that, your DH. Their opinion is worth something, these other dreadful human beings don't have the right to bully you anymore.

Have you tried the Stately Homes thread on here?