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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What constitutes an emotional affair?

19 replies

LittleBeck · 26/10/2005 16:11

I don't want to make this excessively long, so I won't go into too much personal detail here...

Having recently learned the phrase "emotional affair", I think that my husband probably had one of these a couple of years ago.

It drove such a horrible wedge between us and I don't believe that our relationship has ever quite recovered from this.

Because there was no sex, or even kissing or touching (unless I am much deceived), we have come to ignore it, or to refer to it as "the (her name) situation". Our official view on it, is as if it were something we caused to happen by both of our actions, but I don't really think this is the case - I would take responsibility myself if I had been the one to build this sort of a relationship with someone else when we were having difficulties.

At the time, he was going through an awful loss of self esteem, due to redundancy after 8 years, which does explain it to some extent, but it didn't make it less painful for me. We'd been married for 12 years.

It went on throughout most of my third pregnancy and, whilst he wasn't sleeping with her, he also declined any physical contact with me too (something that has never happened before or since). This really affected my self esteem.

I am still quite gutted by it and it feels unresolved.

Should I let it rest, as I'm pretty sure that bringing it up now will give us loads of fresh grief, but I also feel that I made a mistake in not making him take responsibility for his actions at the time.

OP posts:
LittleBeck · 26/10/2005 16:31

Oh and what do people usually mean by the phrase "emotional affair"?

It felt as if DH got away with it, because nothing physical happened, in spite of my obvious excessive distress and the cruel comparative things he said about us.

OP posts:
hallowcarla · 26/10/2005 16:33

Buffing up his ego, imho. That's what an emotional affair's about. Wanting someone else other than your wife/husband to tell you how wonderful you are.

doormat · 26/10/2005 16:35

littlebeck what did he say about you

3PRINCESSES · 26/10/2005 16:35

Did he actually talk about the situation with this other woman, or was it just a sort of infatuation on his part that she was unaware of?

LittleBeck · 26/10/2005 17:26

He's very good looking.

Some of the detail will sound a bit overly dramatic, so do bear with me - she is an over-the-top sort of person, who, it later transpired was also taking quite a lot of coke!

She was in a very vulnerable state as her ex-boyfriend had just committed suicide, blaming her in the suicide note.

She made it very clear that she fancied the pants off him.

He was feeling crap about himself and so I think he really jumped at the ego boost and the escapism from our own, difficult situation.

I had bad nausea throughout the pregnancy and vomited most days, but had to work even when I was feeling dreadful, because he had been made redundant, we had a big mortgage and my work was freelance, so no sick pay. I was terrified that we would lose our house, as our income was lower than our monthly essential expenditure, even before we bought any food at all, so we were living on our savings, trying to make this last until he could find another job.

We had all been friends - me, dh and "sally" (not her real name, of course).

He and sally started hanging out with her kids and our kids, whilst I was at work, vomiting down the toilet.

They went to the pub for most of the day a couple of times (once I found out afterwards that my then 3 yr old had completely inappropriately been left to wander around in the admittedly not busy streets with the other older kids and they had played for some of the day in a public toilet .)

They went swimming together, they had lots of fun.

She came to the house pissed a couple of times and told me that how great she thought my dh was and how I should cut him a break by letting him have a nice long holiday before he started looking for a job again .

He said how attractive she was and how he was having more fun with her than he ever had with me - words cannot describe how angry this all makes me now that I can look at it with more perspective and not being pregnant and half gaga.

I said I thought it was inappropriate and he should stop seeing her.

He went ballistic and turned it into my problem of being excessively jealous.

At the time, he seemed to think it was my fault that all this was happening and I was very confused. He'd always acted extremely faithfully and never even flirted with other women, at least not in front of me, which I really appreciated.

Dunno, I must stop going on and on.

There's far too much here.

Things are actually very good between us now, although we do seem to go in waves and when it's down, he acts like a complete a*sehole.

What ended it all, I think, was that I was planning a V2bac delivery and I realised about two weeks before it, that I couldn't have him in the room - that level of intimacy was not comfortable with him anymore.

When I told him, he was really shocked and I think this stopped him going to see her again.

He told me that he wasn't going round there anymore because she'd been unfriendly with him, but I think it was more like, he didn't want to be seen to back down, but knew that if he didn't stop seeing her, our relationship would fall apart.

Sorry I'm so rubbish at synopsis - I just don't seem to be able to summarise very well.

OP posts:
LittleBeck · 26/10/2005 17:29

Basically, the main positive thing that he kept saying about her, whilst treating me like something on the bottom of his shoe, was that she was very supportive.

He told me that she had asked "Littlebeck is really upset about you coming to see me, isn't she?" She was obviously really enjoying the game and he didn't seem to notice this.

OP posts:
maturer · 26/10/2005 21:35

Littlebeck,
When my dh had an affair with a work colleague about a year and a half ago I had to think long and hard about betrayal. The worst betrayal I felt was the emotional betrayal (unfortunately there was sex involved as well)but the"contamination" of our relationship was the hardest thing to come to terms with. At the time I remember thinking that there did not need to be sex for it to be an affair- he was giving away a part of himself that was mine- that made it an affair.
later I read an article "shattered vows"
( suggested by one of the MN's)and the words I read rang so many bells for me especially about my then held views of what makes an affair.
The article said about this:-
"The infidelity is that you took something that was supposed to be mine, which is sexual or emotional intimacy, and you gave it to somebody else. I thought that we had a special relationship, and now you have contaminated it; it doesn't feel special any more, because you shared something very precious to us with someone else."
I thought that summed it all up!
So honey i'd say he had an affair and I'd also say you cannot hide from this - you must face it head on and talk it out with him. Honest no mess talking about how you feel and how he was feeling. If you don't it will eat away at you- it already is otherwise why would you post this topic?
You can get something positive from this if you both open up about what was going on in your lives at the time. My dh was being made redundant and I was caught up with a new career and somewhere along the line one or both of us got lost! we did find each other again but not until it reached crisis point. Please don't let that happen to you- talk about it- exorcise those demonds or they'll keep coming back to haunt you!

nooka · 26/10/2005 23:00

Hi littlebeck, I would absolutely agree with maturer. Sex does make it worse, but actually is not really the clincher for many women. Also how do you know that there wasn't a sexual element? It sounds as if the possibility was certainly there. Personally I think an affair is an affair, and to some extent I would be less worried about my dh having a short lived purely sexual affair than an emotionally involved one (my dh combined the two). I guess the issue is what to do when so much time has passed. What happens if you do bring it up (or if it comes up)? Could you suggest something along the lines of marriage counseling - not necessarily specifically because of the affair? I think that there is a risk that if you don't do something it will gradually poison your relationship.

MABS · 28/10/2005 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Helsbels · 28/10/2005 10:44

I've mentioned on another thread - I am involved in a similar thing with an ex. Unfortunately, it has got to meeting up and kissing goodbye (no more). I think it is probably worse in this case as I feel such a connection with him (and always have) and don;t have that with my DH. Sometimes tho men and women can just be friends and a good support to each other offering different points of view. Each case is different and it depends on the individuals involved as to whether someone having sex without another party is more or less important than sharing themselves emotionally.

maturer · 28/10/2005 10:50

Does your husband know? How would he feel about your relationship with this man? If it's all asecret then you are decieving him - giving away part of yourself that should only be his and living a lie- sorry that's an affair to me!
Having been on the recieving end of the secret relationship I feel quite strongly about this subject. My dh had friendships with many different women over the years they were never a problem because they were just that a friendship which I knew all about and was part of at times. The difference with the affair relationship was it was all a secret , he didn't want me to find out, he knew it was wrong etc An affair!

Helsbels · 28/10/2005 11:14

not quite all a secret - he knows that I see this man for a drink - my ex has always remained a good friend to me through out the break up of my first marriage and then in between me leaving dh1 and meeting dh2. My dh is so distant to me - he only shows emotion when watching football. If he was seeing another woman I would be hurt but it would show he was alive. I lost my dad two weeks ago and it has crystalised things for me. I have tried talking to DH, I have suggested counselling but he says there is no problem he has never been happier!! I have gone for counselling on my own. I am not taking this lightly - I am trying to sort it out but my feelings for him are disintegrating . I can't leave as we have 2 ds 1 and 4 and I could not afford to live independantely. Believe me - i have tried everything I can think of to get some attention/reaction at home but it's not happening so if that means that by meeting someone else I am having an affair then that is something I will have to live with. For what it's worth I don't intend sleeping with my ex.

Helsbels · 28/10/2005 12:35

and for what it's worth I don't have sex with DH either

LittleBeck · 28/10/2005 18:26

Hi

Thanks for your replies.

I have quickly looked at responses, but didn't have a chance to respond because DH has been around a lot.

Your responses were really helpful. I sort of realised that in one way it wasn't an affair, because there wasn't that element of secretiveness and they weren't discussing it with each other as if it were(as far as I know and I do believe him, because I don't see the point in wondering without evidence). BUT it COULD have been the beginning of an affair (full blown, with sex) and DH sort of played Russian roulette with letting things get out of hand.

And his relationship with her was still a betrayal. And it changed the whole basis of our relationship - I no longer felt cherished and I no longer trusted him to really care about my feelings.

But all of this happened 2 years ago and I thought I might just dig up a load of shit unneccesarily if I resurrected it now.

Nooka and Maturer, I took your suggestion to heart. I realised that there has already been a bit of poisoning of our relationship because of this and that this wouldn't go away.

I brought it up with him last night and for the first time ever, I did it in an assured way - I decided that however he chose to respond, I was doing the right thing by us. And it turned into a very productive conversation - he admitted that he had behaved really badly and apologised properly and directly (which is a rarity - I usually get "how many times do I have to say I'm sorry?, when he's never said it once".

And also, we have agreed to talk about it more, if either of us (this would only ever mean me), feel the need to bring it up, ot talk over other stuff.

We agreed that this type of behaviour is not within the normal boundaries of our relationship and he admitted that he would be upset if I behaved the same way with a man.

I think this was a very good move, all in all, and I thank you so much. It feels as if we can start to move on, now.

OP posts:
LittleBeck · 28/10/2005 18:28

Oh and Nooka and maturer, I'm so sorry that you had to go through your husbands' affairs - this must have been truly awful, as I found even what happened with us, deeply distressing.

(())

OP posts:
LittleBeck · 28/10/2005 18:36

Sorry to keep bumping this, talking to myself, but I just wanted to point out to Helsbels, that DH has had various female friends and this isn't usually problematic. It was just the circumstances in this instance including the fact that the dynamics between the 3 of us changed so dramatically, she pretty much stopped being my friend - she never talked to me again, after this special friendship developed with my husband and she never suggested that I be included in invitations to do things anymore.

Helsbels, not sure what to say about your situation - it doesn't sound that comparable with mine, as until that time dh and I had got on very well indeed and it was the special friendship with Sally that CAUSED the rift between us.

OP posts:
maturer · 28/10/2005 19:37

LB
Really glad your talk with dh went well. Even now getting on for 2 years on we still have to talk about it but each time I come away feeling closer to him. I firmly believe it is the secrets and the things we don't say to each other- but should- that cause problems in realtionships which can get out of hand, often for reasons not atually connected to the realtionship. My dh had lots of female friends this one was different because it was all a secret and that lead to a huge barrier between us and the loss of trust- so hard to give but so easily lost. Hope you keep talking- about all aspects of your relationship. We found making special time for each other a great help. We now make sure we get a sitter and go out together at least once a week. We find we are getting to know each other all over again.Hope you can do the same.

nooka · 29/10/2005 22:50

Hi LittleBeck, I'm so glad that bringing it back up has been positive. It's always so difficult to know what is the right thing to do (and a bit scary to give advice, just in case it isn't ) Thanks for the hug too! I'm glad to say that it is water under the bridge now, although our relationship is still a bit odd to say the least.

Clarinet60 · 31/10/2005 13:27

Helsbels, please could you CAT me?

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