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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have fallen out of love with DS1, and am desperate to fix it.

22 replies

Throughaglassdarkly · 23/03/2011 12:32

Namechanger here as I am so ashamed.

Basically it's as the title says. Except it's kind of worse, it's more that I'm completely indifferent to him.

Some history: DS1 is 8, and a lovely child. Incredibly eager to please, never wilful or disobedient, quite scruffy and dopey, but no more than any other 8 year old boy! But he reminds me SO much of his father, who drives me up the wall. This was all fine though, until DS2 came along to me and my new DP 10 weeks ago. Now I'm besotted with my new DS and seem to only be able to see silly faults in my lovely DS1.

I'm completely aware that I feel this way and how wrong it is, and I'm trying so hard not to let it show, and in fact Im being more patient and loving to him than normal, and we've just completely redone his bedroom so that he can feel like the 'big grown up brother'. My DP is also understandably besotted with his new DS, it's his first, but he is managing better than me to keep DS1 integrated and feel loved. DS1 is no fool though and soon he will start to notice how my feelings have changed.

I'm desperate for my feelings to change back to how they used to be before DS2. Please have any of you been through this? Feeling like your child is too like your exP? Please, any advice at all would be so appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

Throughaglassdarkly · 23/03/2011 12:34

Namechanger here as I am so ashamed.

Basically it's as the title says. Except it's kind of worse, it's more that I'm completely indifferent to him.

OP posts:

Hullygully · 23/03/2011 12:34

It's a brand new baby, it's quite natural and barkingly hormonal. Force yourself to carry on as normal and things will sort themselves out.

PhillipeFlop · 23/03/2011 12:36

Yes, yes, it's OK. It's just because of the new baby I'm sure.

nikki1978 · 23/03/2011 12:36

Absolutely normal with a new baby. Buy this book to make yourself feel better www.amazon.co.uk/Three-Shoes-One-Sock-Hairbrush/dp/0304354295

emkana · 23/03/2011 12:36

Agree it's a new baby thing.

BlooferLady · 23/03/2011 12:39

I've got no experience of this personally, but I do know that when I was born (I'm the youngest of 5) the older kids felt misplaced...and that was a pretty simple family structure, no ex-Ps involved etc. My feeling is you must be awash with hormones that in evolutionary terms are intended to focus the attention of the family on the most vulnerable member. I do believe this will pass - and that Hully is right: carry on as normal if you can and in time it you'll find you're nto forcing it.

seoraemaeul · 23/03/2011 12:39

I agree most likely hormonal and the usually new baby obsessiveness. But find a regular (I'd say weekly) time to have a "date" with your DS1 - just the two of you doing something fun. Hopefully that will remind you what you love about him and also give him some time just to have his mum to himself

loves2cycle · 23/03/2011 12:41

Oh it is awful when you're going through this, I remember it well with my DS1 and as others have said it was a hormonal thing not related to DS1s father. DS1 just felt so big and clumsy and needy and sort of in-the-way when I couldn't take my eyes off DS2. Awful but it is so normal.

It fades away gradually and then you start to remember/love the special things about your first that never went away, you're just going through a normal besotted stage with your baby. It's bonding and necessary for you and the baby and I'm sure DS2 won't notice, except that everything is a bit different right now but he won't be able to put his finger on why

Downunderdolly · 23/03/2011 12:47

I think the fact that you have recognised, articulated it well and are concerned about it speaks volumes to the caring mother than you are and have no doubt that you you feel differently in the short - medium term. Until then 'fake it' until you make it, hopefully it is hormones and the rush of attachment to the son who reminds you of the partner that you love and is more primeaval post birth IFSWIM.

chicaguapa · 23/03/2011 12:47

This reminds me of a friend of mine. She has a DS (not 8 so I know it's not you ) and a younger DD. She behaves very differently to the DD as the DS reminds her of her XP. It's heartbreaking to witness. She's aware she does it as well but can't see how to change it. The thing is that by behaving differently towards him, it's going to increase the chances of him turning out like XP anyway. All very sad.

I hope it's just because your new baby is so new as it looks like other people have experienced how you're feeling. I hope everything goes back to normal for you soon.

Showmeheaven · 23/03/2011 12:53

Gosh, I've no advice to offer as I've no experience of feeling like this, its just :( to read. Give lots of extra hugs and cuddles to ds1.

Original poster

Throughaglassdarkly · 23/03/2011 13:02

Oh, thank you all for being so lovely. It has given me hope to hear that it could be just hormones and it will get better. lovestocycle, I feel like he is so big and clumsy like you did, I'm glad it changed. blooferlady I like the thought that it is evolutionary too, looking after the smallest. nikki1978, I have ordered that book, thank you. And I shall start making time once a week to just be the two of us. This has been suggested before, but daily, and I just couldn't summon up the emotional energy to manage it, shamefully. Once a week sounds more of a valuable use of time.

So basically it seems like I just have to wait and things will even themselves out. That sounds ok. I was just scared this would be how I would feel for the rest of my life. chicagupa, please tell your friend I feel for her, and I hope it gets better for both of us.

Thank you everyone, you have really helped.

OP posts:

blackeyedsusan · 23/03/2011 14:10

try and find something special you like to do with ds 1, be it bedtime cuddles and story or suggling up on the sofa with a snack and try and really appreciate him in those lovely moments. haave you got ny babyphotos of ds1 to hand to remind you how you felt then?

Hormones are tricky things. the new baby with new partner thing will make it trickier as ds1 could be a reminder of how it should have been with ex.

ds will need lots of hugs and cuddles anyway with new baby "pushing him out" (to his eyes) Babies have a habit of needing lots of attention and time!

Goodluck

wonkeydonkies · 23/03/2011 14:14

ah bless his little heart

joanne34 · 23/03/2011 14:42

Op I was like this aswell a year ago, I would say after about 6-9 months I felt as I had before for DS1.... and now when he goes to his Dads at the weekend I miss him awfully again !

Dont worry, you havent fallen out of love with him.... it will all be okay, give yourself time.... you are ( and rightly so ) looking after the tiny new baby !

Original poster

Throughaglassdarkly · 23/03/2011 17:58

Oh joanne, Really? I was hoping someone else had been through the same. I'm so glad to hear it righted itself for you. I'm also hoping when they can both play together it will be better too.

I've been making a big deal about how lucky DS2 is to have DS1. Tonight DS1 has been the only one to break through the crying - which has made him feel pretty special.

And blackeyedsusan, I have been doing that, it did actuall yhelp a little bit - Id forgotten how cute he was.

I guess its just a waiting game. Id love to hear anyone elses stories though, especially onces with children with different fathers.

OP posts:

loves2cycle · 23/03/2011 18:13

The other thing I would say is not to worry too much if your special DS1 time doesn't happen for a while or very often at first. It may not, just because of the needs of a baby being so very pressing and exhausting - I used to feel guilty that when DS2 slept I sometimes snoozed on the sofa or just felt my patience was really thin so I had nothing left to give to DS1.

But like others have said, it will come in time. I didn't start having DS1 special time for a few years actually, as DS2 was a difficult baby, difficult toddler and I was 'spent' on addressing his needs for the first couple of years. But it ironed out fine and is now great - not saying it will take you THAT long to get special time! but just saying don't put yourself under too much pressure right now.

fridascruffs · 23/03/2011 20:58

I had this in reverse a little bit- well not that i didn't love one, but i was anxious that DD (the youngest) would detract from my relationship with DS, who is 20 months older, and i wasn't as besotted with DD as I had been with DS.
Now they're early primary age, and they annoy me pretty much equally

ENormaSnob · 23/03/2011 21:15

I think I have been through similar.

With ds1 when dd arrived, then with dd when ds2 arrived

it is a horrible feeling but for me it did go away by itself.

I would definately put it down to hormones.

NoobyHoHoHo · 23/03/2011 22:00

I had this with my sons. DS1 was just seemed so noisy and rough and I got so irritated with him. It did pass though, and where we are now (DS1 nearly 4, DS2 19 months) is wonderful.

Today DS2 toddled over to DS1 who was eating a yoghurt, and DS1 fed him spoonfuls while they both giggled. When DS2 cried DS1 got his teddy and gave him a hug. When they were outside playing DS1 hoicked him up the slide so he could have a shot. When they're were in the bath DS1 acted out songs that made DS2 laugh so hard I thought he was going to puke. Don't get me wrong - they scrap, and steal each others toys and do all that stuff too!

When you see your two little men, getting on and having a relationship independently - enjoying each other, it is really really lovely. Just do your best to make an effort now with your DS1.

spooktrain · 24/03/2011 11:50

can I give you another book rec? I wish I'd read this when DS2 arrived, it would have given me so much more insight into DS1's feelings

www.amazon.co.uk/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-Together/dp/0380799006

Try to make an extra effort with DS1 whenever you can, and save baby adoration sessions for when he is at school if poss.
DS1 might also find it hard to deal with the fact that DS2 is your DP's son while he isn't.

quickquick · 25/03/2011 00:38

I have DS1 who was 5 when DS2 (DHs 1st) came along and I went through just the same as you. I too thought it was because he reminded me of his (violent and spiteful) father, and was desperately worried he was turning out like him. We planned something for just him each week with one or the other of us.

However when DS2 was 3 I had DD1 (DHs 2nd), and I went right off him for a bit too!

So nothing to do with different fathers, and like other posters have said it very quickly righted itself once the new baby intensity had calmed down. It does change it though- they suddenly seem so BIG and not the little babes you still thought of them as before the new baby came along, but this is in a good way and lovely too.

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