I have changed my name for this in case any of my family in years to come trawls this site, but I am a regular poster.
My sil is about to have a much wanted baby. She and bil are over the moon, as are pils. So far, so good. Dh and I are not so much over the moon. In fact we don't really want that much to do with it really which is why there is a big problem. I feel awful about the way I am acting / reacting and would really like to change, but just can't seem to do so.
The backgound is that bil has only fairly recently got together with his partner. Before that he was with someone else who was, quite frankly, awful. I don't want to go into too many details, but she really was a nasty piece of work who influenced bil quite badly. One of the many things she managed to do was to more or less cut him off from his family. Now I am not saying that bil was made to do what he did - including for instance not seeing his parents for 3 months at one point even though he lived 10 minutes away and they were both experience health problems - I am simply trying to show that she really was not a good influence.
When I had dd, I was told by sil that she couldn't possibly be excited for me as she had gone through all this before (she had a child from a previous marriage) and she had done it on her own, so what I was going through was easy. They (bil and ex-sil) had such little contact with our dd for 4 years that it is almost unbelievable. Although they lived only 45 minutes away by car, they very, very rarely visited. I am talking of half a dozen times in 4 years. They forgot birthdays, then rang me up to tell me I should remind them! One of their Xmas visits, the first visit in 18 months, lasted 45 minutes. They took very little interest in dd at all even when they did visit. We also were never invited to their house and, believe me, sil was not a person who would welcome visitors turning up unannounced.
TBH, although I know dh was hurt as was I, because ex sil really was unpleasant, we decided that it was better not to have them too involved in dd's life as their influence would not have been a particularly good one.
A year ago bil left sil for a new partner. We have seen more of them, although bil's interest in dd still seems very limited. Still, she now knows that she does have an Uncle! He has become slightly more interested, but tbh his attitude still stinks I think. Little things like turning up 5 hours late to our house and then failing to realise until leaving that he has not seen dd as she has been in bed since before he arrived really niggle me.
Anyway (to those of you still with me!), as soon as the new sil became pregnant, bil was over the moon, and expected us to be too. We really have tried our best but simply can't muster any enthusiasm whatsoever. Even looking at it from the point of view that dd will have another cousin has failed to rouse us, as we know dd and her cousin will rarely meet up. I guess that, with me, it boils down to the fact that I don't like bil. I feel he is selfish. He seems to have little consideration for his parents' welfare, dh and I have been helping them out financially for several years and bil refuses to contribute as he says he has no spare money (although he has tens of thousands of pounds in a bank account, goes on holiday half a dozen times a year etc). He happily admits to deliberately bankrupting himself so that he doesn't have to pay money he owes, he is openly racist at times, I could go on and on.........With dh, I think he has been so hurt by his brother's attitude both towards dd and his parents, that I don't know if a good relationship can ever be established now.
But, but, but, a little baby is about to come into all this, and I know dh and I should be rising above this situation and being more supportive and enthusiastic. We have not in any way been rude or nasty, but I am pretty sure that bil and sil have noticed that we hardly rush to look at the photos of the scan.....And pils who are over the moon about the baby have started to make comments about it....Dd is blissfully completely uninterested as she has no real relationship with her uncle.
So my question is - how can we both stop thinking so negatively and start being ready to welcome a new baby into the family? I know that we need to stop thinking about the past, but am not sure how to do this. I am also worried that whilst we do our best to welcome the baby, bil's attitude to dd will remain exactly the same and she will notice this.
Thank you for listening.