Should I live like this after 20 years together?

[Smokinglady]

Three months ago my husband of 20years made it clear he did not think we had a future together. I was deeply upset and could not really understand what the problem was. I have now realised the signs have been there for some time and i feel stupid I have put up with his moods throughout but I loved him and thought things were getting worse due to the pressure of his work. We are currently living in the same house but separately and still talk to each other. He is seeing a therapist about problems he feels he has relating and Issues from childhood. He says he doesn't want to continue treating me badly and is not prepared to continue in a relationship that is not working. I am at a loss as how to move on but hate living in this situation, don't know if I want to lose him and he says he doesn't know if he wants to lose me as I am his best friend. It's such a mess and my moods are difficult to control between crying, anger and complete confusion. I can't continue like this as it is effecting me so much in my job and I am also trying to do an OU course. Any advice please.xx

Tell him to shit or get off the pot - either he commits to staying and treats you properly or he fucks off. It's not your job to wait patiently, putting up with abuse, while he decides whether or not he wants to stay with you. He's had three months of keeping you dangling already, that's long enough.

What do you want to happen?
Want to stay together, separate properly, have joint counselling?
Of course you can't go on like this, it sounds totally unworkable.

you are probably right saying I should not accept this and yes I am still doing his washing (not ironing for him though) and feeding him when he is there and I am cooking. I have always tried to support him as I do everyone in my life......even in my job. I know I should be strong and tell him to move out, but I don't feel very emotionally strong and most if the time my thoughts are all over the place. I feel like I can't grieve for the end of our relationship as it's still ongoing all be it a strange set up. sometimes it's easier to pretend everything is ok, but it's not and I have to accept this. The reason I can't see any way back now is probably because there is no way back. Thanks for your messages. X

Does he say 'I love you but I;m not In Love with you'? This is very often code for 'I want my dinner cooked and my socks washed but I also want to have sex with other women.'

It's always a mite suspicious when a guy suddenly comes out with that "not sure we have a future" line. If it's really issues from childhood it's fairly surprising they haven't surfaced any time during the last 20 years. In short, if there ain't another woman in the background somewhere (that he's thinking about, at least) I'll eat my crystal ball.

Smoking I understand that it isnt easy to simply kiss goodbye to a long marriage that you were essentially happy in after only 3 months of being told by your H that he doesnt think he loves you.

Whether or not you are doing his cooking or washing is just trivial nonsense compared to facing up to losing someone you love and have been with 20 years and were expecting to spend the next 20 with , I know because I have just spent the last year doing just that.

I get the sense though that perhaps now this has happened you are realising maybe you havent been quite as happy as you thought, maybe you did see some signs but looked away quickly because of what that would mean ? Do you have dc together ?

Perhaps you could think about putting a timescale on this if you dont feel strong enough to ask him to move out ? What I will say is it can be very hard not to harbour hopes that somehow it will all be ok while he is living there and if and when you know theres no going back then you should ask him to leave.

I understand how completely shattering it is to be told you arent loved anymore and the future you envisaged being erased and its normal to feel like your world is falling apart. I am now so much happier but it will be a long time before I forget how I felt. If you feel like it there are 2 great support threads on here for women in your sitaution - Chin Up... and Dumplings No More.. Both threads have been brilliant for me.

Try and keep strong x

Annie I thought that about an ow too.

I would also say I am 45yo and 2 years ago finally sought therapy for childhood stuff that had blighted my entire life and the therapy has transformed me

No you shouldn't live like this.
Have you talked?

Is it definitely over or is he willing to try counselling with you?

It could well be that the therapy he is having has in some way turned his life upside down-I see his behaviour as a knee jerk reaction to being more aware of who he is and what his childhood did to him.

it is not unusual for someone to reject everyting solid and stable in their lives as a reaction to therapy- when their emotions may be all over the place. he may be f inding the process very painful- and part of his anger and hurt may be to lash out at his nearest and dearest. he could be taking out his anger on youi nstead of his mother for example.

worth asking him if he has told his counsellor about his feelings about you- and what they have said.

Therapy is a "process" and in time he may come out the other end and realise he does in fact want you after all.

However- it's not fair of him to expect you to wait and sit on the side lines while he comes to terms with his issues.

If you haven't done so already- can you sit down and discuss the practical side of what happens next?

Really, he should agree to move out. He may well be back, or not. In either situation you both have time amd space to re-adjust.

Thank you so much for all your thoughts, it has given me permission not to feel guilty for wanting to move things on now. I have no idea where I am heading and know my life is about to change beyond recognition but looking at some of your posts gives me hope it may even be better in the future once I have had time to adjust to. Ring single! (45 yes old and been in a relationship for 30 of those years) it's so scary to think of bei g alone but then has to be better than what I am currently going through. Keep telling myself there are much worse things happening to people out there so just need to get on with it. Thanks again for the support. X
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