What's wrong with me? Can't care about my mum, or share stuff with her?

[Lookandlearn]

I guess I know really, but just feel I should be able to be a grown up and force myself to have a relationship with my mother. She has long term mental and physical health problems and these are the root cause of the many times she has let me down but I just feel resentful of her desire for sone kind of normal relationship with me. The truth is, I have learnt to rely on others throughout my life and since dc born she has often proved, when I've let her in a bit that this is a wise choice. But my lack of compassion for her is scary. She's just called and something painful and restricting has happened as a result of a fall and all I could think of was getting off the phone quickly so I could ring mil about her hols. I want to be able to fake it or even forgive stuff that she can't help, but I just can't. Am I a monster? Will my children learn to behave this way too?

No, you are not a monster.

You have learned to find mothering elsewhere, and/or to look after yourself - both are fine exmaples of maturity and realism for your children.

I have a very troubled relationship with my mother; our relationship has never quite recovered from her once saying she wished I was dead, or for her radio silence several years ago when I was dangerously ill and needed her support (or so I thought). She never called once.

I'm much more relaistic, now, about our relationship. The truth is we're two very different women who, though related, don't much like each other. There are failures on both sides. But I allow myself a lot of slack in my dealings with her and have slayed the guilt monster.

I have a number of strategies that I use to protect myself - if I'm feeling vulnerable, and a call is overdue, I'll deliberately ring at a time when I know time is limited ( they live according to a weird and highly structured, unchnaging timetable.) Or I'll distract myself surfing the net while I half-listen to the the latest litany of woes.

Don't beat yourself up about it OP. Your instincts are sound!

I completely sympathise with you as I had the same sort of relationship with my mother, she also had mental health issues and physical problems ans I got to the stage where she would tell me things and I would like you think I wish she was off the phone.
Due to her mental health I lived with her until I was 34, (emotional blackmail, long story) but my own mental health was starting to suffer and at the time I had 2 DC and I had to put them first, moved out and she passed away 3 years later which was only last year, I still struggle with it all now so I know how you are feeling and you end up feeling like a wicked terrible person but you also know the journey you have had to go through to be the way that you are and feel the way you do.
It is such a difficult one and I often resent her for having me knowing her mental health issues would prevent her from knowing how to have a normal mother/ daughter relationship.
At least I know i'm not the only one who felt the way I did.
Hope it's helpful knowing someone else out there has been through the same