Strong Suspicions P is cheating. Anyone know how to get evidence?

[agentofevolution]

I suspect my P of cheating. We have not had the best relationship over the past couple of years (been together 7 years and 2 DCs), but he was never secretive before. Now he is.

He used to leave his phone lying around but now he rarely does.It was never locked before.
When I asked him to use his phone for a minute as mine had ran out of credit he handed me the phone but it was key-locked (you have to put in a password to get into ANYTHING even though it's on, not just locked where you press star key down or something). I had to hand it back for him to put in password etc. I thought to myself why on earth would you set it up so you have to put a code in everytime you view a message, set alarm, send a message, make a call etc. It would surely be too much hassle unless you had something to hide.

I confronted him about this and he swore he is not up to anything. However he was a bit defensive, sort of "none of your business why I did it". He said he would take the keylock off, and he did.

This weekend we both went out in the evening. I headed home whilst he went to the takeaway for some late night food.
I called him about the order and he also text me during the ten minutes he was away.
So when we came in he fell asleep on couch as he was a bit drunk I took the opportunity to look at the phone. EVERYTHING was wiped. All calls all texts , even the ones I sent him 5 mins before he came in.

I checked every night since when he has come in from work and every text and call log deleted despite me having texted (deliberately) 5 mins before he gets in.

Therefore he must be making a habit of deleting everything on phone immediately before he gets in house.

He never used to delete everything until it was completely full. In 7 years .

He works nights/backshifts and I work days. We do go out separately. He could sneak off work for a few hours due to the nature of his job and is home during the day (to sleep) before he picks the DC up from school, so I guess he would have the opportunity here and there.

I hope I don't get flamed for asking for advice on how to get into his phone or find out one way or another. What did you do to get evidence or to exclude an affair?

I do not want to confront him again as he may just get better at hiding it if he is cheating.

I'm generally not a paranoid person, believe it or not but the phone thing is very very un-usual for him.

Any advice MNer's?

So sorry to hear this, it's a horrid situation to be in, but in my experience go with your gut instinct but don't confront him until you are 100% sure and have evidence, because if you do confront him, and you can't back it up he'll be more careful and deny it.

My dh had an emotional affair for around 4 months, and I found out completely by accident. He was Ill and a friend was trying to ring him so I answered his phone, to stop it ringing, and hit the wrong button, it showed a text message that, how do i put it, was obviously not from a bloke :) I kept a REALLY close eye on everything from then onwards and found all sorts, but it took me over a week of being a complete 'bunny boiler' to find hard evidence that something that wasn't right was going on. Even when I confronted him on it he tried to deny it up until the point it was impossible to deny.

As others have said, just act normal and keep an eye on everything. If you feel things are 'off' they probably are. The deleting call history etc is odd if he's never done it before, changes of habit are also a pointer.

I'd check his laptop for history, just ring him one day and ask him for his password as yours isnt working - something like that. If he's on msn or chat with her you can log the conversations etc.

Here's to hoping it's nothing and a misunderstanding but I also understand your need to know

Hugs xxx

Also my dh would spend 'hours' on his computer, in hindsight it was obvious, but to this day, because I trusted him, if I hadn't stumbled on that text by accident, I think I'd still be non the wiser!

i spend hours on the computer

and i sleep with phone under pillow

erm, im not having an affair

Sorry just got a chance to check on this.

Well apart from the phone stuff he also often makes excuses to stay at his parent's house 5 mins away, which would be ok ordinarily, except for the fact his parents both work nightshifts. So why would he need to stay there? He says to take the dogs out/help with the dogs when his parents working. hmmm....
We went through a really bad phase last year but we have been getting on better recently since January I would say. We hardly see each other but when we do we are close-ish.

I really don't know what to think anymore. . Still haven't had a chance to check car yet but will do. I don't think he'd give me the password to his laptop. In fact I wouldn't give him mine even though I haven't been cheating. I guess I could ask and give it a try though

Call his parents house when he supposedly stays overnight?

Im confused OP. You say his parents both work nightshift - correct? How could his mother watch DC2 if she was working nightshift, surely she would need sleep !

I know they say the older you get the less sleep you need but this is a myth. Nightshift actually takes more out of you when you are older (I know from experience). I do feel for you however and hope the wise ones here give you all the advice and support you need to get 'through' this situation.

Does you P want to stay over during the day when he should be sleeping or during the night when he should be working? None of this is very clearly stated.

Op, could you ask a friend to sit in their car just down the road from his parents house when your husband tells you he is going there, just to see if he does actually go there?

Is there any female living near your parents who your husband knows and gets along with very well?, just a thought

If he is taking your parents dogs out where is he taking them?, he could possibly meet up with someone then, just saying as my friends DH used to meet his OW this way

I hope it turns out that he isn't playing around,

Anothermumonhere Sorry for not being clear. What I meant was that he works nightshift as do both his parents (his parents work in the same place, but not P). However his mum only works 2 nights per week so 5 nights she is in and she watches DC2 4 days per week. He has decided he will "need" to sleep there after he finishes at around 2/3am on the nights his mum is working so 'the dogs are not left in too long by themselves'

Laurie I couldn't phone them as both of them will be working the nights he is staying. They don't have a home phone.

Jemma That is a good idea, I have thought of asking my best friend. I don't think there are any specific females he knows living nearby his parents. I have no idea where he takes the dogs.

It just seems suspect to me, as his mum could take the dogs on their night walk as usual at 8pm and get to work by 9pm, then she can also take them on their first walk at 7am when she gets back. Or his dad could also. When I pointed this out to him he said that "the dogs can't be left themselves all night" - what, for 2 nights a week? Sounds strange doesn't it?

It does sound very strange I agree

It's unbelievable that he is prepared to leave you and your small children alone overnight but he believes its not fair on the dogs to be left alone ? yeah right

Probably best to make him think you are believing him so that he doesn't get more careful to hide anything, and if he is up to no good you will soon get proof