what the HELL am i meant to do

[ExeterisEasy]

been with him for 7 years, he has raised my kid since she was 18 months or so. she sees "this" as family. the relationship has become awful just awful the last year, maybe more. brief periods where i think oh its OK i can salvage this. yes i know its not all him, i AM hard to live with, im a grump and i dont have the same high standards of housekeeping that he does - i dont hoover every day, sometimes there is a tin of sweetcorn in the fridge that should have been thrown out 2 days earlier etc.

Ive been told tonight that im a whore, im useless, i will never "manage" without a man to support me, he feels sorry for the next "sap" i draw in to support me, blah blah blah.

i think im probably just ranting, there has been far more said than ive posted. wtf. i want to leave but the poor kid...meh...

I don't think anybody has a perfect dh or dp. I certainly don't. Mine took a job in Australia without telling me and agreed that he would start in two weeks time.

I don't think I could manage if my dh was criticizing my 'mothering' or 'wife-ing' as that is what I do. It is my job. I don't want to hear that I am doing a shit job and I couldn't be doing with the pettinesss like the sweetcorn thing. I wouldn't want to be held accountable for things like that. Once a week hoovering in this house!

Are you a sahm?

Op mentioned 'new job' norma

OP. I was married, divorces after 2 years. It was a sham as far as I can tell, though that could also be an invention by my last 'H'.

I was determined, after he hit me, NOT to be a failed family, like my own parents and not to let it fail. The abuse, verbal, mental, and physical I suffered over the last 10 years was god-awful. I have a son with this latest 'H' which was another reason why I had to make the relationship work.

I moved to his country, for 3 horrific years. The abuse got WORSE. My day to day life was just beyond awful. I say to myself that I'd walk into the sea, if it weren't for the fact that I didn't want to be buried in that god forsaken hole. I realised that I had to go on, to get myself and my DS out. We are back almost 2yrs.

H came back to the UK and stayed for just over a year. Turns out I couldn't forgive him for all the abuse, and all his reasons were just excuses. I wouldn't allow him to dictate my life anymore, so that relationship has fallen flat on it's arse. We'd been together about 10 years, he left at the end of February.

For years I feared the failure of yet another 'marriage' Now it's gone, I feel nothing more than relief. I feel free, at peace. I couldn't give a shit what anyone thinks about me being on my own. I'm not a failure, I'm a survivor. HE is the one that LOST ME, not the other way round.

OP, the fact that you have committed to this man, to go to these lengths to try to prove that you can have a relationship that works above everything else is just crazy. Don't do it, it'll consume you.

The reason this relationship has failed - and it has if he is calling you names like WHORE - is because of HIM.

Look at all the sacrifices you have made for him, for the life with him, and this is how he repays you?

Have some pride woman, tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not stand for that kind of treatment and if he persists he can fuck the fuck off.

I'm old, 43 this year, but I'd rather be on my own for all eternity than to spend one hour in the company of someone who called me names like that.

Don't bite us for telling you what we think you ought to do. You even KNOW what you need to do.

Your daughter doesn't need to see her mother being treated like this. She will grow up thinking that this is what she needs to go through. How will you feel when you hear your own daughter being called a whore by some scummy abusive man, surely you want better for her than this? So you need to demand better from life than this.

Be brave, make a stand and demand you are treated with respect. If he can't do that, you know you have to tell him to go.

Well I do pity children that are forced to live in a violent and aggressive atmosphere and have been slated before on here for saying that their needs should be put before a woman who doesn't want to give up on her ideal of a 2 parent family.

Here's some advice OP - stop trying to find happiness in external things like relationships, men, where you live etc. You need to be able to make yourself happy and indpendant on your own(admittedly an uphill struggle by the tone of your posts), you need to realise that your daughter's welfare may not best be served by remaining in this relationship, you need to understand that a man who calls you a whore, even in the heat of an arguement, is probably not a good man and probably doesn't like, never mind love, you very much. Work out whether this is a healthy relationship for everyone involved and then decide whether it is salvadgeable or not. Think about what you and he are teaching your daughter about how relarionships are meant to be. Is it good enough?

there's some advice.

I don't think that you should give up the relationship so easily. lots of people have volatile relationships and thrive on them. I'm not talking about systematic verbal, physical and emotional abuse, but the bickering that seems to be the mainstay of many relationships.

Why don't you sit down together and have a serious discussion about what you want out of the relationship. Does he want to move on or is he willing to give it a go?

Actually, people are best advised when having an argument to stick to the subject, not to be mean for the sake of it. The only one who wins that kind of argument is the one who shouts loudest, and that's not really "winning the argument" is it? In fact it's not a proper debate at all, just a power struggle. As my dad used to say, "everybody's talking and nobody's listening!" If you're both doing that, well just stop it. Get yourselves to counselling, explain that you can't disagree without making it personal, learn and practise techniques for taking the heat out of things, and find out how different points of view can be constructive.

And don't go off on one at a bunch of strangers who have responded to what you told them in a way you didn't want them to. You said you felt sorry for the "poor kid", so some responses here pointed out the opposite point of view ie that it could be considered better for the child to be out of that atmosphere. Then you went off on a major rant at the terrible people who could say such a thing. Erm... if this is how you behave at home, especially if your partner reacts similarly to how you do, no wonder your relationship isn't all sweetness and light.

(OP has flounced though, I guess, so won't be reading this. Oh well.)