dh use of sex dating sites "only a fantasy"???

[mirikiri]

hello,
I've been with dp for about 7 yrs, have 2 children 3 and 6mths. A good relationship despite a few communication problems and his difficulties with anger management.

I discovered a week ago that my dp has been speaking to other women (and men) about his sexual fantasies on an adult dating site for at least 8 months. He sent them naked pictures of himself and told them "he wanted to do this for real" and told them when he was available to meet them.
I also discovered that he had been using porn several times a week and I have also found out that at the time when we got engaged he exchanged flirty emails with a girl he's been friends with before meeting me.

I have gone through all the emotions possible, mainly disbelief. I don't believe that anything happened with that girl (although I don't think that he would have said "no"!) and can "sort of cope" with the fact that he's been watching porn, although I completely disapprove of the whole industry. I never thought it was so regular (before he had only ever admitted to watch a movie when I was away for a week or so!) and the incestuous titles made my skin crawl. But what I really cannot understand is why he would advertise his body to the whole wild world, tell them in which town he lives and works???? chatting with other people and having sex with them "online" is definitely a few steps too far for me! I just don't understand how anyone could think it's harmless and wouldn't think about the dangers of sending pictures of oneself online!

He says it has only ever been a fantasy and that he never has and never would have met anyone, but as he has lied to me about the whole thing when I was only just finding out about them (not as savvy as he thought he'd been, and he probably didn't think I'd insist on him opening his email account in front of me!), i'm really not sure what to believe.

I believe he must have developped some sort of addiction and even though he tells me he "won't do it again", how do i know if he will or can keep his word? It is so strange, I still believe him when he says he wants to be with me and no-one else, that he loves us, his family, and I still want him close. He has suggested that we go to relate and that he'll do "everything it takes" but I'm so scared that giving him another chance is the most silly mistake I could ever make.

Can he keep his word? Can I believe that he's never "physically" cheated? Can we learn to trust each other again? or do I just need to get over him and have my children grow up without him?

I couldnt live with this I am afraid. Had you not have discovered it how long would it have been before he did meet up with someone. Showing his body and chatting intimately may be fine with some people and there will be people ok with it here but to me this is infidelity and I would be very concerned about the future of our relationship.

I know. one thing leads to another and the thrill might no longer have been enough, soon he'd meet " just for a drink" etc...
I'm surprised myself that I haven't kicked him out! some people seem to survive an affair, I don't know if this is actually worse?
yet I feel he's genuine???? is it because I just want to see the truth?
i wish I could stick him in a box and that I'd get a definite analysis; "sorry, the man you love is completely rotten , no chance of recovery" or "stay with, it's worth it!"....

sorry i meant i did NOT want to see the truth

There is another thread in AIBU right now about another woman going through something similiar and one of the women on there said that men with a porn issue who dont get it addressed will continue to lie and cheat. This man has betrayed your trust, been sexually active (whilst not having full sex) with other people and planned to meet up with them. My dp would be out the door, no talking required. That is purely my opinion and if you have a family together etc it is sooo hard to make the break but honestly I think you need to consider your future.

Dealbreaker for me, I'm afraid for lots of reasons. Trust, infidelity, and general seediness of it all. Yuck!

It also doesn't sound like this is a casual habit to me. I'd imagine it's only a matter of time before he sleeps with one of them, if he hasn't already. Don't let him put your health at risk by coming back to you.

what's the thread called on AIBU? couldn't find it. thanks for writing to me, i really need to get my head round this, but still refuse to believe that there's no hope.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I know how horrible this makes you feel x

I have to agree with SGM though, he won't change. He might alter his behaviour and abstain for a while or get better at hiding it, but in all likelyhood he'll keep going back to doing it.

It's up to you though whether you can live like this and accept it. I tried to but even though my now Ex didn't actually meet up with anyone, once the trust and respect was gone everything else soon followed.

There is a very good chance that he has never met anybody. You can exchange messages with dozens of people in a sex/contact site and not have anybody turn up for anything. At least 90% are timewasting fantasists who want to talk about meeting then stand you up.

Agree with Tiggyd but I think they get addicted to the attention it gives them. Either way, I couldn't accept this myself.

before this turns into 600 posts telling you that he is certainly an evil emotionally abusing 'Chat' article - I thought I'd mention that many millions of people around the world join sex contact sites for the thrill of the idea that something might happen - but not because something will happen - it is a form of mental masturbation - but the anti-male-ness of some of the posters here will soon magnify it to something it is not. It sounds like a sort of advanced no-holds flirting that is safe in the sense that one can quickly get down to blatant sex chat because that is the nature of the beast.

I would be shocked if he was talking on the phone to a girl in the same street like this - but chances are it is people all over the place who are never going to really reveal themselves to each other - online prostitutes often have hundreds of 'timewasters' who talk the talk, get their kicks and never turn up - that's the nature of sexual fantasy - similar to flirting with a guy in a club and hinting that you love certain things and then laughing at him and the scene later - I think we have to be careful not to peg all male versions of innocent activity as hell on earth rape/cheating/womanising behaviours - it just isn't like that..

I bet he feels bad getting caught tho! :p

Mirikiri, I am in a similar situation myself. At Christmas my H told me he had been 'meeting' women online and speaking to them on the phone, but had never met them. My H admitted it to me because (so he says) he didn't like what he was doing and he wanted to stop and have an honest relationship with himself and with me.

I have spent a long long time soul searching about whether to split up or not. My personal decision has been to try and make a go of it - it is important to me that my H wants to stop and seems to be making an effort to show that he will stop and won't ever do it again. The way I look on it is that it can be seen as an addiction and that means he will need to make sure it doesn't happen again. It is a fact that in the future he will be tempted so he needs to be able to deal with that temptation appropriately. It is my view that this requires professional help and support to get through.

I can absolutely understand that others wouldn't have put up with this sort of behaviour, and I think I am probably in a minority of people who would try to continue a relationship in this situation.

I think only you know your own situation and whether you think you will be able to trust your H in the future. What is certain is that your relationship will have changed totally by this event, and it is up to you to decide how to take it forward or not.

dear all,

thank you for your messages. i too probably belong in the minority of people who would try to continue. I feel I have to try at least and I know that he is very ashamed (especially that he has been found out I guess!) and doesn't want to loose me. In the beginning, his self flagelation really got on my nerves, but in the last week, we have probably spoken more than in the last few months, about all sorts of things, finances, house situation, sending kids to school, general parenting stuff etc..., which is a good thing. And then suddenly, a voice screams in my head: stoooop!!! how can you forget??? he did after all choose to reveal to "local people" where he lived and on which days he could meet up without me knowing! if only he had pretended he was somewhere completely different!

And why did he, after I found out what he had saved on our computer and he promised he had deleted everything and would never go near the site or be in touch with anyone again, still feel he had to reply to the emails he got through, basically saying "I'm sorry i won't be able to meet you next week and I won't be available for the next couple of weeks", still leaving the backdoor open?? Was this his way of putting an end to it, to say "good bye" to them making sure they wouldn't think he's a ? Why was he giving them more respect than to me????

Yet, as strange as it may seem to some (most!), I didn't chuck him out of the house or ask him to sleep somewhere else (the spare bed near the computer didn't seem like a good option, i wouldn't like to sleep wondering "what is he doing now??"). Also I wouldn't know at which point I would then be able to have him back in (and he might then think he did his time and has had his punishment) and I'd rather have him near me, looking at me and holding me, whom he hurt and nearly lost.

I guess we will need to work out a safety net. Something he can do before going down that route again.
Any suggestions?

Dear mirikiri,

If he is really genuine about making a go of it, I would suggest going to Relate. (They actually have a page on their web site about internet affairs/relationships).
I was in a similar situation recently (still working through it actually) and found that communication has improved after seeing the counsellor. I also found that a lot of my certainties and complacencies and been thrown up in the air. I realise that it is not always black and white.
With my H, it was an ex and tho' a couple of hundred miles away, it was still a real threat. The similarities you mention above about him not being able to give up the last contacts is depressing.
I did have to be crystal clear about cutting off all contact. I also had to realise that I could not leave room for ambiguity.
My H also displayed that addictive/obsessive behaviour.

To Cupboard door,

I feel that my relationship has totally changed and that I'm forging a new one. The loss of trust has been the biggest issue and has been part of a grieving process. I feel that the marriage I had is over and that this is newly evolving. A bit difficult after 22 years.

I really think we have no choice but speak to a counsellor and even though I can't trust him as I used to, I believe him to be genuine. A genuine idiot also but not an evil one!

I am cross because I'm being impatient with my kids and I really don't want them to be affected negatively by the loooooong process we will have to go through. I'm so glad that at least the weather is nice, I'm tired of being depressed anyway so have to look at the bright side of life...

BanSidhe, what you say about not being able to leave any room for ambiguity totally makes sense.

I'm not really looking forward to seeing someone as I know that I haven't always helped him feel good about himself and perhaps i could also have included him more in my life - i have lots of friends (mainly other mums with kids..) who have never met him etc...

And should i feel bad about writing on here without him knowing??? Am i not actually revealing more about us online than he did??? or am I doing it precisely so that I dedramatise what he did? having said that, you don't know that I live in... :P!!!

That is the beauty of the anonymity here. I wish I'd found this earlier and might not have inflicted my woes on some RL friends. However, I did feel that the change of situation had to be told to some.

The good thing about the counselling was the neutrality of the venue and the counsellor. Didn't know us, couldn't pre judge us!

My DSs are both old enough that they could pick up the vibes so we had to tell them a sanitised version of events. ( I'd also sent H to sleep on the sofa!!) I would not have been able to pretend that every thing was hunky dory.

BanSidhe I feel exactly the same about forging a new marriage together. Our old marriage is dead, and the only way forward is to work on a new one. In some ways it is an opportunity to put right lots of things that weren't right before (such a shame it took such a horrible event to kick us up the bum to do something). I do grieve the trust too (as does my H) and only time and working on it and seeing change and progress will make things better.

Mikiri I agree with BanSidhe that Relate is a great first point of call. And it is also good news that your H wants to go and deal with this properly, and not just sweep it under the carpet. I wouldn't worry about talking about your situation here. You need support and help through this time in your life, and this is a great place to get that support.

It has been so nice for me to know that I am not the only one going through this sort of thing and wanting to try and make my marriage work. 15 years, 3 DC and growing up together, as well as loving the guy and him being my best friend seem too important to me to give up without a fight.

Appointment booked.

I'll definitely save your comments and make a point of raising all these issues that I mentioned here. So thank you Dittany for reminding me about that one!

We had an interesting chat yesterday which proved to me that he didn't really understand why it was wrong of him to contact these people even if he would never meet them. I don't have a high opinion of men who do it even when they don't have a partner... so there's definitely a lot of work to be done. I'm asking myself if he really isn't that stupid not to think that it could affect his real life after all!?

I still feel like i have to give him a chance. But I will be cautious I think and definitely reevaluate in a few months time, at the latest...

Wishing you all the best. I've been down this road too. Has your H also considered sex addiction self-help groups? Whether or not it's a clinical addiction, online porn/cybersex has some similarities to other forms of addictive and compulsive behaviour. People compartmentalise their activities and their behaviour escalates over time as they seek out even more thrills. The SAA model encourages people to take responsibilty for their actions and face the real effects of their destructive behaviour. Might be worth considering? It would show a real commitment on his part towards facing up to this. I can't imagine many people would want to identify themselves with a sad bunch of losers in a draughty church hall on a Sunday evening..