Don't wish to see SIL, not sure how to approach it

[merrywidow]

two years before H passed away SIL stopped coming to visit and I think it was to do with the fact that I had upset her over a family party she organised at our house and I ended up arguing with H during the party. I telephoned her to apologise and received a right telling off. After that she didn't visit anymore.

3 months before H died he physically attacked me, I was left with two black eyes and went off to seek a divorce. As it happened SIL turned up as another SIL was visiting from abroad and I told H infront of her that I was seeking divorce. She attempted to get me to sort it out with H and stop divorce. I told her straight that if her H had done the things to her, as her brother had done to me, she too would not want to 'sort it out'

I cancelled divorce proceedings a month later anyway, various reasons; she didn't come to visit again.

When H got sick he wouldn't go to docs so I phoned her to get her to advise him to; she got angry with me and told me to leave him alone, he knew what was best.

The day H was admitted to hospital I called her to let her know and she started crying stating ' if only he'd listened to you!'

H went downhill fast and she came to stay, then after he died she was coming every two weeks, constantly questioning what I was going to do about the childrens religeous upbringing, how was I going to keep their fathers memory alive and continuously asking my DD aged 12, 'how much do you love me?' and trying to get us all to go and stay at her house 250 miles away.

I got so fucked off feeling that I had only just got out of the grip of one controlling relationship and I certainly wasn't going to enter into another I told her that I was becoming upset, needed some space and I would contact her when I was ready.

Its now 6 months later and she has sent me a text; when would it be convenient for her to visit us. I feel so irritated by the fact that she didn't listen to my request; I WOULD CONTACT HER and in fact would be more than happy never to see her again. DD is in occasional contact with her, knows how I feel but I have said she is free to go and stay with her aunt if she wants.

I don't want to see her, she is very much like my H in her emotional make-up and it actually makes me feel quite 'queasy' at the thought of even talking to her on the phone. haven't sent a response yet but feel I need to do something but I'm not sure what

thanks, any advice appreciated

She sounds a pain, but she is your DD's aunt.

Do you think perhaps you could deal with a visit if you made sure you were in total control of it? Perhaps by meeting elsewhere (not at your home or hers), and with a very defined start and end. In that position, I think I would arrange to go for lunch together and have definite plans (that dont include her)for the rest of the day.

Maybe she'll surprise you and will ahve chilled out a bit.

I dont think you can blame her for not waiting for you to get in contact. She has waited for 6 months (which is a bloody long time) and now has only sent a very short text asking you to let her know when is convenient. That sounds quite reasonable.

How about giving her a chance like the previous poster said and arranging for a short visit. If you then find that you still dont want any kind of relationship with her you can cut her off knowing that you gave it a chance. It would be worth this one last chance though for the sake of your DD'd future relationship with that side of her family.

I think YABU even though this isn't AIBU.

I have recollection of the horror you suffered at the hand of her DB, and as I would've expected, she utterly failed to support you and actually contributed to additional suffering. If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. her culture expects women to be beaten, and that you have no right to anything else.

I'd not even bother replying and in fact I'd change my numbers. Sever all links with him and his family. They are somehow products of the same background.

You know what she'll do, she'll start all nicey, nicey, then the interrogation as to the religious upbringing, that you are doing this wrong, that wrong etc etc. Taking parental advice from someone from that family is a bit rich to be honest. I bloody wouldn't.

Your H is no loss to you, quite the contrary, his death released you from a life of tyranny, violence, mental torture. It also released your DC from the legacy. You let her back in to your lives, you know she's the same as him, you know she'll try to pick up where he left off. Your DC will never, ever learn anything of value from any of them.

She won't have changed. To change you have to acknowledge that you were wrong in the first place. You and I both know that is never going to happen in a billion years.

Her contacting YOU, despite you saying YOU would contact her is showing that there is no respect at all for your wishes.

She didn't call you because she knew you would ignore the call. Sending a text means that she will get to you, sooner or later, you will read her words.

I have no wish to keep the DCs from their family, DD is old enough to make desicions for herself now. DS is a bit too young however I will give him all contact details as he grows up.

Not one family member, except for a niece I am very fond of has mentioned my H's share of the family property abroad; apparently they are fighting amongst themselves over what to do about it and I've left them to it, they know where we are.
I now have less trust of them than they seem to have of me.

Back to the SIL, it makes me feel physically sick even thinking about contact with her; After H died she told me she had stopped coming to visit because the atmosphere in the house was so awful; culturally shes an older sister and could have stepped in to help.

When she married 'out' to an english man she cut herself off from her own family for twenty years, then returned on a visit with me and now being much older resumed her position and used it to influence how she saw fit.

There is so much dysfunction in the family in general; alcohol, gambling, DV,which is all glossed over and must never be mentioned. Another niece has married so far out of her cultural obligations it could put some family members in a very uncomfortable position

It all feels like hypocrisy of the highest order and I cannot bear it. thanks Misshissy I'm inclined to agree with you

Trust your gut feeling. He was abusive, she IS abusive. Don't give her the chance.

The family will cut you out of the property, unless you converted, you can't inherit anyway will be their justification. People will be paid off left right and centre for them to take it off you. Hell even if you were a blood family they'd most likely try to swindle you out of it. Heard and seen it all before.

IIRC, your lateH was from the same place my X'H' is isn't that right?

I wouldn't see her, would cut ties without any drama and upset for the children.

Don't have a showdown just step back.

i think i remember your threads from when your h was still around?

you do not have to contact her and you don't have to see her. i would ignore the text. you're under no obligation, she's clearly as abusive and controlling as your late h.

Didn't post until H was gone Warthog, thats when I discovered MN looking for stuff about abusive relationships on google.

I like to think I would have got up the strength to leave him before he passed away had I had support such as I have seen on here, I was so scared of him.

I'm quite strong and never believed the things he told me about my 'inadequecies' etc; however I learn't to cope within the relationship then after he died, I realised how traumatised I had been and how remains of that stay with me. SIL only serves to remind me and I'm propelled straight back into how I was feeling in my old life; she even speaks with similar intonation to H which I find creepy.

SIL never listens to what is said to her, and can turn quite nasty if her needs are not met.

I'd text back "I will contact you if and when I am ready to see you. Please respect my wishes."

Then leave it at that.

You don't want to see her, so don't. Your dd can see her anyway, and she doesn't sound like someone you'd want your younger child to be in contact with (until he is older and can deal with her, and decide for himself).

Text her back if you don't want to call. Would one of these do?

"No it is not convenient for you to visit us".
"No I don't want to see you at present".
"No, thankyou"
"No"

I dont know about your history with DH and SIL but if it is that bad, dont contact her until you are ready to. Nobody can force you to text/call your SIL.

Hello Merry

I remember your story. Well done on getting this far. If I were you I would ignore her. I would also change my number.

I am afraid that as I get older and further away from the abuse I suffered, I realise just how harmful it was. I had to have contact with my exH recently, and it took me right back to three years ago and suicidal thoughts again.

It shocked me actually just how rapidly I fell into the pit, having been fine for years with no contact.

You must put yourself and your children first and get these people out of your life. The only way they get the message is if you are really hard and tough. They do not respond to normal social signals.

You have no responsibilities to her, she will not have changed and she will bring you down. Don't go there.

Any response to the text will give her a way in.

xxxx

I would keep well clear of her.

you have escaped one abusive relationship dont get sucked into another.

These people never change

Actually I have just sent a text saying ' I did say that I would contact you when I am ready, please respect my wishes', similar to what HattiFattner said ( I love Tove Janssons stories, have you read The Summer Book ? ).

Felt I had to do something as I don't want her to start phoning if I didn't respond.

Realistically, she can't do anything anyway; like you said Icy, the further you get away from abuse, you realise it was worse than you thought when you were living with it.

The joy of having a normal daily life is totally wonderful.