How can I stop feeling bitter and jealous?

[Moulesfrites]

My pil are very wealthy, and gave us a deposit to help us buy a house, which we were obviously very grateful for. There were certain conditions attached to this, including the caveat that we had to get a mortgage for a certain amount, which we did. However, both dh's brothers have somehow, due to various different circumstances, managed to avoid this criteria and so have effectively had houses bought for them. The middle brother accidentally got his girlfriend pg so pil bought them a house as they did not want their grandchild to be brought up in a two bed flat. The younger rather and his gf( now wife) graduated two years ago and have not been able to get jobs since, although I am skeptical about how hard they have tried, and pil are now buying them a house.

I have just has ds 8 weeks ago and am currently on mat leave. I was planning to go back after 9 months and will have to return full time. However, the more I think about it the more I really really want to have the full year off with ds, then go back full time. Our plan is for dh to go part time when I return to work as he has more flexibility than I do. However, dh reckons it will be financially impossible for me to take the full year. I think we could do it if we were really careful but it would be tough.

What is bothering me is that neither of the other two daughters in law work and pil effectively fund their lifestyles, and yet I cannot even afford to have an extra three months off in the most formative time of my ds's life. I will never get that time back and feel like I might resent my dh's family about this if I can't get over it. I have lost sleep over this and feel so consumed by bitterness about it and I hate myself for it as I know how lucky I am relatively speaking.

How can I get over this and let it go?

At least your life's your own and you're not indebted to the PILs like the others are.

For them, it may well be a poisoned chalice.

MW makes a good point. But assuming you and yuor DH's relationship is a good one with his parents, and they do not impose conditions or expectations around their gift to you (Not everyone does. My IL's certainly don't) talk to your DH. If he knows how important you feel about being able to stay at home for another 3 mths - would he considering asking his parents to cover the mortgage (for example) for a short period so you could have that additional time to prepare?

However you could also ask your bank if you can have a mortgage holiday (Many will grant this) and finally, your DS is only 8wks old. Try not to fret now and enjoy your new little baby. There is still time for things to happen to give you more time off. Look at your finances again, yourself, and how much holiday leave you'll have accrued to add to your ML.

All is not lost.

Thanks kiwi, that is sensible advice. I know 8 weeks is tiny and I might feel differently when he is a bit older.

Mw - good point. Sometimes it just feels as if we are being penalised for being the sensible hardworking ones, although I realise that sounds pathetic and smug....

If you can manage it (not feeling bitter and jealous) you'll be a better person than I. I can't understand people who treat their children unfairly. My DP has a brother and sister. His brother was bought a 1/4 million pound flat by his parents "as an investment by them" when he was still living at home at age 32. They bought all his furniture for him as well. (He's not as incapable as he sounds, just filled with inertia). He had and still has a well paid job but had no saved deposit despite living at home because he would take two or three exotic holidays and ski trips a year. Very quickly he got a new girlfriend, she got pregnant, they got married and bought a more expensive house with a smallish mortgage, due to the equity when he sold his flat. She doesn't work, he still works and they are comfortably off with new car, etc..

DP and I have OTOH worked our socks off, all our properties are mortgaged, most of them we bought cheap and renovated ourselves while holding down full time jobs, and not a scrap of help from his parents. Not even when they both inherited mega bucks from his grandfather and uncle dieing in quick succession.

DP's sister has had nothing either, and works full time with two very young DCs and lives in a modest house. Its just the younger brother who is favoured.

It's hard isn't it Nijinsky! I'm not sure it's a case of favouritism here though, just that pil seem happy to enable the other two bils to be lazy and irresponsible, I don't even know if they realise what they are doing, they are always making excuses for them...

Is there a history of it in the family? Apparantly DP's grandparents did the same thing - left the family farm to the feckless younger son who gambled and drank it away while the other son financed buying his own farm.

I think the only fair way in these sort of situations is to give each child an equal share, or give them all nothing at all. At least with having been given nothing, you don't feel burdened to lie through your teeth and be nice to them when they are being annoying!

No history afaik. Fil is from v working class background and worked v hard to achieve his enormous wealth - I just find it odd that the two bil have not inherited any of his work ethic

Neither will the BIL's kids gain any adult benefits! Rags to riches and back to rags again in 3 generations is suprisingly common. If you and your hubby continuee to be sensible your kids are set on a nice steady trajectory.

Can you not be grateful you had enough of a helping hand to get your life together off to a good start but that your own kids will be able to use that start to have a good start including the aquiring of a decent work ethic learnt from your example? Fast forward 25 years and I can't help thinking you'll see the other 2 have indeed been handed a poisoned chalice as your kids achieve stuff and theirs don't as they've learnt to be lazy and to expect everything handed to them on a plate.

Now that Uni is so expensive, appenticeships are like hen's teeth, and the labour market is globalised the "easy ride" through life is getting harder and harder to obtain for our youngsters. A decent work ethic is far more important than many parents realise I think. Look to Jamie Oliver's comments on the subject for validation.

There's a saying in the black community from a popular song "leave people's business and mind your own". It makes for a happier life. There will ALWAYS be someone better off than you, if it weren't the BILs it'd be the neighbours. Envy is possibly the most destructive human emotion there is, left to grow it destroys your very soul.

Look around for the best quality childcare you can so your child will be happy - that's constructive! When your time comes to dole out your wealth to your own kids make sure you do not repeat the PIL error.

Can we look at this from another side?

You are in the immensely lucky situation that your PiL gave you a deposit to your house and provided you with an easier start in life. Your BiL1 has had to deal with an unexpected pregnancy and BiL2 is unemployed - it is nice that their parents are doing whatever they can to help them out as well.

You have no business resenting your PiL over this, they have given each of their children a lot of support and it's not like you personally had to pay for anything they gave to the BiLs. It doesn't affect you.

It's not reasonable to expect them to pay for your maternity leave or to resent them because you can 'only' take 9 months. Ask them to babysit instead. Perhaps they would like to be treated as loving parents instead of cash cows for a change?

fgs, I know bubs is small but come on here. You and DH are standing on your own two feet, be proud of that and all you have achieved.

my parents did similar, sorted my wedding out, but since for DB have sorted his deposit for a house, wedding, bailed out extensively (think another house deposit) for a mortgage but there's no resentment there. He needs it I don't - enjoy emotional support assuming it's there for you to have cos lord knows I love my family to bits but atm for me the motional support is far far more important than any materialistic wealth.

Might seem unfair yes but I think you're being a tad ungreatful - after all it's not about he had £6K and i've only had £3K so I feel I should have another £3 to make up for things (example)

Perhaps they view it as you and dh need less help, I bet they are the proudest of you and dh as you are managing to cope the best with the littlest help.

My parents have given all 3 of us the deposit for our first houses. Because of circumstances, one of my brothers has had significantly more support from them and is now sitting pretty on a vast amount of equity (which his shallow, spendthrift wife is working her way through but that is another thread!!).

I definitely have times where I feel hugely resentful, but these are lessening the more I realise that DH and I are happy on our own two feet, we don't expect my parents to bail us out, and we have a really good relationship with them.

My advice is to try really hard to put it out of your mind. Enjoy this time while your baby is small, it goes so fast, and you really don't need to make any decisions about your length of mat. leave for another few months.

Oh and my mother is constantly helping out my youngest brother, he gets far far more than the rest of us.
He has went on to be quite successfull in his line of work though, which he wouldn't have been without her help, I am incredibly proud of him and don't resent him at all, but perhaps this is because he is my brother and I love him very much, yours are you in laws where the bond is not as strong, could that be it?
I think I would be secretly miffed as well btw.

Keep your independence and privacy. My BIL got financial help from
his parents when he was in a relationship doomed to fail. A long tedious story but 6 yrs later his life is run by his parents. It looks like living on easy-street. But he's nearly 40 and hasn't even got control of what underpants he wears. He doesn't get the opportunity to father his son cos his parents overtake and over-rule him. He's wising up and now paying them off and then looking to get his own place financed by him.

I used to look on wondering why they all fell over backwards to help him out financially and practically when we cannot get them to babysit for our kids. But I get to live my life.

an extra three months off in the most formative time of my ds's life

I'd say they were among the least formative months of your child's life.

Really beautiful? All the parenting books I have read say the first year is the most important? Maybe I need to stop reading them...

Moulesfrites, Yes would agree with Beautiful, I got Dcs at various ages and I took time off when DD started secondary school, that was an extremely valuable time, helped to lay the foundations for secondary/teenage years. It's only in recent times that the 1year maternity leave was an option - previously it was 6 months.

Focus on your good fortunes (make a list) and that will help reduce the resentment.

Lucky you! Wish I'd had such generous pil's...