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Original poster

Should I tell her about her DH's affair

50 replies

makemineabaileys · 21/03/2011 11:01

Have name changed.

If you knew that someone was having an affair (I am 100% sure), would you tell their wife?

My instinct says to keep out of it, another part of me says if it was me I would want to know.

He is being REALLY duplicitous. She has no idea and thinks the sun shines out of his backside.

OP posts:

BecauseImWorthIt · 21/03/2011 13:29

What did you see? Are you absolutely sure that there is no other, innocent explanation?

If he said he was going to his parents, it's an easy story to be caught out on - e.g. next time his parents call you mention something aobut his visit, only for them to say "but he wasn't here".

If he was with another woman, surely he would have created a more difficult story to disprove?

However, if you are really sure, then I would tell her - it will be horrible, but surely it's better for her to know?

Original poster

makemineabaileys · 21/03/2011 13:41

I think if I spoke to him he would manipulate the situation and make sure that he came out of this smelling of roses. I do not know what his intentions are but he is the sort of bloke who will probably do anything to avoid being exposed - and would certainly not respond well to me challenging him.

I really wish I hadn't seen him.

OP posts:

catinthehat2 · 21/03/2011 13:41

The fact is as someone else said:
"you saw someone who looks just like her dh with another woman in X town"

Share that single fact with her, you saw nothing more, nothing less - hence no praise, no blame.

pinkytheshrinky · 21/03/2011 14:01

I would speak to him first and honestly i think i would tell - he could be exposing her to STD's!!!

HecateTheCrone · 21/03/2011 14:05

I would want to know.

I would want to know if the man who looked me in the eyes and claimed to love me, was making a fool of me.

But so many women would rather continue in ignorance and be made a fool of by a lying bastard than know, because they don't want to have to even think about doing anything. or something. I don't know. I don't know why you wouldn't want to know your husband was making a fool of you.

If you don't want to tell her, then maybe let him know you know by dropping the name of the town into conversations with him, while looking him straight in the eye.

PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 14:07

I would want to know.

I would be furious if a friend knew something that was harming me, and didn't tell me.

MooMooFarm · 21/03/2011 14:07

Has he done anything else to make you think he is being 'really duplicitous' or is it all based on what you've seen?

Can't help noticing that you don't seem to like him much anyway (re talking about 'the sort of bloke he is' etc....). Fair enough if you've got good reason not to, and also if what you saw was him with his tongue down somebody's throat.

But if you just saw him with another woman and not specifically, definitely cheating, is there a chance that the fact that you already don't like him is causing you to make some assumptions?

Just playing Devil's advocate - not being judgey, honestly!

SueWhite · 21/03/2011 14:09

Exactly how well do you know her?

Good friend/relative - yes (but only say what you saw, nothing else)

Anyone else - no. You would probably be disbelieved or at any rate not thanked for it

GelflinGirl · 21/03/2011 14:10

I would want to know too. The only thing is theres no proof, even if you said where you saw him he would deny it so then what?? It would be your word over his.

ThisIsANiceCage · 21/03/2011 14:16

Agree with catinthehat.

You know that: "you saw someone who looks just like her dh with another woman in X town".

Your interpretation is that: her DH is having an affair.

If you chose to share, tell your friend the bit you know. Her interpretation is up to her.

PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 14:17

I would tell what I saw, and that only

It is up to the wife to piece it together. She may already know. She may already have nagging doubts he is lying to her. This may kick sart her to be more vigilant and catch him out herself. You don't know.

I would tell, and I would expect to be told.

but I would say I have no expectations whatsoever about what you do with this information. That it is completely confidential and between you two (and stand by that).

TimeToStartACHEEKYDiet · 21/03/2011 16:10

i would want to know. was your friends H in same town as you when visiting parents?

madonnawhore · 21/03/2011 16:18

what was he doing that makes you so sure? did he have his tongue down her throat or were they just together.

also, you might consider seeing him with your own eyes as 100% proof, but unless you took photos, his wife only has your word to go on. That's hardly 'proof' from her perspective is it?

be very, very sure it couldn't possibly backfire on you before you set this particular incendiary cat amongst the very flammable pigeons.

if she doesn't want to hear it she might accuse you of lying to shit stir, which will be great for your reputation.

i still maintain it's better to stay out of it.

PaperView · 21/03/2011 16:25

I would want to know. It would hurt more that a friend kept it from me than if they told me (from the friendship side of course)

But it sounds like you just saw her DH with another woman in town. Could be a friend or relative. What is this proof? Were they having sex in the middle of the shopping precinct?

perfumedlife · 21/03/2011 16:31

Knowledge is power, don't deprive her of that littel bit of power especially is she is being lied to by him.

But, be awre the messenger is often shot, and rarely thanked. Just give the basic facts, let her draw her own conclusions.

I would want to know.

Alouiseg · 21/03/2011 16:35

A lot of the pain of infidelity is actually caused by "being the last to know". If you stick to the facts and tell your friend what you saw, she can at least start the jigsaw if she wants to.

I would want to know and I would be devastated if a friend had with held that kind of information from me.

LifeMovesOn · 21/03/2011 16:37

I can only suggest you somehow break it to the wife. My DH was very clever when he was having his affair - mentioned very casually to close friends that I kept accusing him of having affair (of course he wasn't he said!) so when time came for me to suggest to them he was, they were in full denial and actually believed him (They are seriously pissed with him and never want anything more to do with him).

Tell her whichever way you feel most comfortable with. You have to tell her, she needs to know. It's her decision whether she buries her head in the sand.

Good luck to you, it's not a nice message you have to give

madonnawhore · 21/03/2011 16:37

Also, why would she ever need to know that you knew?

This is why people who have affairs are so shitty because you are now in the position of having to either keep his grubby secret or hurt your friend and risk your friendship with her.

Original poster

makemineabaileys · 21/03/2011 20:43

Thanks for all the posts. I have been surprised that so many people have said I need to tell her. I thought that more would be saying just to stay out of it.

I know it was him and he was kissing her not in a peck on the cheek way, they looked intimate and happy.

At the end of the day tho I have NO proof. Also whilst she is a mate she is not a close friend and I have no idea really what the state of her marriage is. I am going to keep quiet for now, but maybe try and spend a bit more time with her and try to get a feel for how things are at home between her and DH.

Thanks all.

OP posts:

makemineapinot · 21/03/2011 20:52

I have been in this situation and told a friend - just the facts, what I had seen. I didn't speculate or anything. She chose not to act on it and did nothing but then when her X left her for the OW and her world collapsed around her and she had to face up it she was very grateful I had told her as she knew she had a friend who put her first after finding out that other people at work and at home had known for months. That made her feel small and humiliated.

Bramshott · 22/03/2011 09:51

I think Mumsnet in general is pretty hard-line on this subject. FWIW I work in a business where affairs are very common, and if anyone did decide to 'tell' in that scenario it would be viewed (even among the happily married) as fairly malicious and unreasonable behaviour. I'm not saying that that's a good thing, just that what's acceptable and advisable behaviour differs depending on who you're talking to / mixing with.

KeepCalmAndCurryOn · 22/03/2011 10:06

I would tell. There's always the chance that he's shuffling finances and hiding away cash ready for a split. I know someone this happened too - she was a very 'traditional' wife (partly cultural) and had a small baby. Nothing was further from her mind than that he could be having an affair, but she is now living hand to mouth while he is high on the hog, with a new partner and the baby he was expecting with the OW while so far as his wife knew she was happily married to a man who doted on her and the baby they had just had together.

ThisIsANiceCage · 22/03/2011 12:21

Bramshott I wonder about the differences in these codes between different groups, too. And how fidelity/infidelity are norms for different groups.

Out of interest, would you say your milieu is predominantly composed of the OW/OM, the partner having the affair, or the partner not having the affair?

sungirltan · 22/03/2011 18:51

i think makemineapinot has a really good point

you could say something like 'does your dh go to x town with his parents?' and if she says no then confront HIM.

Bramshott · 22/03/2011 21:32

Many different and complicated permutations Thisisanicecage!

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