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Original poster

Leaving because of the dcs??

18 replies

Justforthekids · 21/03/2011 10:39

I am very confused and need some prespective.
H and I have been together for 11 years and we have 2 dcs (6 and 8yo).

When dc1 was born, H didn't manage well the transistion of becoming a father. In effect he opted out of it and spent as much time as possible away from home (both with work and his hobbies) so he was away 3~4 days a week. This has carry on until about a year ago (dc1 was 7yo by then).
When he was at home, he obvioulsy did not want to be there. There has been stonewalling, putting down, constant criticism of both me and the dcs. And no support whatsoever on anything (from PND when I had dc1 to changing school for the dcs)

A few months ago, I basically had enough and told him so. I said in no uncertain terms that I thought there was nothing left from our relationship and I was thinking of leaving.
Since then, he has made huge efforts and his attitude towards me has improved a lot.
But...he still is totally unsupportive and he is still spending so much time having a go at the dcs that it really breaks my heart.

I am now torn apart as I know he is trying hard to rebuild our relationship. If it was just me, I could wait a bit more and see what happens but at the same time, I can not stand to hear him speak like this to the dcs (and hearing dc1 constantly putting himself down).
Afyter an awful weekend, I am really thinking of getting divorced again but I basically feel I would like leaving because of the dcs but that doesn't feel right.

OP posts:
Theyremybiscuits · 21/03/2011 10:46

I was similar, the rejection of me was the first to go, physically and emotionally.
Then when he started on the kids and NOTHING WAS EVER RIGHT and it was all my or the kids fault, something clicked.
I left him and took the children with me.
EVERYTHING is better now (with blips of course) but all our mental healths (sp) have improved and we have a calmer, less shouty, nice life. x
Be strong x

Snuppeline · 21/03/2011 10:48

I've got to say, from your dc's point of view having an abscent father must be better than having an angry and hurtful one in their lives. Your relationship has also suffered for nearly a decade, what's there that's worth "waiting to see what happens" for? Can't give any real advice but I'd say as a first that I would demand that he takes a parenting course and learns about communication with children and gets himself some councelling too. I would not let him deal with the children until he has proven that he is capable of adding something to their lives. It seems from your post that he is doing more harm than good at the moment. I would probably also ask him to move out while he did his courses and had councelling. I'd be more interested in introducing him into the home for the children on shorter stints, like a family sunday lunch. Others will be along shortly with better advise.

Supernanny89 · 21/03/2011 10:48

I understand that you say he's trying, and it is good that he is because he doesn't want to lose you. But why does he put down the children? My mother always used to put me down and I could never please her, and as a result of that I am now, ages 21, very insecure and go out of my way to please people.

Does he ever spend time with the children on his own? Play with them show them affection? If he's making a good effort with the children I'd talk to him and see if he could go and cool off somewhere for an hour or so rather that taking it out on the children.

Do your DC like spending time with him? Happy around him and to be on their own with him? If so then it might just take more time and talking with him.

BertieBotts · 21/03/2011 10:54

I basically feel I would like leaving because of the dcs but that doesn't feel right.

It's probably one of the most right reasons you could have for leaving. In fact giving them some space from him is probably the best thing you can do for their relationship.

Original poster
Justforthekids · 21/03/2011 10:57

I think he is putting the dcs down because he has no idea how to tell them to 'behave' in any other way. Also, he is unable to cope with any childsih behaviour and with with children ...well.. there is alot of childish behaviour going on! So cue for lots of telling of or for him to go silent, not interacting but still expressing a strong disapproval iyswim.

He is unable to show any affection to the dcs (looking at him holding dc2 in his arms because dc2 asked for a cuddle is heartbreaking. H just isn't there).

He has spent quite a bit of time with the dcs on his own (I was working every other weekend for 3 years up to this last september. H was looking after them on his own). The one thing it has acheive is that he has become much more appreciative of the owrk involved in looking after them on a day to day basis. However, he still has not been able to find how nice/rewarding it can be.

I did ask him to go and see a counsellor but he doesn't want to. I have been trying to share with him what I problems I had with the dcs, how I thought about handling them but he has never taken any of this on board.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justforthekids · 21/03/2011 10:58

Bertie, thanks. I think I needed to hear that.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 11:02

he might be trying, but it sounds like too little, too late to me.

Define "trying" and is it enough ? I wouldn't give houseroom to a bloke who put my children down.

He had plenty of time to "learn" how to be a parent when they were little but he couldn't be arsed. How does he think the rest of us fucking learn ? By being there, and participating, ffs.

the stupid man doesn't want to finally lose his comfortable life does he ?

It seems you have kept the home fires burning while he led a virtually single life. Who would want to give that up ?

it isn't about him any more though is it ? Do what makes you happy.

Original poster
Justforthekids · 21/03/2011 11:03

And no dc1 doesn't want to be with him (One of his comment recently was 'Oh no mummy don't go away for the day. When I cry, you come and try to help me. With daddy I t's like he is telling me I'm stupid'. And yes dc1 is the one who has low selfesteem).
dc2 is 'closer' to his dad, but it is obvious he is looking for any little bits of affection. Also for whatever reason, H seems to be a bit more relaxed with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justforthekids · 21/03/2011 11:06

Can't argue with anything you've said PA.

I've been told so many times I was making mountain out of mole hills and that I didn't know what I was talking about (even though I have always been proved right afterwards!) that I think I've lost my trust towards myself.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 11:08

You sound perfectly lucid to me, love x

JeremyVile · 21/03/2011 11:12

He is damaging your children, you know he is.

PAFPM is right, he's trying only to preserve his own comfortable existence. I dont think that means he actively wants to be a part of this family but he's too spineless to start afresh.

I think you'll feel so unburdened if you leave him. And the kids will blossom - they dont deserve to have their confidence beat out of them before they've even had a chance at life.

Your dh is a selfish, nasty bully. And an inadequate father. He adds nothing by being aound your children, he only takes away.

Original poster
Justforthekids · 21/03/2011 11:18

God you know I know that deep down there is a good man. That's what's kept me going for so long.

Why did he accept to get married and have kids if he wasn;t ready for it????
Why doing something because you ought to/ that's what people do when they get older if you don't want to?

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 11:34

Because he is a weak man.

Of course, he isn't a monster because who would stay with a monster ? It isn't your responsibility to have to constantly find that "good man deep down". That must be so tiring for you.

What he shows you is what he is. If the "good man" is deep down, he either doesn't care enough about you to be that man or the good part is so small it isn't enough to sustain a nurturing relationship with you.

Hereforlife · 21/03/2011 11:50

When you split up, unless you are going to restrict contact, he'll have to interact more with the children as he'll be seeing them when you are not around.

I believe every other weekend and one mid-week seems to be the norm.

perhaps a bit more responsibility will be beneficial.

empirestateofmind · 21/03/2011 11:50

Do you think your DH might benefit from some parenting classes to give him some idea of how to treat children nicely? Perhaps his parents didn't set him a good example so he is floundering?

There are some good books out there which might help as well.

for example this

I don't know how you would find a parenting course- someone might know who reads this

Good luck- I hope it works out for you all.

Original poster
Justforthekids · 21/03/2011 12:09

How to talk is an execllent book! I've used it myself quite a lot actually.
It's in the house. Told DH to read it at the time. He did read about 10 pages and then stopped.

I think he found it very difficult because he could see his short comings.

Hereforlife, in effect we have been in that arrangement for 3 years as I was working every other week end. So he knows what is involved.

In some ways, I've been wondering if this isn't what he is really scared about : knowing that every other week end he will have to look after his own dcs.

Need to read this thread again to remind me I am not dreaming and I am doing the right thing.

I am going to see CAB tomorrow and see what I could be entitled to. Just started my own business and I am not earning eve monet yet to support myself and the dcs.

OP posts:
giveitago · 21/03/2011 12:37

If it's taken this long to realise he's a parent and wants to remain in a partnership bit still doesn't get parenting, then it looks like it's too late.He's been around you enough to know what good parenting is.

Best of luck.

Babs17 · 21/03/2011 13:06

i think you should talk with him and get him to come to a parenting orogram with you, reading a book isnt going to be enough, and him going to a course on his own wont work either - but it seems like if you can solve this problme then your marriage is worth saving

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