MIL being indiscreet?

[weegiemum]

I suffer, as many of you here on MN will know, from ongoing mental health problems.

MIL wanted to come over for a week in the school Easter hols and dh had to tell her no - that right now I am having my meds changed and it would be too much. She knows I have problems - we've never gone into the full extent of them as I just feel very uncomfortable with her about that - same with my own family!

After the inevitable crying and "but I just want to help " stuff, she accepted she will come for a long weekend at Easter but no more.

I found out yesterday she has now been telling everyone she/we know about my problems. We live in Scotland, she is in Northern Ireland. All the "family friends" (people dh regards as uncles/aunts) know, and she has had her "house group" at church praying for me for the last two weeks and happily announced to me that whenever they meet her in the street they ask after my health.

Maybe I'm overreacting, but isn't this kind of thing my choice to tell. I now have to go to a wedding in May in NI where pretty much everyone on the groom's side will know I am a mental patient!

I'm fairly loud and proud about the whole "mental" thing, but not with these people.

Was MIL out of order to start shouting it about ... especially as dh told her that it was hard for me right now and we were keeping everything low key?

I think (suspect) she is punishing me for not letting her come for 8 nights (which had not been confirmed and certainly not booked, only mentioned) and restricting it to 3. I really couldn't have anyone in the house as long as that!

That is very bad but sadly some people are like that. My MIL loves telling everyone where she lives every little detail of our lives (I think she enjoys the attention tbh).

I'm not really sure if there's anything you can do about it except be grateful you don't live near her.

Oh I'm very grateful for that!

I'd like to say I'd be having serious words but as a major depressive and self harmer, I'd not want it out in the open either.

MIL should be ashamed of herself. There is still a stigma to mental health issues which, for me, stop me from saying too much about mine and wanting people to know.

Is she wanting to be the centre of her crurch 'house group' and using your illness to make sure she gets it?

I know, the "having major words" just freaks me, though I think I might get dh to do it (precipitating more crying and "helpful" comments)

SHe leads her housegroup whcih makes it worse. Dh and I are CHristians and we haven't shared the detail of what is going on with more than a few people we know well - not a bunch of folk we have never met.

Ffffffff! Feeling angry now!

There isn't much you can do now as she's already given out the information to people.

If I were in your position I'd tell her she couldn't stay at all at Easter because she'd betrayed my trust by giving out confidential information (but that might just be me being mean).

How awful of your mil.

Sadly I agree with Plumm. Will you be able to face going there to visit, in the foreseable future, now that she has been brandishing your situation around to all and sundry?

I have this idea that if anyone asks me about my health I'll just say:

"well you know I'm a mental case cos X told you so just fuck off"and then she would be really embarrased and I don't really know any of these people so I don't care!

I would say to her. It's been brought to my attention you have highlighted my problems to the whole of the community and I disgusted by this.

Wait to see what she says. You can always hang up!

I would be fuming.

I am fuming! And getting more so this morning, as I now have time to think about it all!

I actuallly wondered about calling her minister and complaining that personal details were being shared without permission.

I know she'll say "but I need support". She needs fuck all support - I'm the one with a personality disorder (thank goodness we never told her that!) and severe ongoing depression! I need support, and part of that is her not telling someone I never met or her next door neighbour what is wrong!!!!

What a bitch.

Thanks brass

I didn't like to say it, but its nice to hear someone else do it for me!

Thing is you need to tell her you're not impressed. She will paint you as some wilting pathetic flower otherwise and the anger/anxiety of her doing it will eat away at you.

Not good for your ongoing well being. I would be tempted to go to the event that's coming up as the picture of health and imply that she is the one with the problem. Turn it around on her see how she likes it.

It feels like everytime something happens with MIL I feel lie I am the unreasonable one.

But its NOT unreasonable not to want your medical details spread around, is it?

Think it is up to dh initially to let her know (and he will, he's great about that) but if he doesn't make an impact, I will lol!

Ring up the week before Easter, and cancel it on the grounds that your new medication is causing you to behave as if you're suffering from Tourette's syndrome.

The only problem is, to be convincing, you'd have to swear at her a lot. Would that be too much of a problem?

Personally, I wouldn't want to have her in the house again until she had made an abject, cringing, grovelling apology, and had promised (and signed in blood from her jugular vein) never to do anything similar again. However, in real life, I'm a wimp, and would probably be polite and fume silently.

Can I put forward a different viewpoint? It seems to me that you are the one who is attaching the stigma to mental illness, not your MiL. She is doing what she would do if your illness was physical - asking her friends to pray for your recovery. You don't know how she has described your illness to them- it could be in the most discrete and politically correct fashion possible - and she probably sees no shame in mental illness or wouldn't she be hiding the fact from these people?

On the other hand you are talking about being a "mental patient" and making it seem like your illness is something to hide and be ashamed of. It isn't, no more than if you broke your leg or had cancer.

I totally understand the need for anyone to have discretion around any illness and that it is something for the patient themselves to disclose in whatever manner they see fit but at the same time I think you need to look at your own attitude to mental illness because it probably isn't helping you to feel this way.

msboogie - ''I totally understand the need for anyone to have discretion around any illness and that it is something for the patient themselves to disclose in whatever manner they see fit ''- that's all that needs to be said the 'but' is not caused by the op's ''attitude'' but by the Mil's indiscretion -

msboogie I know what you are saying and you are being very generous - but I know my MIL.

This will have been put over in terms of "poor dh, poor GCs, having to put up with a nutter in the house" ...... she's done this before!

I have no problem with being a mental health patient - what I do have a problem with is it being shared with all and sundry without my knowledge or consent. If I was suffering from infertility, would it be OK for her to broadcast it? Or some rare immune disorder, or even cancer, if I didn't want her to?

Dh told her it was all low key. SHe ignored that.

fair enough! she's a blardy cow!

Her behaviour isn't acceptable. Your health is your business.

At the wedding, if anyone passed a comment based on her gossip I'd be tempted to say "Thank you for your concern. Who'd believe she'd be so indiscreet? But then I shouldn't be surprised, you should hear what she tells me about you ! ".

I think people's health details should be kept confidential. It is for them to discuss their illness if they wish. I would write to her telling her that I am disappointed and upset at the lack of any confidentiality as regards my health on her behalf and that where as she can gossip about her health issues with her friends if she wishes I am upset she chose to gossip about my health issues.
I would also be telling my husband that I no longer wished him to discuss any aspect of my health with his mum as she can't be trusted to keep things to herself.
This is gossiping, the fact that some of the people she is choosing to gossip to are at her church is irrelevent. It isn't her news to discuss. I'd be equally annoyed if a relative was discussing a physical illness I may have.
It's not just medical staff who should keep other people's medical details confidential.
I agree with those who say she is using your illness to make herself the centre of attention in a "family crisis"

nice..NOT mmm How did she get to lead when she doesn't know how to be discrete? Mental health is particularly sensitive.

(sorry the thuds you can hear are head banging on computer desk in dispair.)

Inertia has a brilliant idea..... make it known that she has been indiscreet, it will at least stop some other poor person having to live with everyone around knowing their business. at least one tiny weeny saving grace is that you don't hve to live near her...

Have decided we are going to have a chat with BIL and his wife who live close and might know more just how much has been said.

Then dh will go in all guns blazing!