Sex, dont feel like it. Am I wrong?

[Babymay]

Hi, would like to know what to do or change things.

I had a DD 10 months ago. We havn't had sex since she was concieved, so really almost 20 months ago.

I dont know why, but I just dont feel like it. I often wonder if its because I'm still breast feeding.

Occasionally, during the day I think about it and feel like it would be nice to, but as soon as I see my DH, I'm put off again.

He often makes comments in a joking kind of way that we've not had sex but never forces the issue.

I'm the sort of person that needs real conversation, romance, to be told how much I'm loved, etc etc. I need to feel connected but for some reason i dont feel anything with him. He's never serious with me and always joking and taking the micky out of me. Sometimes I feel like he's my child that i need to look after than my husband. We are so completely different from each other. We've always known it but it seems to
be more obvious now than ever.

I dont know what to do. I've told him exactly how I feel, but nothing ever changes. He's always been shy of talking about feelings etc and I feel like I cant have sex with him till I feel close to him without him always taking the micky out of me and talking to me seriously.

I always think, tonight will be the night, but it never happens. In bed, he always wears pyjamas that my dad wears too. He takes so long to come to bed that I'm half asleep before he gets in. We never have our own time in the evenings because any spare time we have is always spent with him on the net. He never wants to cuddle up on the sofa and watch a film or something or just chat.

I dont know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I should just have sex for the sake of it, but I also know he will just roll over and fall asleep after, leaving me feeling low and cheap.

What should I do? Is it me, am I in the wrong for feeling like this?

It becomes chicken & egg. You've not had sex for so long, he's probably not making any effort because....why bother? Which then turns you off and you don't want to have sex.

Something has to give. Have you tried having a serious conversation about it? Otherwise in time I fear that you will become just another divorce statistic after posting that your DH has shagged another woman.

Can you get a sitter. Do date night? Go out as a couple, away from the net & your child? It's too easy after having a baby to become mum and forget that you need to concentrate on being a couple too.

Lastly give the guy SOME credit for going 20 months without sex. That alone should tell you he loves you and hopefully you can draw some comfort from that rather than feeling low and cheap.

I think this may be one of those situations where 'just do it' is the best option, and then you will hopefully feel like doing it more. I find that I can really 'switch off' from sex if I'm not doing it regularly and not have any sexual thoughts, but as soon as I start up with it again I am much more in the mood generally.

It is a bit shit that he is spending time on the net instead of with you, but maybe that is him 'shutting down' sexually towards you too, and just having sex again would rekindle the connection

I think in general, women need to be emotionally close to have sex and men need to have sex to feel really emotionally close

when I say sex, I mean sexual behaviour with each other not just shagging

Hi Niceguy, thank you for your advice.
I have tried talking to him but like I said nothing changes. To be honest, he's never been the sort of person to discuss his feelings especially re. sex. Not only that, I've talked to him many of times re. spending quality time together on our own but it always remains a conversation. As a family we have very busy social lives so its hard to get any fridays or saturdays free without having to go out or people coming over. During the week he's always too tired.

You're right I have to give him some credit and maybe try harder myself rather than waiting for him to make me feel a certain way.

Thank you for your help. I'll try.

I don't think you should have sex if you don't feel like it. I don't think that solves the problem - as you say, it makes you feel low and cheap, so probably puts you off even more, and he can probably tell that you're not that into it, so I don't see how it will "help him to make an emotional connection again" either.

You need to be able to speak to him though and it doesn't sound like he is being very receptive to this. That's the problem, TBH, not the lack of sex (well lack of sex is a problem as it's making you - and presumably him - unhappy, but the fact you can't talk about it is probably what's led to the situation going on for so long) - I know it sounds drastic, but would you [plural] consider counselling?

Here is a tip from my counsellor- pick a good time (date night ideal if you can organise one) and ask him what he liked about you when you first got together. What he liked most about spending time with you, what were his favourite moments, What his first impression of you was etc The idea is to get him (and you) thinking back to those nice times and rekindling those feelings you both had when you first met.

I am not saying you will guaranteed get laid after trying this, but it is a small step towards spending that "quality time" together that's been lacking. Both of you need to make a concerted effort to make sure some of your time spent together is as a couple (i.e. not talking about baby, household chores etc) Its quite hard to do after a long period of time focusing just on baby and getting through the day, but its really important you do get your couple time back - otherwise you might as well be living your brother/nanny/lodger. Even if you cant go out for date night, you can agree to have a date at home and make a rule that you are not allowed to talk about baby/chores.

I think breast-feeding hormones can put you off sex - maybe it's worth talking to your doctor?

Could you start with just trying to be more intimate - like taking a bath together? holding hands on a country walk? (sorry, it sounds so cheesy!) watch a film together snuggled up? It's also good for your DD to grow up seeing her parents being loving and affectionate.

It's a really hard situation and I feel for you- it sounds like he is being patient, and that you want to restore the intimacy between you, so I hope things change for you both - I'm sure they will.

Hi Suewhite. Thank you too for your advice. I think i'm just going to have to make the effort and try and see what happens.

Thank you all for your advice, I will make the effort to arrange some 'us' time and try and get things back the way they were. And also to try and talk to him again. Thank you all.