I know leaving is the right thing but I'm terrified...

[MildredTheMagnificent]

H and I have been together 15 yrs - lots of ups and downs but over the last year or so, and last 6 months especially things have got virtually unbearable.

I have realised that what I thought was unreasonable behaviour on his part is actually emotional abuse. It's not constant but he seems to get more controlling as he gets older which is harder & harder to live with.

His family constantly interfere in our lives and rather than back me up, if I disagree with anything he will sulk and stonewall til he/they get there way.

We have nothing in common and there is little or no respect or affection between us. I cannot be myself if I stay I feel like I'm shrivelling up inside.

I had made up my mind to leave, but he caught me off guard a couple of months ago and we got into a discussion which ended with us agreeing to try & sort things out. Within days things were going downhill again but my resolve is breaking. He said he wouldn't let me leave with our DC and would rather trash our home (in his name) than give me a penny.

I can arrange to leave when he's out of the way hopefully, and I know what I'm entitled to but tbh I couldn't give a toss about the money - what bothers me is our DC.

He is on the whole a good and loving dad and I would be more than willing for him to have plenty of access so they can maintain their relationship, but I don't think he will be reasonable. There have been a couple of occasions in the last year when he's taken DC out after we've rowed and refused to say when they'll be back, been late, not answered his mobile etc. I also feel he is somewhat jealous of my close relationship with DC.

So this is my dilemma, I want to be reasonable but I will spend every second LO is with him absolutely s*itting myself.

WWYD? At the moment it is a massive obstacle to me moving on and making a better life.

what are you so scared of? quite often in relationships threads it does indeed seem to boil down to money
you mean the impact of separation on your dc? don't you think it will benefit them, long term, to see you both happy?

It's just the 1 dc. Am trying not to out myself as he knows I'm a bit of MN addict, although I doubt he's a lurker.

I think there's a good chance that he'd take dc for access and not return them. Worse has also occurred to me tbh, I've no reason to be concerned in that way, and I don't think he would hurt them, but you see so many horrible things in the news and given that he will be fuming I can't help but feel scared iyswim?

My natural instinct is to be as flexible & generous as possible and hope he responds to.that, but since I want to leave him because of his very unreasonable behaviour, I can't see him suddenly becoming more reasonable under the circumstances.

I just know that every second dc is with him, at least to begin with, will be absolute torture. I can't even think about it without crying now.

I can understand your fears, however those cases of fathers abducting children or worse are few and far between in RL. Is it possible that the stress of impending divorce is making you assess the risk incorrectly? Of course these things do happen but they're very rare. More likely that he will just be difficult to annoy you. Hope it works out in the end.

You could look into supervised contact. Either informally via family etc or through a contact centre - www.naccc.org.uk/ is a site with info. As you will most likely be self referring, some might charge, but you might be lucky. You could also speak to women's aid about this issue - their helpline is not just for those fleeing DV, it also offers advice and support.

I think your instincts are there for a reason - don't ignore them. It's harder to get supervised contact if you start off unsupervised.

I know you say it's not about the money, and I do understand that, but tbh, this is about your DC too.

If you leave you can register a charge on the property to ensure your entitlement is protected.

Get some help from CAB.

Mildred, you could be me - except that it took 23 years for me to realise what he was like (and I like to think of myself as fairly astute). XH has a lot of funny ways but he never harmed the DCs. He said a lot of wild stuff in a panic to try and put me back in the box, but once I had seen the games for what they were it had the opposite effect. The more vindictive and unreasonable he grew the more I knew it was the right thing to split.

After my solicitor had written to explain I wanted out of the marriage and XH sent a very short, rude response, the solicitor said that he had often seen respondents make loud angry intransigent noises, but in his experience they always backed down once real court papers started appearing. I don't know your H, of course, but that's certainly what happened with mine. He wasn't going to stand for this, there's no way he'd agree to that... but in the end, we split everything down the middle which is what I'd proposed in the first place (although he no longer has shared residence with DC, but that wasn't my doing). He had just enough sense to realise that the longer he fought the less he'd end up with. I am fairly sure from the little you say about your H that he will be the same, once he realises you are set on this course and all the bad behaviour in the world won't make you back down.

Thanks everyone.

LMHF - I have got all the matrimonial house rights paper work ready to go.

I'm thinking if I leave while he's out of the way, and arrange mediation for a few days later hopefully we can sort something out with DC re access and maintenance. If he's amicable will leave all the other stuff until later as don't want to rub him up the wrong the way at the start.

If he's going to be difficult I think will have to straight down the divorce or legal separation route so we can get something in writing ASAP.

Was going to suggest one night a week after school, bringing back (or me picking up preferably) for 7pm, and alternate weekends Friday post school until midday Sunday. To begin with though, am thinking of suggesting her just takes DC out for the day on a Saturday and doesn't have overnights, for a couple of months until the dust has settled - but not sure whether to suggest this for every week or alternates - does this all sound quite reasonable?

The only friends I have who've been through divorce either had no kids or XH's who couldn't give a toss, so no-one on RL to ask for advice.

Annie - 23yrs - did you ever wish you'd done it sooner once you were out?

I know exactly what you mean about seeing the behaviour for what it is and it making you more determined. I think part of the issue is that I have changed and am no longer willing to put up with all the crap. I also know I can't be the real me within this marriage.

Since we had the convo a couple of months ago it is the things he said re DC and the house that keep making me think 'Actually this really isn't normal behaviour and I really do need to leave'. Surely a normal reaction would be, "I love you, how can we make sure splitting up doesn't happen" not threats and anger ?

Don't let fear stop you doing what you know is right

He is effectively making you stay

But you can control your own life

Insist on supervised contact with dc while you get through all the messy stuff

Explain you are fearful for dc's safety and you are not convinced he will return him/her

Later down the line...you can ry to work towards a more amicable set-up

Until that time though, if you don't trust him, you don't trust him. he has obvioulsy made you feel that way...so trust yourself

please don't stay with him though, because it seems "easier" in the short term.

Thanks PA4PM

I just really can't gauge it. The simple fact is I don't trust him full stop any more, mainly because of the relationship he has with his mother - it is like there is another woman. I believe a lot of his issues stem from her but there's no way I'll ever be able to make him see that, much less do anything about it.

I know he loves our child to bits and I'd like to think that if I'm reasonable he will be too, but I think she will stir him and they (IL's) have plenty of money to throw at the problem (i.e. me!) so dread to think how far they may try and take it.

You have given me an idea for someone who might be able to help re supervised contact without it having to be at a Centre though, which I'd rather avoid. Unfortunately family is out as I can't stand his and he can't stand mine .

Would I be mad to just get me and DD out and worry about everything else afterwards? Before we had that conversation I was feeling really strong, convinced I could handle any shit and that it would all come out in the wash (ykwim ). Now I feel like I've had the rug pulled out from under me.

Yes, I do wish I'd got out sooner. Before getting married would have been ideal! But then I wouldn't have had my lovely boys, so I suppose it was for the best really.

We don't know your exact circumstances

It would be wrong of us to tell you what to do. All we can say is that, in our experience, what we think we would do in the same situation.

Are you ready, financially and emotionally to leave right now ? I am not trying to make you think twice, because it sounds like you have made your mind up but when you do it make sure it is final and you won't go back, tail between your legs

So, get all your ducks properly lined up, because the very worst thing you could do would be to leave but then go back..do you see what I am saying ?

I have posted before under this name (use a different one for the fun stuff )

here

childish

nightmare MIL

The only thing stopping me going at the moment is fear. I don't really want to keep trying as this has been going on forever to varying degrees and nothing will ever change completely/permanently.

Which fear is the greater ?

Staying and posting the same thread over and over, ad infinitum while your spirit gets more and more crushed

or taking the bull by the horns and enduring short term pain for long term gain ?

Not just a gain for you, but for your children to not have to witness such a deeeply flawed relationship and learn from it.

Gather as much RL support and information as you can.

If all that is stopping is fear then you are living under a regime of tyranny. As simple as that. No-one should have to live like that.

You are right PA. I guess I need to get on with it. If I get us out, together, that is the main thing, and will take anything else step-by-step as it comes.

I always over-analyse things so I can try and plan for what's coming - I need to accept that I can't in this case.

I am willing to be grown up and reasonable but I will protect myself, my child and our interests. If he wants to be difficult and I have to play hardball that is his responsibility, not mine and I am not the bad guy.

Does that sound a bit more like it?!

I have lots of RL support too - I am very lucky compared to loads of women in this and similar situations.

That sounds great to me.

Lean on that RL support, sounds like you will really need it. Don't hide your fears, and make sure that RL support is poised to step in for you at any moment.

keep posting, and take care x