every day i realise another way that my ex h has manipulated/controlled me, I am so angry, advise please??

[humptydidit]

Left abusive ex at christmas.

On the face of it, I am doing really well. Have my own house near my family, benefits sorted, kids settling into new school, womens aid outreach in place, family support worker in place, divorce filed in court etc...

But, every day I realise another thing that he did to control or manipulate or just to spoil for me. I now see that he suggested having ds2 as a way to trap me further (he knew I wasnted more kids) but now wants nothing to do with ds2 is only interested in dd and ds1 (the original kids).
He spoilt my confidence in my career. I just realised today that I was really happy in my job/career till he came along. Now I feel like I dislike it and am no good at my job, my sister says it's like I "did a complete 180 in my attitude towards my job when i met him". I now have crap work history as he convinced me that I hated each job i had and encouraged me to quit. In reality he is jealous of my education and earning potential and didn't want me to mix with other people.
He encouraged me to take out loans/credit cards in my name and then we spent all the money on crap and now I have huge debts to repay.
it just goes on and on and on

The most confusing part is that on one hand I am happy that he seems to be losing interest in me and kids v fast, already cancelled this months visit (only 3rd time he will have seen kids since xmas, he lives v far away), so I am glad his will be out of my life.
but I feel so angry that I am left on my own to deal with 3 kids. I feel like I am greiving the loss of the partner i should have had (not him iyswim).

I don't know if this makes any sense but I am just so angry and I don't know what to do with myself. I am trying not to be short tempered with kids ...

I know that feeling. Things still get realised three years on but I'm not as angry or disapointed in myself as before, just aghast really how it all happened.
You will get there, believe me, you will find you mojo and get it back and enjoy your life once again.

It's normal. Healthy probably.

I'm with mamas - i still occasionally look back and think 'how did i let that happen, how stuipd/wet was I' - but mostly I think 'fantastic, i won't ever let it happen again. thank goodness it's over'. Keep looking forwards. How fabulous to have a better future than past.

One of the first components of grief is anger; it will pass.

what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, as they say

thanks ladies, it helps to know that i'm not going mad!!
Feel like I need to do something positive with this anger? Any suggestions? Thinking of buying a baby seat for my bike and going out cycling with ds2(he's only 11 months) while other kids are at school... Would exercise help?

I have been in your situation. And I spent the best part of 18 months being so, so angry. What a waste of time that was.

Easy to say in hindsight.

The only thing that got me out of it was to imagine what my life and my DCs life would be like if we HADN'T split up.

Eventually... those angry feelings turned to relief.

OK. I was still on my own bringing up a baby with no money whatsover whilst he was off shagging his new girlfriends in exotic locations, buying new cars, a boat you name it.

But at least I only had the baby to deal with and not the baby and that dreadful relationship.

The sooner you can let go and move on, the less he has "won" in the end.

are you seeing a councillor? That helped with me alot, stopped me getting into a cycle of destructive angry thoughts which led round and round in circles and never got anywhere, or ended up in the same conclusions.
I learned to recognise the beginnings of the internal rantings, and taught myself to cut out all the middle and jump to the conclusion that he was a twat and I was so much happier in just a few minutes. Focussing on what freedoms you have to move forward also helped, but as others said, anger is a natural reaction.
I still have my moments, ex left 9 years ago, and sometimes I still get mad, but very rarely now.

humpty Yes, i think exercise will help, anything that gets you out and about, and puts pieces of time between you and what has happened.

The grieving who he was when it was good is very normal, as is the anger, there are a hell of a lot of conflicting emotions tied in with Abuse, especially once you're out of it, and look back.

I too left an abusive XP at Christmas, and i am still emotionally up and down like a yoyo. The weekly Freedom Programme with Womens Aid, has really really helped me to understand, and next week i start a different programme based on moving forward, recovery and self esteem.

I recommend it, even just talking things through with other women in a similar position,helps to clear your head (DS2 can go with you too,so no babysitter required)

jellykat I have place booked on freedom programe but it doesn't start till may, so not too long now. I think that it will really help.
In the mean time, will try to keep busy. And stay focussed on the positives.

Oh good..

I am convinced that the further away from the last few years we get, the distant a memory it will all become,and the less our brains' will whirl around.. IYSWIM

Feel free to PM me anytime for a rant!
Like many MNers,i understand how badly your head gets messed up.