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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What made you finally end it?

43 replies

goongetgone · 20/03/2011 17:26

What was your tipping point. The day it ended what happened?

My ex threw me down on the sofa, screaming in my face in front of my dc, who tried to get in the way, he was 6 . I knew I could not let this continue. That ex would not stop after years of drinking and abuse until my kids were ruined by it all. There was nothing left to hang on to, I was not "keeping the family together" any longer, I was in fact actually one of a double act, who was creating a toxic environment for my kids to grow up in.

Still not free of him really, we are split but he is always giving me a hard time but I am stronger than I was.

OP posts:

BooyHoo · 20/03/2011 22:15

sorry, that doesn't read correctly. he was able to adjust my smaller behaviours by making the cost of them too high.

i.e; mentioning a male friend's name would mean sulking, so i stopped doing it.

BertieBotts · 20/03/2011 22:16

When I was being sick in the toilet and simultaneously trying to keep DS away from exploring what I was doing, and heard him come home, felt immediate relief and said something along the lines "Hey, could you come and take DS off my hands for a bit?" and he stormed up the stairs, didn't even ask if I was ok but instead said "I can't believe you've made yourself ill, and you've probably given it to DS as well. Thanks very much."

I honestly just wanted to leave that night but I felt too ill. Of course he got the bug a few days later and what was the first thing I said? "Are you okay?" I didn't get him a glass of water though I stayed in bed and left him to it.

He also insisted later that he had "definitely" asked if I was okay. I know this wasn't true because it upset me so much at the time.

I agree with others that it's the small things - that definitely wasn't the worst thing he ever did.

MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 20/03/2011 22:17

He had DS pinned to the floor, undressing him because DS was being antsy about going to bed. He told me to go away, which I am ashamed to say I always had done before, but shaking I told him to leave. He carried on and snarled 'this doesn't matter because we don't matter any more'.

He remembered to pack his beer .

18 months ago. Jesus.

So sorry for so many sad stories, but even sadder for the ones who haven't found the strength to walk away. It is so hard when you are on the inside.

BooyHoo · 20/03/2011 22:27

mitzy, i remember when i told EXp i wanted him to leave, he went upstairs to pack. he came downstairs with his golf clubs, PS3 and aftershaves . he had only a few items of clothing in his bag and he asked as he was leaving "are you sure this is what you want?"

i did snigger after he left at the thought of him leaving everything else because he thought i would have him back in a few days, but took his valuable stuff incase i broke them!!

shimmerysilverglitter · 20/03/2011 22:36

I asked ex to leave for nearly a year. He wouldn't go, life was just hellish. Every month he would go off on a bender with his wages, sleeping with other women, drinking all his wages away and then come home with empty pockets. He would drink up to ten cans a night and pass out on the sofa, I would clean up the mess the next day. His parents knew what was happening but they moved away and just left me to it. In the end we had a fight after about the sixth month of the above described behaviour, the police removed him and I never allowed him back again. He still to this day thinks he should still be living here and tells me I have stolen his home. In all that time my kids never saw any of it so they will probably never understand why we split up and they have divorced parents.

merrywidow · 21/03/2011 08:30

how sad these stories are.

I read so many harrowing threads on this board and can't help thinking in some cases that if only the women were truly freed from their living hell just as I was

mumof2teenboys · 21/03/2011 08:41

When he hit my 3 year old around the face because he wouldn't eat his peas. Then he hit him again for crying.

I would and could tkae all the beatings in the world, but when he hit my baby, that was it. He left that evening.

It got much worse (for me) after but eventually it calmed down.

That was nearly 16 years ago, my son still won't eat peas I think of all the damage he did (the ex) that tiny little thing hurts so much. The peas obviously still have such bad memories for him.

jjgirl · 21/03/2011 10:01

i think it was after maybe the fith or sixth or tenth time of chucking me out and telling me i was not good enough for him and was causing him all sorts of problems. each time i kept begging him to take me back as i did not want the shame of divorce (he was a minister in the church). eventually i had had enough of the psycological pysical and finacial abuse and agreed to leave after finding out it was not just porn he was deeply into it was pedo material. he blamed me for agreeing to go. thankfully i have never seen him again except for court.

AlistairSim · 21/03/2011 10:32

This is one of the most shocking threads I've read on MN and I've been here since it was all fields.

Bravo to all of you!

hugs<

And the bloody fuck to all these utter wankstains come from???

PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 10:46

jj, did you report him for using paedoplilic porn material ?

PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 10:57

sorry, awful spelling...you get the gist though

slug · 21/03/2011 11:02

It's funny how it's sometimes the little things that makeyou go. For my part, after years of emotional and verbal abuse (though thankfully not physical, though in retrospect I can see he was working his way up to that) it was the evening after a party where he stopped the car half way home and aggressively sternly told me off for gesturing with my hands too much when I talked. Apparantly people were laughing at him because of me.

The next day I waited for him to go to work, packed up the car and moved to the other end of the country.

ElsieMc · 21/03/2011 12:45

I want to leave the area after DS1's father came to my home at 2 am, left a dead animal in the porch (still warm), stole ds1's toys from outside and threw them out of his car onto the main road, threatened to rip my head off in front of the children, swore at me and tried to attack me physically (took two grown men to restrain him).

Laughs at me in court when the judge says that a crime I cannot bear to say is no barrier to contact, his convictions for abh on children don't matter, neither does his drink driving "which is commonplace these days" and that I cannot leave because contact is in the best interests of the child and I would only be leaving to thwart the contact he doesn't bother to turn up for.

merrywidow · 21/03/2011 13:04

Elsie, I'd go back into court if I were you, surely something can be done?

madonnawhore · 21/03/2011 13:38

I was with my ex for 7 years (on and off) during which time he bullied me and was emotionally abusive and controlling in all the classic ways you can probably imagine. I'd booked a long trip abroad (which he was supportive of - more on that in a sec), mainly because I just needed to get the fuck away from him and be able to think straight.

In the lead up to my going away he kept saying things like 'this trip will be good for you, it will make you a better person', and 'we'll move back in together when you get home, once you're fixed' (fixed?!!).

I knew I definitelywould never be coming back when, after spending some time lost in thought he said, 'I wonder what my Pygmalion test for you will be when you come home...?'.

lazarusb · 21/03/2011 17:08

My ex would never have left our home either. Getting out was my only option, I was only pleased that I could walk out with what was left of my pride and not in an ambulance...or worse.

ValiumSingleton · 22/03/2011 19:06

Booyhoo, I knew exactly what you meant even before you rephrased it. It was exactly the same for me. Slowly, over the course of 8 years, so many things became more trouble than they were worth. Working and having my own money, going home to see my family in Ireland, socialising with my friends (all female anyway) and finding the time to exercise.

Eventually, the only thing that it was 'worth my while' to do was to keep his house nice and cook him a dinner that nigel slater would have licked his lips at every single night. The supermarket was a round trip of about 3 miles which I did every second day at least with two kids on foot, as he wouldn't let me drive his car.

I mean it beggars belief that I put up with it for as long as I did, but like lazarusb I am glad I left on foot with nothing to show for those 8 years but with my life. I was watching a programme the other night about a New Zealander, Clayton Weatherston, a narcissist who stabbed his x about 162 times and it gave me a chill. It really did.

Anushka11 · 22/03/2011 19:32

after many years, he did 2 things 1) he seized DS, then 2yr6mon, by the arm and flung him across the room against the sofa, because DS had got in his way and made him stumble, and 2 he decided I was possessed by the devil, and hit me to drive him out, then threatened me with a leather belt for the same purpose,and many other weird things. I had to call the police to have him removed and he spent 3 month in a mental hospital. I never let him back. There were many incidents before of abuse and mental illness, but this just did it for me...

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