Are 'cold hearted' and 'calculating' expected terms of abuse when H sees you taking control of your life for a change?

[oystercard]

...And also not breaking down in tears at every harsh word from him?

H and I currently in the death throes of our marriage. Every conversation we have involves him expressing shock at my behaviour, how cold I am etc etc. Before I start to believe yet more rubbish about how awful I am, is this a normal reaction?

Heh, yes. Shall I translate?

"You are not behaving how I think you should behave. I know that you value being a warm, kind-hearted person. Therefore, I will accuse you of being the opposite, so that it hurts and it might just get you back to behaving like I think you should."

Sorry you are having to deal with this. Keep your head held high and believe your own truth, not his lies and distortions.

I don't think your reactions are unusual: once it's gone this far, the practical and unemotional are good coping strategies. You may well be cried out for the present.

Thanks AyeRobot - you've hit the nail on the head! I keep reminding myself that every time he behaves like this, it just makes me even more determined to end this nightmare.

What AyeRobot said, with a bit of "I'm mortally offended that my usual tactics can't control you any more, so I will get more manipulative until I find something that hurts you" thrown in

Zikes, yes. In fact, just said to him that I have lost count of the days I've driven to work in tears over him. Getting bored with crying now to be honest

I think those terms are kinda expected from an abusive person who is no longer getting his own way, yes

Who is having to confront the idea that the "worm is turning" and will try every trick in the book to get you back in line again ie. capitulating to his demands

I would also expect that you should try to let them roll off you, like water off a duck's back

Best of luck x

My ex used to say this in a shocked tone, as in "I never knew what a cold hearted, mean/petty/spiteful person were". While looking like this . My standard response was and is "well now you know!"

Not much he can say to that really is there?

Yes it's normal. Idiots!

I am convinced there is a book or a website somewhere that gives them a script with lines to learn. Otherwise it's a massive coincidence, isn't it?

Are you done yet?

I've just read that your husband is an alcoholic. They have a special book.

Recognise any of the lines on here?

That's a great link ayerobot! My ex is an alcoholic too. Sheesh you couldn't make it up could you? All of them spouting the same drivel.

I love these quotes! Being married to alcoholic is such an exercise in convincing yourself that you are not going mad, so seeing these quotes on the link help reinforce that actually I'm the sane one.

It's a bit like when we become parents, we find ourslves saying the standard parent phrases we heard as children. I think as you say there must be an alcoholic's phrase book out there!

Yep, I have driven him to drink, he only drinks to help him sleep/relive boredeom/manage stress etc. I am a neurotic puritan who likes to think they are sherlock holmes, searching the house looking for clues. Shock horror, I've even been known to have a glass or two of wine at the weekend so how dare I criticise him!

God, when you see it written down it's embarassing to think I've actually used up emotional energy defending some of this crap.

You don't have to carry on

You can get off the escalator any time you like

You don't owe him anything...he owes it to himself to admit he has a problem

I expect he's trying to pain you as the bad guy to friends/relatives

well, people are not stupid, they will know

and if you have hidden much of it for his sake, out of shame or embarassment, then start telling people the truth

It's OK, oystercard. Once you know differently, then you can act differently. That forum that I linked to is a good one, especially the stickies at the top.

oh God yes.

When I had decided to finally leave, 'cold' was one of the many, many 'insults' thrown at me. 'I can't believe you are so.......' was the precurser to many of the insults.

Being 'warm' hadn't helped me ... it was him who had failed to see what he was doing to me, how much I had shrivelled up as a person under his control and who was happy to sit back and watch me doing everything (all the money earning, errand running, working, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and everything else).

oh yes, apparently I was abusing my 'H' Had nothing else to throw at me, see.

ignore, ignore and ignore.

content yourself with the fact that you are making that break for freedom and your new found confidence is rattling him.

How are things, oystercard?

bloody hell. Had a row with my partner last week, he is an alcoholic (in denial) I was told I was 'A cold-hearted woman'. So eye-opening to see it as a stock phrase..

absolutely yes.

only a coldhearted bitch would try to claw back a bit of her life when the set up had suited him so well up 'til then.

Yes! Another popular one is "You're manipulative". Projection, anyone?

Hi AyeRobot. Things are still tough. I've tried some last ditch 'if you accept you have a problem and get help then mabye things could be better' conversations but I might as well talk to the wall.

It looks like I'll need to start divorce proceedings as I can't continue like this. It's just the ongoing worry about what will become of H that makes it so difficult.