Anyone discovered their DH/P's porn habit and notbeen happy about it? How did/do you move on?

[bintofbohemia]

I had a thread in chat the other day because an website popped up in the address bar of the computer which lead me to discover that DH has for the last few weeks (since we got the internet after 3 months) been going on a website and watching porn clips on there.

This isn't about the rights and wrongs of porn; it doesn't bother some people, I get that. But it bothers me in this instance, and no so much because of the porn, but because he has been distant and shutting me out, and even when I asked him to come clean with me (that's probably not the best choice of words, is it?) he first denied it, then said he'd been on there once. Actually a couple of times a week is more like it, mostly when I've been out but also a few times whilst I've been upstairs in bed.

He says that he's not sat down there wanking furiously in front of the computer, if anything he does it later.

We did used to watch a bit of porn together pre-children ( together being the key word here) but we haven't done it for years, largely as my attitudes towards it changed after having children. Possibly he didn't realise this, but it's the fact that he was watching it on the sly and covering it all up.

Anyway, the reason for this further thread is that I don't know how to move on. I'm quite confused about the whole thing, that he lied to me, that he's feeling the need to watch these clips with really grim titles etc. I feel fairly pissed off and disgusted with him and am wondering why he's watching clips of teenagers and women being degraded. What does that say about him/me/us? The thought of having sex with him now really turns me off as I imagine he'll be thinking about all this shite he's been watching rather than being present with me.

He's really, really sorry, embarassed and appalled and desperately trying to make amends. But I'm finding it hard to give anything back at the moment and I know that's not very healthy. I don't know what to do next and how to move forward. Any advice if you've experienced this would be hugely appreciated as this is all new ground for me.

OP Maybe you should make your DH watch Fridays episode of Eastenders, that was shown in part of comic relief on bbc1.

It portrayed what is happening daily to young girls across Britain, possibly the world ?

Young girls in the wrong hands being used to make money, they have nothing else, promised just this once over and over, drugs involved....

I brought this to DP's attention recently about his porn usage, he has begun to realise that is alot darker behind the scenes.... but we will see.....

I mean who on earth leaves school and decides they want to be a porn star ???!!!

Hi,

It does sound like sex addiction. My (D)H (separated) is a sex addict, and he was (supposedly) surprised at how much he'd been using porn when I confronted him with what I found. Since then he has had counselling by himself (also on anti-ds) and realised that he was sexually abused as a child. This can often lead to internet sex addiction in men. They sort of split their personality, which is how they manage not to remember much of what they get up to.

I'd say be careful with tadpoles's suggestion as watching a lot of porn does change the way men see women, and obviously you might have your own worries about how attractive he finds you and if you have to make yourself more interesting to him. As a result, you might end up feeling used, so stick to your own boundaries.

He is quite likely to tell you that you haven't been having enough sex or that it wasn't interesting enough and that's why he had to watch porn. This is not the case, however much he tries to convince you that it's got something to do with your behaviour, don't believe him. He's just saying that because it's easier than looking at the deeper problems in his life.

I agree re. the desensitisation as my husband also contacted prostitutes. Their boundaries are completely blurred, usually because of traumatic events in their childhoods. This is not an excuse, it is simply to say that he needs counselling, and you as a co-dependent partner might find it helpful too in order to establish your own boundaries.

Hi!
I have a similar thread going at the moment as my partner not only used porn but also got talking to other people online and by email and arranged to meet them (I've not been able to prove that he has actually met anyone, he says he hasn't but who knows??).

I just wanted to thank the wise women here who have commented.

I think it helps to see it as a dysfunction. I understand that men are bombarded with messages that tell them that they "need" porn and that out of curiosity, self gratification etc... they are attracted to it. But unfortunately for some the brakes don't work (and the more porn seems normal to them, the less they will), and men will move on to worse things.

A few months ago I had felt strange after sex and i remember thinking at the time that he must have watched something recently. I wish i had not ignored it at the time. There are definitely links to traumatic events in the past in our case too.

Thank you for making me feel a tiny bit more normal although I really don't want it to be normal.

NomNom, how awful that he was contacting prostitutes, you must have been livid, even if he did have history that made him go down that route.

miri - sorry you're dealing with this as well. Are you having some sort of couples counselling? If I found out DH had been contacting people or interacting with someone else I think that would be a whole other kettle of fish. I really hope you can get it sorted out.

xyz - I can totally relate to what you're saying about not wanting to look at him, I've barely looked at DH since Friday. He's all wanting to give me hugs and make things up with me but I'm really struggling with it. I also know what you mean about sex being awkward because you wonder what they're really thinking about - I think that's probably going to take a long time to get past.

He really is very contrite and we had a long time to talk yesterday. I think there are a lot of things in his life that he needs to get straight, and hopefully when he makes moves towards doing so I might actually get my proper husband back.

Glad your talk today went ok, Bint. We went for our first Relate session this evening - it was an introductory session so we only talked a bit about what the problem was and how it made each of us feel. One of the things DH said was that he was using porn and masturbating as 'stress relief' - he even said it wasn't anything to do with sex, which I can't really understand. He seems to have separated it from the sex we have, which I also can't understand!

xyzgirl, I also wish I'd never found out about my DH's porn use. I know what you mean about feeling that you don't really know him anymore.

Only got a second but wanted to post the link to the AntiPornMen Project

There are some really interesting posts on there that feed into what WWIFN has posted about.

Mills and Boon Romances are fantasy for daft women Dogfish but mercifully not all, or even most, women.

Thanks for the link AyeRobot

My first husband was addicted to porn.

He had no idea about boundaries. He had no idea how to "make love", only have sex. I remember telling him to "hurry up if he absolutely HAD to do this" whilst watching telly over his shoulder. Nice.

Our ds stood behind him once whilst he was indulging himself using MY pc, while I was at work. It was only when the school called me in to discuss a particularly interesting picture he'd drawn.......... :(

We divorced after he shagged my "mother". And I have nothing to do with her either.

Bloody hell, thisis, that's awful. Your poor DS too. SOunds like your "D"H did you a favour (in a peculiar sort of way) but I hope things have picked up for you now?

Bintofbohemia - I could have written this post myself a couple of weeks ago, nearly did in fact, but pulled out due to thinking it would end up as a right or wrongs of porn discussion.

I saw on DP's i-phone history which went back 8 days his internet usage and boy was it interesting. Porn, pretty low-end trashy stuff, lots of it, every single day. I'm in the same position about how to move on. I could not reconcile in my mind how I thought/think DP is one of the 'good guys', brought up well, respects women... was looking at such nasty stuff (nothing illegal, but hardcore trashy, and most of it looked pretty painful for the women involved if you ask me, besides is whether something is illegal or not the sole point of one's moral compass?) and getting off on it.

Which has made reading whenwillifeelnormal's post very interesting to me. He too was in his 20s during the lads mag era. He doesn't think there is really anything wrong with masturbating to porn... some of the quotes that came out during the subsequent discussion were "nobody's getting hurt", "none of it is illegal" and "i am a man I have needs". Yes our sex life has gone down hill since having 2 kids, but no surprise if I'm going to be exhausted at 9.30 every night and he is choosing to stay up and "work" (now I know this was wank). He could have gone to bed with me. Anyway, reading WWIFN's post also helps me understand why I felt somehow guilty or wrong myself about even finding it upsetting or a problem. I too am of the era when porn has been normalised and you can be considered a prude or old fashioned for feeling uncomfortable with it.

I was reading a news article the other day about the huge increase in women who are having cosmetic surgery on their genitals. A result of the pornification of society. It makes me feel sad.

I agree with you doodleloo.

I just don't think that it's normal when men prefer to stay up to wank etc... when they could very easily have the real thing upstairs. Even though I've got two young kids, I would have been open for it, but not at two in the morning after sir has finished watching telly.