Can our marriage survive dh's critical illness?

[animadura]

DH was made redundant 18 months ago. Started re-training as a teacher but quickly developed disabling anxiety, then coronary insufficiency. After a month in hospital before Christmas he had coronary artery bypass surgery and then life-threatening complications which led to another three weeks in hospital. I kept everything going although needed some time off work.

He's recovering now (has been feeling fine for weeks, he says) but I'm not. I'm back at work full-time, our dd is thriving and seems unscathed. But I'm low and miserable, can't get motivated or organised and I seem to have gone off dh, my job and our life.

He was fairly passive before but now it's much worse. We no longer have any semblance of an equal relationship, he just allows me to shoulder all the responsibility and occasionally volunteers to do something (eg drive dd somewhere) as if it's a favour.

I know it's relatively early days, and that makes it difficult to be angry with him, but something's liable to blow soon if this goes on.

Can anyone help?

You need to tell him how you feel, calmly, and tell him what you need to change.

Talk to your doctor, your dh, and make arrangements either to take time off work, if possible, and re-allocate at least 70% of chores to your dh. Explain you need the rest. Explain that you kept everything together while he was unwell, now you are feeling unwell and you want to stop it before it develops any further.

I really hope that you aren't tempted to just let it slide, because I guarantee you this will kill your marriage given time. Dropping hints at him or hoping he changes is not going to cut it.

Poor you, sounds like such a hard time. Perhaps some counselling (for you as a couple or just you) might be helpful?

Is it worth contacting the british heart foundation to see if they have any support or advice they can offer you?

feck. it sounds like you need to talk about it, is the counselling idea one you can go for?
mrschuffthemuff sounds about right and you need to rest and recover yourself

youve gone thru a traumatic experience -you need counselling.

Thanks for your messages.

I have thought about going to therapy and I think work would support me going.

I'm really badly behind at work (there was only limited cover for my time off) so it's tempting to say I haven't got time. On the other hand I'm using my time so badly at the moment, everything's taking far longer than it should. Therapy might help me with that.

Mrs CtM you're right about not letting it slide. A friend's marriage was destroyed by similar circs.

Part of the trouble is that I feel guilty - I should be relieved and overjoyed that all's well and he's recovering. Things could be so much worse. But telling myself how I ought to feel doesn't (surprise, surprise) make me feel that way.

Caring for someone who's very ill takes a massive toll. Caregiver burnout is well documented. It sounds like you're suffering something like that.

Therapy might help; telling your DH how you feel would certainly be a start; and it sounds as though you need some time off to recover from having been everyone's rock during a difficult time.

I hope it goes ok for you.

OTHM - I think you're probably right. My (very) elderly mother lives with us and I find myself trying to avoid asking her how she is, in case she complains of something.

The sunshine is actually helping me a bit today and I've been in to work to get ahead for tomorrow.

I'll book a therapy consultation and a holiday this week so I have something to aim for.

Thanks everyone

You have so much on your plate, definitely take some time to think etc, if you can, is good that work might help, if not perhaps arrange something outside of work hours.

Is there anything or anyone else that could help? Practical stuff like a cleaner, ironing. Or groups/helplines for carers (does mumsnet have a section on this?)

I think when you are the one that has to cope with everything during an emergency, you operate on adreneline and carry on. When the pressure is off, sometimes, you can come down to earth with a bump and feel as you have described. Agree with the respondants - time for you, husband to take back some responsibilities and counselling to see whether you can move past this and grow as a couple again. Well done on keeping everything ticking over - it can't have been easy!