Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

[NameChange1234]

This is awfull. DH has some great points...

Great dad
Very intelligent and funny
Romantic
Does fair share of housework (mostly)
Good with money and happy for me to spend it

But it's started to feel like the minus side is too strong and likely to get worse over time...

Angry with me about 30-50% of the time. By which I mean silently seething about the state of the house(it's really not that bad), or my failings as a mother (I'm fine really, but will for instance read a book whilst DS watches CBeebies, rather than watch along) or the fact that I apparently hate him (I don't).

The things he gets angry about aren't really the issue, it's the fact that his thinking is distorted. Starting to wonder if he's a bit paranoid.

The following is a typical pattern:- For weeks he'll be off with me, then when he finally talks about it (he's the king of stonewalling) he'll say I hate him and poor scorn on him "all the time", but won't be able to give me a single example of what I've done. Then the next day he'll snap out of it and be fine and if I try and ask him what's changed he'll say we should just start over and me trying to talk about it is spoilling his good mood.

It's getting now after 9 years that I can't just snap out of it when he's in a good mood as I don't trust the good times to continue.

We went to councelling once last year and he refuses to go again.

The thought of splitting up the family makes me feel sick to the core and I sob and sob that we can't make it work. It would be traumatic to leave. He's said previously that if I left he would make it as difficult as possible for me and fight it all the way, which I believe as he can hold a grudge. Fortunately I am a SAHM so custody would be mine.

Used to have a successsfull career but right now feel awfull about having to find work and cope with divorce.

Not sure what I'm asking reallly. Is it worth the short term pain of ending it when the reality as a single parent might be worse than I'm imagining? Though not having someone be angry at me all the time would be ace!

lifes too short,i'd be off too....in fact its exactly what i did do!!

Did you ILoveTIFFANY? I don't know anyone who's left their DH once they've had kids. There was some research recently saying that if someone you know gets divorced then the chances of you getting divorced go up. I can see why, as if I knew someone who had left and life had improved for them I might feel braver.

Interesting. I wonder what lies beneath his moodiness. I bet it isn't you, he's just projecting whatever-it-is onto you.

I think you need to prepare to leave, that would make you feel better anyway. Once you have a job and are ready to go either he will step up to the plate or he won't. That in itself tells you whether you should stay.

Yes, he's admitted the projects stuff onto me and can be very self aware at times, but only until the next mood comes along iyswim.

he sounds pretty horrible to me. i would get myself well organised before leaving, if that's what you decide to do, if he has already told you he would be a tosser about it.

Many women use the words "well he's a great dad" or something to that effect when they themselves can say nothing at all positive about their man.

He is neither a great dad to your children or a great husband (notice as well you did not call him that) to you if he behaves like that. He is choosing also to behave like that, I reckon he does not stonewall other people like he does you.

Why did he refuse further counselling?. He did not like what he was hearing?. TBH if he refuses counselling then I would consider going there on my own instead. It shows also an unwillingness on his part to properly address the issues and is willing instead and easier for him to just blame you.

This is deeply rooted behaviour on his part likely going back to his own childhood. I am wondering what relationship lessons he learnt from his own parents here.

This is no template currently for your children to be learning about relationships from. They are learning damaging lessons here from both of you.

He just keeps saying that counselling doesn't work. It wasn't so much that he didn't like what he was hearing as the counsellor was very non judgemental with him. So for instance DH hates it when I go out on my own (even just popping out to the shops for half an hour) and the counsellor just suggested that we schedule time when I can go out on my own at the start of the week. However that doesn't address the problem that DH doesn't think I should need time on my own. DS goes to nursery 3 mornings a week and DH thinks that is more than ample 'me time'. The problem isn't that DH doesn't do enough childcare it's that he thinks I am a bad mother for not wanting as much family time as possible and he gets angry about it.

To be fair to him Atilla, he really is great in many ways...

He tells me I am pretty
He gets up with DS whenever he isn't working so I can lie in
He buys me flowers
etc etc etc...

All stuff that is great and makes me ashamed to be thinking of leaving when I read about how appalling some men can be on these threads. Sometimes I feel it would be easier as if he was as obviously abusive as some men are so I could go. Hence the title of my post.

It's just that it's Jekyll and Hyde, when he's in a mood (like I say, 30-50% of the time) all that gets switched off. He's being really nice at the moment and I feel like a heel as I'm not responding but I don't think he realises how damageing his unpredictability is.

It's like he feels he should be judged on the best of his actions, when as I increasingly fear the worst of him I can't just flip back into 'we're so in love ' mode .

His answer is always that we just need to try harder (aka carry on as we have been doing) but he won't try when he's in a mood.

His parents marriage was pretty moody too. My parents divorced and I fear I am trying to run away too quickly.

Hi,

This is a continuous cycle; at present he is in the "nice" phase. It will, given his past behaviour, soon change and something will trigger it.

He cannot say that counselling does not work when he only seemingly attended for one session. Again I would reiterate the counsel to go on your own.

Why exactly does he hate you going out on your own?. Does he go out on his own?. He states too that "we need to try harder" but he is showing no willingness to put any work in regarding this.

Not really surprised to see that his parents marriage was moody as well; he's learnt from the two of them. Are they still together?.

Again this is currently not an ideal relationship template for the children to be learning from. You need to consider what they are learning about relationships from the two of you because history is in danger of being repeated here (yet another marriage punctuated by moods just as his parents was).

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.
Where's your tipping point?. Do you still love this man?.

I know of a couple of women who left their DH after having children and I can tell you honestly they are both a lot happier for doing so. The children are happier too.

He only goes out on his own for work. At all other times he wants us to be together, which I find claustrophobic.

I really don't know what my tipping point is. I suppose I keep hoping it's going to tip the other way and it'll all be fine.

This sounds awful. And I would imagine the 30-50% will grow to 80% over time. You say he won't do counselling, but would he listen to a brother or a friend?

My exH wouldn't accept my view of his behavior and walked out of counseling, but his brother and a close friend both confirmed his behavior was appalling and he was a fool for what he was doing to me and our marriage. It didn't save our marriage, but it did change his perspective, took some of the blame off me (ie. before that, it was just my opinion, and I was nuts/wrong/a typical nagging woman...) and I think some outside opinion did improve the way the breakup happened).

My kids are fine, btw. And I am happier. Not trying to persuade you of anything, but I thought the world would end if I ended my marriage. It didn't. But it did improve.

Hi namechange,

re your comment:-
"I really don't know what my tipping point is. I suppose I keep hoping it's going to tip the other way and it'll all be fine"

And what if it does not?. There's no indication on his part at all of him wanting to make any changes and you cannot change a relationship alone. He has also not seemingly shown any real remorse for his actions.

You also did not answer whether or not you still love him.

He did not want to listen to the counsellor and it does not seem like he has any friends outside of work at all if he is spending the rest of his time with his family. Why do you think that is?.

Why you do think he wants you all to be together the rest of the time when he is not at work?. It is indeed claustrophobic and you're being put in a cage of his own making.

It is truly no relationship template for your children to be seeing either. They will go onto take damaging lessons of their own from seeing you both within your relationship like your DH learnt damaging lessons from his parents. History is in real danger of being repeated here.

Yes I do still love him, though feel like I am starting to disengage.

He wants us to be together all the time as he loves us.

He is better at hiding his feelings when we are not getting on than I am. So our DS sees him being lovely to him, playing happily for hours whilst I can not hide the upset that I feel that things are not going well.

"He wants us to be together all the time as he loves us".

No, that sounds more like control than love.