So I have a personality disorder?

[misereremeu]

I have an awful problem with anger. I was violent in my frighteningly abusive EA marriage (I'm a woman) and often think I would hit someone if they did to me some of the things I read about on here. I'm not in a relationship and don't think I could be with this - I don't think I could have a close relationship with anyone at all.

I know when my anger has been ignited and know what comes next so I turn heel and get away as fast as I can, literally run sometimes. I can't keep doing that, it is not always appropriate and has caused problems in the past, particularly at work where I have literally power-walked away from a superior - I couldn't even say 'excuse me' but had to get away as fast as possible. I afterwards explained that I knew I was angry and knew it would be better to get away until I had calmed down but it didn't go down well. I can also be verbally vicious and know it - not bitchy but kill with a few choice words, I know how to hit the bullseye and have literally seen people turn white at one of my lashings. I don't want to do that!

I generally stay on an even keel, don't get wound up by things eg traffic, or peoples crap behaviour, or even beurocracy (sp) - people I don't care about - but know there is a huge gremlin sitting at the base of my personality. I once had a red mist moment where when I 'came to' I was literally scratching my sister's eyes out - it really frightened me that I could do that, I know I could have killed her. I bellowed at her in the street like an animal as I left and it took all my strength not to repeatedly ram her house with my car. It is not an excuse that she is unbelievably evil and has caused, and goes on causing, extensive harm. My family are so toxic I wouldn't know where to start. Which is a point but not the point - I have a problem.

Have you started counselling op? Anger management? Where did you get your diagnosis?

you do have a problem

why not start with your GP and explain you need help with your irrational anger

I think that a stressful and toxic childhood can prevent a person from developing normal adult coping strategies in stressful situations. I think that your responses do sound disproportionate in the examples you cite. You recognise that you have a problem though, which is good. Can you build on that and develop and rehearse personal strategies for coping in different situations? It sounds to me as though you may benefit from some sessions with an anger management counsellor but I wouldn't know where to begin to access them- through the GP maybe?

Thanks duchesse. The title should be Do not So - is this a personality disorder does anyone know?

The example of when I power-walked away from my superior at work was when I was told that the company had decided not to pay me after all but would pay me a month later than we had agreed. I was incredibly angry but it fed into the 'danger zone' so I had to get away. I can also cope perfectly when I'm on the phone for example, or in my car - I can put down the phone, drive away.

i dont think many of us on here are qualified to diagnose personality disorders based on one post OP

i should see your GP

There are lots of discussions about personality disorders on here phoebe, people seem to be pretty clued up about them. I'm not expecting a full-on diagnosis, just wondering if anyone can relate to what I'm battling with, or known anyone etc etc.

My father was very violent dittany and I was often hit without warning, usually about things I didn't understand. I was the only one who was hit. He was controlling - my poor mum. My sister - well, where to start. I wouldn't know where to begin - she is just evil, fries my brain trying to work out what is wrong with her. She has certainly hit me in the past eg when I again asked her to talk and that time pushed it instead of backing off as per usual - she just hit me in the face. She has a major issue with me but to this day I don't know what it is. One time she full-on laid into me and her husband held my arms behind my back. They are so sick that pair. The story has gone round the family about my red mist moment but her violence is conveniently forgotten.

We are all in one city and it is hard to avoid them. I have cut off from them before but it caused my parents, particularly my lovely mum, too much upset. My dad has changed a lot and is trying to make amends. After another awful round with my poisonous siblings, I am again beginning to wonder if I need to tell my parents that I won't be a sitting duck for the family. It has always been that I have to keep the peace in order for the family to run smoothly but keeping the peace means putting up with being abused. If I say anything I am 'making a fuss', 'spoiling the family'.

I'll look out the Stately Homes threads dittany

So, what is a personality disorder? A disordered personality, or a set and rigid behavioural pattern that is almost impossible to change?

Try the Mental Health board. There's at least one thread active for those with personality disorder.

I would like to know what a personality disorder is - I don't know what it is. The title was wrong, I meant to write Do (do I have a personality disorder). I suppose I went off on describing what the problem was but I would still like to know what a personality disorder is.

This link is to a short piece in the guardian on personality disorders recently, may be a good starting point. Interestingly, it seems to say it's not the behaviour that gets that label so much as how much it affects yours and others life.

Thanks Stainless. I've had a look and, as you say, it's a start - though tbh I don't really come into any of those broad categories. I'll keep digging.

I definitely am not allowed to express my anger to my family dittany! The reaction is intense, extremely angry, immediate, a SOUND rebuke - she's broken the family code! Either that or the response is a collective groan of irritation that 'she's making a fuss again'. I am now predominantly bullied by the ILs, siblings partners. All acceptable apparently. I recently went to a family 'do' - first in many years - and SIL complained and bitched the entire way and back - about 5 hours in total - that my coat was too thick and I was using up too much space in the back seat so she was squashed. The fact that she's got a gigantic arse and would find it hard to fit into any seat seems to have escaped her notice. All this with most of the family in the people carrier, all blithely accepting that this was perfectly ok for her to snipe endlessly at me in the back seat. She also said she had seen me recently in my car - after we worked out that it was indeed me, she proceded to tell me that I had cut her up outrageously on a junction that was clearly marked. I am almost totally sure I wouldn't have done that, know the junction, considerate driver. I am so gobsmacked at what goes on, it's so petty and so sick. I did tackle it, have tackled it in the past, calmly and clearly, but it steams on like a train. . I kept my coat on (it was cold!) and let her harumph the entire way - she got incredibly angry, building up into a crescendo. They picked on my boots, how I ate my sandwich, constantly made snide comments about my supposed selfishness ("if miserere would JUST TURN ROUND AND HELP OUT"), sneered at just about everything about me. It is outrageous bullying.

They're all alcoholics, did I mention? I have had years of not caring, not seeing them. I have recently got back in touch with them - ma's bidding - and the decline has been almost immediate, I have become depressed.

Thanks for the link, I'll take a look. Painful though!

I'm not sure about the PD but it seems as though you have a very fragile ego (due to your upbringing)and the anger surfaces when you feel taken advantage of or 'got at'. I think regardless of diagnosis some quality (you need to shop around) psychotherapy would be helpful. I'm not sure that anger management is enough because to break the pattern you need to understand and change your behaviour.