Breaking the cycle from being a Passive-Aggresive

[Zahora]

Last night I ended up doing some sort of 'what's your conflict style' test online, and the score revealed that I am passive-aggressive. Now usually I take these tests with a pinch of salt, but it was like a lightbulb moment as I read through all the signs and symptoms. It summed me up totally. This morning I've been googling more about being a passive aggressive and feel utterly lost. I don't know how to change. I'm a passive-aggresive wife, daughter, sister, mother:(

It isnt always a bad thing to be. It depends on how you are doing it and why.

I've had similar lightbulb moment recently. But I think there is a difference between displaying traits of a personality disorder and having one. Partly that you prob wouldn't recognise it if you had it. From what I gather, we all show traits that are associated with some pretty scary pd's but it's the extent and the consistency that matter. Someone else who knows more about it than me will come along. My pa traits have been helped by cbt style counselling I had for separate things- I'm much more aware of the way I'm thinking and essentially have developed a habit of telling myself not to do it. So if I'm behaving in a pa way about laundry for example, by not doing it and sulking about it, I can talk to myself about it and "snap out of it" iyswim. Make any sense? In fact I found it really helpful to give a name to these things I've always done, and I'm glad now, after an initial panic that I was going to be on the friendship and relationship scrap heap. You could try your gp if you feel the counselling route might help.

Thanks lookandlearn, sounds optimistic, at least you've been able to break the cycle and recognise it. I ordered some books and will read more into it, this is the year to beat it. I totally understand about the laundry thing too.

oh my god i cannot imagine how people used to survive without terms such as "passive aggressive"! just be who you want to be, feck who you want to feck and get on with your life. these bloody stupid oh lets all be so intelligent terms dont help anybody! your a doormat or your not, your a wimp or your strong. enough with passive aggressive.

now lets all have a fruit shoot (dont see owt wrong with a fruit shoot, it aint crack)

Exteris. Before we had more precise descriptors, we used to call things like this "Being a fool to yourself", "Shooting yourself in the foot", "Too stubborn for your own good" and a whole bunch of other stuff. i could tell you them all, if you want, because I come from those days.

I'm glad of the more accurate terms becuae they help me deal with my shit (and other people's.) But if you think nobody bothered about them before we had the words, you're living in a fool's paradise ... another old-time expression, meaning something like "delusional"!

Zahora and LL, thanks for that about the laundry! Me too

I think I'm a bit pa too tbh, I try my hardest not to be. I measure myself against my Mother who was the Queen of pa. She could ignore you for days on end, then when you retreated to your room for however long to remove yourself from her studious ignoring and rejection, she would suddenly come into your room and cry about "why are you doing this to me"????? .

I am nothing compared to her, I may go into moods etc, but could not carry out a prolonged campaign like that. Actually considering that treatment it's no wonder I'm a fucked up fuck up, is it .

Passive aggressive is actually really real, exeter. You may think it psychobabble, and it may often be misapplied, but by god it is an actual thing.

I do try to bring up my grievances and frustrations etc with dp at the time, however he refuses to play ball and have civil discussions. He's more of a head in the sand/sarky comment/brush under the carpet type .

I wish I was a bit PA. I'm just aggressive and its exhausting for everyone.

Coinoperatedgirl, have been reading a lot about personality stuff recently and although my understanding isn't professional or extensive, I think that a really key thing is to understand that you do these things. Firstly, it prob means you haven't got a full blown personality disorder and secondly you can do something about it. The other thing I've understood is that by living with someone who is a certain way you pick up certain traits, they call them 'fleas'. Bit like if you live with adog with fleas you pick those up! They are a bit ingrained but you can 'shake them off'. I know that this is one reason why I've gradually behaved better in years away from home and with dp. Please correct me if I've got this stuff wrong- I'm a dangerous googler at times!!!