Wise mumsnetters, I need DH to pull his weight but it's partly my fault for letting him get away with it...

[slatterncantcope]

Namechanged...please can you instruct me on how to change things. We are both very messy people - think clutter and stuff and neither of us are worried about washing up immediaely after a meal, but I do like to have a tidy up when things start to look a bit rough.

We both work full time but I am on maternity leave at the moment. When I was working I still did all of the clothes washing, most of the tidying, most of the cooking and most of everything really. DH might cook once a week, never vacuumed, never put a wash on. I just got on and did it, including picking up socks from where he dropped them etc. I made it clear that when I was on maternity leave I wouldn't be able to keep this up and would need more help, specially in the first few weeks. For a while he was really helpful but this morning I have singlehandedly cleaned the bedroom, washed up, tidied the kitchen... yesterday I did 2 loads of washing and cooked dinner. Some of this I am doing with one arm whilst holding the baby in my other arm.

What shall I do? Go on strike? set him specific jobs and stand over him while he does them? ( I am still waiting for him to vacuum the bathroom which he promised to do last weekend) or sit him down and have a big row with him?

He has a habit of saying 'I was going to do that' just as I am finishing a job, or 'just ask me to do things, then not doing them. He has admitted to me that he does sod all and he's lucky to have me but still does nothing. As I said, neither of us are houseproud but I really want some help.

I would tell him now there is a baby in the family, the way you all live has to change. Dont put it to him as it is all him having to change (even though it is ), but discuss it as a family overhaul.

Get the house tidy between you this weekend, a good spring clean, so that you have a nice organised place to start. Make a list of all the jobs that need doing and divide it up between you both.

Then start as you both mean to go on. If he thinks its a joint effort and not just a nag at him personally, it is more likely to be effective. I was in a similar situation and that worked for us.

I think you should start by sitting him down and having a conversation with him, rather than a row. You need to explain, calmly, that ther is too much for you to do with the baby there and you need him to do his share of the housework. Then you can discuss which things you would like him to do - there may be things you find worst or he could do most simply, or just half of everything - whatever you think is reasonable.

And you need to explain to him that you need him to actually take responsibility for doing these things, not wait to be asked/told/nagged. And you can explain how often these things need to be done -every eveing, when the bin is full, etc.

Basically, treat him like a sensible grown-up partner. And then leave him to get on and do it, without reminding or nagging.

Then if he still doesn't get his arse in gear, have the row!

If he promises to do something, get him to specify a time, even if it's a rough time.

If he says "I was just going to do that" say "Oh good, you can do X then, I'll put my feet up"

Not sure on any others as I'm crap too. But he doesn't sound like he's trying very hard, TBH.

thank you for not having a go at me for being a walkover

A little bit of me thinks because I am 'off work' I should be prepared to do more but to be honest I am finding it harder with a baby than I thought, just physically being able to do stuff I mean.

I have just mentioned that I am fed up with the mess and he's promised to vacuum the bathroom (again) and said he would have washed up had I not already done it which is true - he would have eventually but just not as quickly as I did.

I DO need to get him to specify when I think, and also I DO need to just sit down and tell him he needs to do stuff. He just doesn't notice things need doing so the recycling can be overflowing all over the place and he won't notice, or if something needs to be put in the food waste he just puts it on top of the bin rather than in it! hrrmph!

One invaluable tip. Have two hoovers. One for upstairs, one for down. It is so much easier. Often just the thought of lugging the thing upstairs is a bloody nightmare. I also keep a box of cleaning wipes and a sponge in the bathroom.

My husband works all week, long hours, so I dont expect him to really do much in the week as I am at home. But at weekends, I do get him to do a few things, mainly jobs that I hate or struggle with. Hoovering the stairs, and a full thorough clean of the bathroom is his domain.

When I change the bedding, another thing I hate doing is putting the clean bedding back on, so thats his job. I just leave the clean stuff on the bed ready for him to do it.

Bins are his duty too.. the night before bin day I ask him if he has put them out.. he usually has and if he hasnt, he either does it then or on his way out in the morning.

My husband doesnt cook.. I enjoy cooking. So that isnt an issue, if I dont feel like cooking and tell him it is his turn, he pays for a takeaway.

Its all about balance, and if one person feels they are doing it all and the other isnt doing enough, then usually the balance isnt right.

The key to all this is for each to have total responsibility for an area of work, proportionate to the time the group of tasks take and with the end result of you having equal amounts of leisure time.

But whoever's responsible for laundry, the only things that get washed are the items in the basket. The person who leaves things lying on the floor should get the responsibility for cleaning said floor/room too.

Agree a rule that you won't make each others' responsibilities harder (e.g. if it's him washing up and you cooking, you will clear up as you go and be economic in your use of utensils and if it's you doing the ironing and him the laundry, he won't dry things to creased extinction). If that sort of compromise doesn't work, try the cradle to grave principle - one person does all the laundry/ironing/putting away and the other does all the cleaning/hoovering/floor-mopping.

Above all, never accept that women doing more is fair because the only fairness is in having equal amounts of leisure time and recognition that shitwork isn't fun but it has to be done, by both of you.

I would suggest that you both spend a day giving the house a really good clean and then discuss how you can both keep it that way.