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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

WWYD? Think might have made an arse of myself

47 replies

pollyblue · 19/03/2011 11:11

Have known someone about a year, a friend of hers suggested a couple of months ago that she was interested in me, hinting heavily that she is gay. We've had a vague "oh we'll go for a drink sometime" hanging about for a few weeks but nothing has happened yet. I am interested in her but very shy, so I thought I'd leave a small bunch of flowers on her doorstep as a gentle 'nudge', and to let her know that I really am interested. That was Tuesday - I've heard nothing from her, saw her yesterday and she said nothing about it, although we were with several other people for much of the time. But she's quite a confident, forthright person and I think she would have at least acknowledged she'd got them, even if she'd not said much else in front of the others. But I could tell from her demeanour she had got them.

No idea what to do now. Feel like I've really stuffed things up. If she'd said "for God's sake Polly, what were you thinking of?!" I would've taken it on the chin, but not knowing what she's thinking is horrible. Should I send a card saying sorry, flowers were a mistake or just let it lie?

I know this isn't much of a problem compared to some, but I really care about her and it's tying me in knots.

Advise anyone?

OP posts:

Original poster

pollyblue · 26/03/2011 15:46

My gut feeling (though I'm not sure i should trust that anymore! ) is that she is gay, the friend of hers who was doing the heavy hinting is gay herself, that's why i thought she was right.....

A friend of mine who met her just once a couple of months back said she thinks she gay too, but also "a bit odd." When I asked her what she meant she just said she thought I shouldn't get involved, she felt she was a bit blunt and cold. I've never found her like that, though. Well, blunt yes, but not cold.

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sufficient · 26/03/2011 15:46

TBH I think I would leave it now :( It's probably about 99% certain that she did get the letter but is choosing to ignore the whole thing, which is v of her IMHO.

I wouldn't call her, just carry on as normal. If she wants to do anything then fine (although what this has now revealed about her character might make you think twice), if it is all a huge misunderstanding and she didn't get the letter then maybe something will happen in the future?

But I think everything at the moment is pointing to this being a lost cause. Sorry x

BluddyMoFo · 26/03/2011 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AhhBisto · 26/03/2011 15:51

thing is, she has your number, she is forthright and friendly. she is very likely to now know that you're interested. So leave it with her to call you / sort out the drink. If you ring again you're just pushing something that she has so far chosen not to respond to.

Also think it's telling that she has your number but hasn't given you hers. While the phone book exists for a reason I think you would not be wise to call her at home when she hasn't given you her number. (I do think that you could have got her number and called her to ask her out for a drink had you not gone down the flowers and letter route, but that's no help now sorry.)

Original poster

pollyblue · 26/03/2011 15:51

piratecat, yes name in big bloody letters this time! You've summed it up really well, I thought I'd left it open for her to say 'thanks for the letter, but perhaps we'll just leave it at that.' I kept it deliberately lighthearted, I wanted to apologise, not put pressure on her. I could cheerfully have screamed when I got home yesterday and was none the wiser.

I'm not a very confident person, but think maybe a few minutes cringing on the phone in an effort to get things sorted out now might be worth it.....

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sufficient · 26/03/2011 15:53

Noooooooooo

Original poster

pollyblue · 26/03/2011 15:54

She has my number because she's my tutor (adult education) and has a contact number for all the students. I've never asked for hers - even when she was suggesting going for a drink - although in retrospect i should've done.

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AhhBisto · 26/03/2011 15:57

really wouldn't call her! what happened when she suggested a drink? why did it get mentioned but not then happen?

piratecat · 26/03/2011 15:59

no don't call her. thinking about it. i sometimes just want to 'know' iyswim. yet that could and prob would be seen as pushing it.

tbh, i would think , hmm if she hasn't said anything its a tad rude and at the same time she obv isn't interested.

keep your dignity.

Original poster

pollyblue · 26/03/2011 16:02

AhhhBisto, we went to the same arts thing in January (separately), had a good time, and the next week she said would be nice to go out again etc. And she mentions it from time to time - "we will go for that drink soon" - but has never suggested an actual date. As I was trying to play it cool (!) at first and didn't push to actually set something in stone, I'm finding it hard to say "Bloody when, then?!". Although that's what I'd like to do. And TBH I'm not sure if she knows how I really feel.

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wonkeydonkies · 26/03/2011 16:03

are you sure you have the right address?

Original poster

pollyblue · 26/03/2011 16:03

.....Because I've never actually said "I really fancy you!" Which would sort things out one way or the other, I suppose......

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zikes · 26/03/2011 16:04

Oh, as your adult tutor maybe it wouldn't be considered professional of her to start dating you? Maybe she had second thoughts about it. When does your course end?

I wouldn't call her: too too stalkerish without her actually giving you her number. Your flowers were a bit weird, the letter opened the door, it's her move.

Original poster

pollyblue · 26/03/2011 16:05

wonkey, yes def have the right address. It's not far from here.

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AhhBisto · 26/03/2011 16:06

hmm I suspect that the "going for a drink" is just a social thing then, sadly. because she could have pushed it, or followed up on it. But she's said that general thing of oh yes we must go out soon and doesn't know that you fancy her ... then suddenly there are anonymous flowers on her doorstep followed some days later by an explanatory letter.

it may also be difficult for being given she is your tutor. I know it's not like school or being an 18 yr old undergraduate, but there is still a line between student and tutor that she may be unwilling to cross?

Original poster

pollyblue · 26/03/2011 16:07

zikes, I don't know whether her being my tutor is a problem. But I wish she would just say if it is.

Course is continuing, will be there until september at least.

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Original poster

pollyblue · 26/03/2011 16:08

thanks for all the comments so far, much to think about. Domestic stuff calls, but will check back later

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zikes · 26/03/2011 17:04

It could be that she was just being friendly and meaningless vis the 'drink sometime'.

It could be that she isn't gay, isn't out or doesn't fancy you.

It could be that it would make it difficult to be professional as your tutor (potential accusations of favouritism/homophobia from pupils/employer etc).

It could be the anonymous flowers shit her up and she now thinks of you as stalker-material or potential nightmare bunny-boiler break-up if she did date you.

Whatever it is, I think your best bet for now is to leave it to her. If nothing happens and when your course ends you still want to ask her out, try again then.

Original poster

pollyblue · 26/03/2011 17:17

zikes, yes any/all of those could well be true. And if that's the case, fine, I just wish she would say! It's the not knowing that is horrible.

The social thing that we went to that really set all this off was two months ago, and since then I've (stupidly) left her flowers once and written to apologise for that once, so although i know the flower thing was wrong, I've not been hassling her or pushing for answers.....I'm pretty low-key and easy going and as she's known me a year I hoped she'd know that - I'm really surprised she's not acknowledged my letter, if she had, a couple of minutes chat could've sorted everything out. I'm completely stumped.

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zikes · 26/03/2011 17:23

I know it's hard, but she doesn't owe you a reply. It'd be nice if she let you know what's she's thinking, but sometimes you have to take silence as your answer.

MigratingCoconuts · 26/03/2011 17:49

DON'T RING!!! I think everything you have done so far has been fine and a bit sweet really. However, any further advance from you would now be creepy.

To be honest, the ball is totally in her court. You have laid your cards on the table and you can do no more. If she is interested, she'll call.

I would chalk it up to experience and move on.

BTW, when I met my now DH, I had to get drunk to pluck up the courage to ask him on a date, to which he replied 'yes, but I'm a bit busy, I'll call you sometime'. Two weeks later, he did but I had already long decided that I had made a total arse of myself!

Original poster

pollyblue · 26/03/2011 19:18

zikes, yep I suppose that's true. It would be good if she'd at least acknowledge, but she doesn't have to. I thought I knew her well enough to guess that she would, which is why i thought perhaps my letter didn't arrive. It's interesting that several posters have suggested maybe she's just a bit off or rude, and doesn't feel she needs to respond....maybe I don't know her as well as I thought I did.

Migrating - glad it worked out for you! Gives me a little hope...

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