still just cannot get intimate with DH - will sex therapy help me?

[worthless]

I just can't do it - he keeps trying but it is a NO GO ZONE for me......there is nothing between us anymore. I loved him for so long but we have been having problems for a couple of years. Usual story really - I am a working mum, 3 kids, and all the usual mum stress that we all have. However for years I have done everything at home (housework,homework with kids, shopping, cooking, getting up early with the kids when they were little, BF each for a year) No more than a lot of you on MN I know and I was happy with that role. I was happy to be the main carer, happy to make lovely home cooked food and the rest but then it all turned sour. DH turned nasty - angry at me, said that he was not happy and had not been happy for a long time, said that we had no connection, said that he felt unloved, moaned constantly about how shit our sex life was (even worse/non existent now).....told me I was a crap wife and didnt know howm to look after a man, critized the messy house (it isn't btw)moaned that he had to look after the kids when I work on a Saturday etc etc etc...
Went to Relate - things got worse - he was set to move out in January - didn't as he could not bear to leave the kids......
Nasty words from him have stopped but sex life completely died......used to have sex 2/3 times a week (not enough for him though) now not had it for months. Just can't do it - he has hurt me too much and for too long. Can't see myself ever loving him like a did. We have no cuddles, no touching, no intimacy at all. I stay away from him and he stays away from me apart from trying to have sex with me 2/3 times a week......when I refuse he sulks and tells me I have a problem and that I need help. Think he must be right after all. Feel so sad and lonely. Would love to get close again but my head is so messed up. When I look at him he is not the man I fell in love with when I was 16....I am 45 now and so sad that I have lost that feeling.....do you think some form of sexual therapy can help me or am I the emotional cripple that he thinks I am???

No,he is the one at fault here not you. I wouldn't be suprised if when he was being vile to you and detaching, he was having an affair, sounds line it.

Sounds like the damage is irreparable from your side, not suprising.

Hi..just my input..no I don't think sex therapy is appropriate at all.
You have fallen out of love with this man and it is of his making...you looked after everyone and what thanks did you get..none!!
He was nasty to you and so why would you feel happy or comfortable having sex with him..
He sounds selfish and critical and unfeeling.
Bloody cheek !!!

I'm no expert but anything that will help you and your husband decide whether there is anything to build on must be worth a go. There seems to be some issues not linked to sex that need to be resolved. i.e. do both of you want a future together, what does that future look like, how will you both change to get there? I don't think it's sex therapy you need but probably some couples/single counselling to establish what went wrong and whether you both want to fix it. If you can get to these answers and start a road to recovery, the sex issue will probably resolve itself. I think you just need to recognise that you need to roll back further than the loss of libido. That was the result, not the cause!

Well, he's certainly got his seduction technique working for him

It's not your fault. He seems to have an outdated and unreasonable idea of what a wife's duties should be. Your unwillingness to have sex with him is perfectly natural in the circumstances.

What happened at Relate?

My ex used to tell me that I had a problem and needed therapy too. I don't have a problem, therapy would probably help after all that he put me through but no, in subsequent relationships when I didn't feel pressured and I actually liked the person I was doing it with I've had no problems at all, in fact sometimes I even initiate sex, something I never thought would happen. The reason I had physical difficulty in having sex with him was just that I didn't feel safe or loved or cherished at all. It's a perfectly natural reaction :(

He's not the man you fell in love with at 16 - you were 16! :) It was a rose tinted view, I'm sorry. It doesn't sound like either of you are happy in this relationship at all, and from other threads I remember your relationship is not the happiest.

I had a thread about some sexual stuff a few months ago (before I entered a new relationship) which I will PM you the link to if you like, I'd rather not post the link around on threads because I don't really want it bumped, but if you would find it useful I can do that. I was having very similar feelings to you and wondering whether I would ever have sex with anybody ever again.

OP - Im not surprised you can't bring yourself to sleep with a man like yours.

Please please please read through the wonderful and heartfelt advice given to you on your previous threads.

And please change your username, no human being is useless.

OP, I don't think you are an emotional cripple. I think that it's quite emotionally well adjusted to not want sex with someone who's been vile to you and refuses to mend his ways. I'd be a bit about having sex with someone who didn't actually want to be with me but was only staying around for the children.

I wouldn't suggest sex therapy but think that Relate might be able to help you, but I see you have already tried that.

Your not wanting to have sex is a symptom of everything else thats wrong with your relationship. I think if you have to decide if you really love each other and want to be with each other, and work to reconnect and build a healthy relationship. When you feel emotionally connected again, you'll want to have sex again. But not when theres still so much underlying hurt, pain, resentment and lack of communication in the way.

You are not an emotional cripple! He has to help to rebuild the trust and love that has been lost.

Kiwinyc - you summed it up exactly.....I really am unsure of myself and our relationship. I really feel that I don't even like him very much at the moment....I have tried to rebuild things but he is not singing from the same hymn sheet IYKWIM.....he thinks that enough time has passed without him being horrid for me to want to have sex with him. He has apologised for the pain that he has caused me and is doing more around the home to help me but I feel that it is too little too late....he wasn't around for me emotionally or in a supportive way when the children were young and I needed the help and support and appreciation. I suppose I dealt with it at the time to some extent but when he said all the horrible things about being a crap wife etc my resentment reared it's ugly head again....and I just think that for me the love is now dead. I have suggested so many times a period of abstinance from sex with a determined effort in the affection department on both our parts. I feel that this is the only way that I can move forward. I want to be able to get close again and to start with the basics of cuddles and touching is what I need but he does not buy into this and just keeps saying that I cannot expect to receive love if I do not give him sex!!!! And so we go round and round in circles. Avoiding each other and then him getting pissed off at me when I don't have sex with him.

I do not want my marriage to end but for all the wrong reasons. Like him maybe I am just staying in the hell - hole because of the kids. They love their dad and he loves them......I just cannot be a complete bitch and force the end of our marriage just because I want out. But I just don't know how to resolve this. He will not try Relate again as the experience was not very pleasant but we were in a really bad way then....he will not talk to me about it as he thinks all that needs to be said has been said....

w, have you read back over your old posts?

worthless I've not read your old posts/ previous threads but i get the clear message from other mners on here that you have a deeper problem and have had lots of advice from mn before.

Dh and I had sex counselling a little while ago. It would not have worked if only one of us had gone (although I believe that may have been allowed). The counsellor took a very clear role of letting us speak (and making sure the other one didn't interrupt!) and guiding us through our own problems.

What she couldn't do was just talk to me and make me decide that i wanted to have sex again (in the way/frequency that dh wanted). What we got out of it was a more open relationship, a better understanding of how we both felt and what we needed to do to make the relationship work. But the reason that we went for counselling was because we were both sad - not because one of us was putting unreasonable sexual pressure on the other, or belittling the other.

Sex counselling for you alone will not help, i am quite convinced. If your dh won't co-operate and go with you then he's not really mature enough to get out of counselling what you both need.

You dont need therapy , you need a divorce . After reading your other posts he sounds vile and abusive and i wouldnt want to go near him either.

Lots of useful observations on this thread, and as I recall, plenty of wise words on your previous threads. I'd just like to add a couple of things:

1. Life is too short.

1. Love is not about making bargains, like when your husband tell you that you "...cannot expect to receive love if I do not give him sex." I expect you'd be well impressed if, in the future, any of your DCs had partners who said these sorts of things.

1. Speaking of which, your DCs may go out into the world, utterly confused as to what a loving relationship means (I know I was - I never learned what an affectionate loving adult relationship was at home, and spent far too long in a miserable relationship because I didn't know any better).

Also, could I just quote what you said:

"I just cannot be a complete bitch and force the end of our marriage just because I want out."

I don't know what vows you took at your wedding, as they sometimes can be phrased differently, however, one of them may have been something like promising "to love and to cherish". That would be both of you making that promise. Now, you'd be a complete bitch if you wanted out of your marriage if your husband was fulfilling all his promises.

Now ask yourself - is he cherishing you?