no more!!

[Inky]

When we got married I was sure I wanted loads of kids. After no. 1 I narrowed it down to 4. Now I'm pretty sure (100%) that that's it. How do you get it through to hubby - who keeps making jokey coments about the next one - that that is enough. Plus how do you make doubly sure you're right?

You'll know when you're sure and if you're asking us then you're not! Sorry.

Apparently 76% of couples go on to have no.2 (read this the other day).

It's funny really that everyone presumes that you won't just have one child. They go on about the 'next one' as soon as the first one can talk/walk.

I have 2 and although there is nearly a 4 year gap they are good friends, play together and keep each other company. They even wear matching outfits!!!!!!!!

I sympathise totally, Inky. I have two (one boy, one girl) - they are lovely kids, I adore them, and I'm very glad I have more than one. BUT I am completely sure I don't want any more, unlike my dh who goes gooey at the merest sight of a small baby. I've tried explaining all my reasons (age, career, sleep etc) but he still doesn't seem to take me seriously, and I don't seem to be having any success at convincing him. I knew in the delivery room after giving birth to my daughter that I didn't want any more (I remember a definite feeling of euphoria at the thought that I didn't have to go through that again ever!) and nearly 2 years down the line I haven't changed my mind. A close friend with children the same age as mine is now pregnant with no. 3, and when she told me and I didn't feel even a tiny twinge of envy or regret I knew my mind was totally made up. I'm past the baby stage now, enjoying my toddler and pre-schooler, and looking forward to doing new and different things with them - I really don't want to start all over again with another baby. I think many husbands don't have a true recollection of what hard work small babies and toddlers are, and although my dh is a wonderful and very involved dad, I don't think he really realises just how much more having a child has changed my life compared with his.

Inky, I always wanted 4, until we had 3, when dh found it was all getting a bit hectic and expensive, and said no more!! I still longed for no.4, pined and fretted, finally gave up on the idea and made plans for the future that didn't involve babies. Then we went away on a second honeymoon... and 9 months later we had no. 4! When I realised I was pregnant, dh was shocked and horrified for about 24 hrs, then couldn't bear not to welcome our child, so decided he was fine with it.
Now I am completely cured! I have reached my limit and know with complete certainty that I have neither the physical nor emotional energy for another child. I think Rhiannon is right, if you have to ask, you probably haven't convinced yourself yet. Of course, you probably feel you don't want to rule out something that your husband wants, because it's a partnership. However, it's the last thing you should do if it's only to please another person. Hope that helps!

Inky - do you mean that you have 4 and this is enough, or did you stick at 1?

Thanks y'all, esp Azzie - what you said definitely struck a cord.

I was so filled with hope & excitiment at the other pg tests & thrilled with the result. I did one a couple of days ago filled with fear, and was so relieved it was negative. I'm still not 100% convinced.

I am pretty sure I'm 100% definite that I don't want any more. I really didn't enjoy the new born stage or the 1st few months for that matter and don't know if I could face going through that again. Dh, while being a good dad was hopeless when it got past 9pm & I still feel resentful. Breastfeeding is a great excuse for (some) dads... I had really unpleasant deliveries (Not saying worse than anyone else, but just definiotely no fun for me) and felt really ill and was on medication for several months post natal. I just don't fancy going through it all again. Plus, what on earth will my poor war-torn breasts look like after another bout of BF - non-existant I reckon - Do they ever recover??

But now do I spend the next few years terrified of getting pg? (I have a coil but I still don't feel secure hence the recent test).
Do I spend the next few years wondering if I'm making a big mistake?
Dh constantly makes comments about another(always jokey, never gets into serious discussion about it). Do I feel guilty about not providing another?

Thanks for your input. It's really good to hear other people's point of view & experiences

I had a baby boy seven months ago at the age of 42; we had been married 13 years ago and had genuinely not wanted children - however then my husband changed his mind and, I admit, I allowed myself to become 'persuaded' to try and get pregnant. I am delighted to be a mother, however have absolutely no wish to have another - it is not a money/career issue - I am lucky enough to be able to stay at home by choice and have had a very rewarding career - I love the whole thing about being at home, involved in the community/voluntary work etc. We will be very careful not to allow our child to be spoiled (being older parents has enabled us to borrow EVERYTHING from friends who have completed their families!) and to meet up with other children/clubs etc. What are other views about only children out there? (NB My husband would like another but this time I am saying NO!).

Both my parents were only children, which meant I had no aunts, uncles or cousins, but I don't think I've been psychologically scarred by that!

My mum says she didn't mind being an 'only' when she was a child as she had plenty of extended family. But she found the burden of caring for elderly parents (at the same time as she was herself raising a family of four) an awesome and terrible task. Now she herself is elderly she feels very alone, with no one to talk to about 'the olden days'.

I don't think that's a reason to have another baby, though. It's just something to think about for the future, such as planning adequate care in your old age (who doesn't have to do that, nowadays???)and keeping lots of memorabilia, labelling photographs, noting special events, milestones etc so that your grown child can access things they may have forgotten about themselves.

FWIW, my adult niece is an only child and I know lots of other people, both adult and child, who are only children and they all seem as 'normal' as the next person, to me. The concept of the spoilt brat is not the sole province of the only child, either!

Good luck in your decision, just do what feels right for you and your family.

Lindy, you could be describing us - apart from the ages (I'm younger, he's older !) and in our case it was me who changed my mind. Dh was happy to change too and we were lucky to conceive very quickly. Now we are equally sure we don't want any more. However one thing I find really irritating is that while no-one ever queried our lack of children previously, an enormous number feel it is their business to comment that 'as an only child she will be emotionally scarred/spoilt/etc etc. so even if we don't want any more we ought to for her sake'

Lindy, read my earlier posting! My motto now is, "Never say never"

hi i have a big problem i have an austic child my only child and he is six now and i am 34 {but i sometimes feel 100}well dh want another well i have changed the subject a couple of times but the older ds gets the more i dont want another i feel it would not be fair on me and not fair on ds i have a lot of hospital oppements for him all minor but time consuming i had to give up my part time job it was geting to much and how do you tell dh there will not be a no 2 help