If you get upset, do you try to hide it from your partner?

[BertieBotts]

Just wondering if this is normal or something I'm hanging onto from past less respectful relationships. I don't mean if I'm really upset or if there's an issue that needs talking about because I will just bring it up, but something that I feel is silly and shouldn't be an issue, if I start to cry or whatever, I will try to hide it. And then (this is the stupid part) I get upset if bf doesn't notice that I'm upset. But why would he notice if I'm hiding it? I don't actually get upset with him, BTW, well only short term, I get over it once I've got over the initial upset and can see it rationally. But it just strikes me that this is a bit odd and maybe not that healthy.

What do others think?

yes, though therapy is helping. I'm slowly learning to bring things up as they come along.

I would say you are over-thinking it. :)

If you are trying to hide it, and he notices, but also realises you are trying to hide it, then he probably thinks it best not to mention he has noticed. :)

feel I should elaborate. For a long time H and I's relationship was awful (H verbally, emotionally and occasionally mildly physically abusive). I could not rely on him for any type of emotional support. If I tried to get some support from him I would essentially be abused (I was useless, needy, demanding etc). Now we are both in therapy and doing much much better. Neither of us had emotionally supportive upbringings, meaning that neither of us could instinctively either ask for or give support to each other, we simply didn't know what it was to 'feel' supported.
So we are both relearning together.

That's true squeakytoy I probably am overthinking it. Would you say the downplaying/hiding thing is normal or am I just weird?

Newname thanks for your post. I can relate in a way as I had a similar thing with my ex, if I asked for support or ever appeared upset in the slightest he'd immediately take it as a criticism of him, which not only made me feel bad for upsetting him, it meant every issue was about him and he could never just listen and accept I might have issues of my own I needed to work through. Bf is not like that though, the one time that I was really upset about something and he did realise eventually he was really supportive so I don't have anything to be afraid of in that way - I wonder if I am just doing it automatically. The other times have just been silly things. But it did take him ages to notice that time - in fact he only noticed I was crying because I said so, but then I was facing away from him, being as silent as possible and he was falling asleep! I think I expect him to pick up on tiny cues which he just doesn't, especially when he's tired or his mind is on something else.

I think it depends on the sort of thing that is causing you to be upset, as to whether downplaying it is normal. If you know it is something irrational, silly, or just plain over emotional, and not because of any real reason, then I would say its quite normal. It is for me anyway.

If I am pre-menstrual, I can feel tearful at the most trivial things.. and work myself into a complete howling mess.. but I know that it is being daft, and my husband would wonder what on earth was the matter with me if I bawled about these things.... so I tend to go have a bath, have a good sob in there, and give myself a mental talking to, to get a grip of meself!

I don't hide anything, he sees me warts'n'all. If I am upset, I tell him.

I also don't expect him to be a mind reader...that is a form of passive-aggression that will really piss people off if you engage in it very frequently

Those kinds of behaviours set up some potentially-awful communication problems within a relationship

Am not being harsh love, just giving my take, I guess that you wanted honest answers x

I used to hide being upset as well, I guess in past relationships I would be shouted at, belittled etc for being upset, this comes from childhood as well.

I don't know what changed, but if im upset, then he will know all about it (unless im crying at something on tv, then I know I get laughed at).

As peterandre (swoon) says, it really doesn't do you any favours communication wise, and he'll think your fine about things that your not, so nothing will change till you have a big blow out and he's left sitting wondering wtf happened.

< sidles up to lf > you likey Peter ?

will you have my babies ?

I need some more

I do this. My being upset used to be of absolutely no consequence during my childhood - it didn't change any of the shitty things that happened, so I learnt not to bother showing I was upset because it was pointless.

I know it's something I need to work on now. I hide my upset (really, really well) from my partner in my current relationship and subsequently have to keep myself in check to make sure I don't act passively aggressively towards him.

He couldn't make my birthday celebration last month as he had to look after DC that weekend, but I didn't say anything at all despite deep down being completely gutted. I thought if I said I was upset he would feel like I was asking him to choose between me and his DCs. So now I'm secretly cross with him and angry with myself for not saying anything. Feels like it's too late now to bring it up.

Hiding my true feelings = lose/lose.

very true, NGAT

No, I wear my heart on my sleeve and so does my H. I am evangelical about open, honest dialogue and detest smoke and mirrors communication. However, sometimes that means saying I need to reflect on something before I speak, checking out whether he's up to that sort of conversation - and vice versa. We both tend to reflect more before speaking, so that we've got a better idea of what's bothering us, rather than complete emotional incontinence.....

It doesn't end up in a blow out though because it's not things like that with me simmering etc... if there is a genuine problem I'll say.

I don't know why I do it which is why it confuses me. If I want him to know I'm upset, why do I hide it? If I don't want him to know, why do I feel a bit sad that he doesn't notice? It's just almost unconscious that I hide things.

Anyway I'm seeing him later so I'll have a chat about it and see what he thinks

Bertie I am the same as you! I hide it from my partner, then get more upset because he hasn't noticed I'm upset, although I'm trying to hide it .

Like today for example, I started a new job about a month ago part time and they are taking the piss out of me big time. I'm really mad and would probably deffo cry if I spoke to my partner and I'm not going to let them beat me, so I'm hiding in the bedroom on the laptop while he's in the lounge.

I know why I hide it. Its because I think I'm a weak person and lots more lovely negative things about myself. I'm determined not to cry about work though today which is why I'm hiding now!

I have done this sort of thing in hthe past and it doesn't feel healthy.

I don't think it's healthy at all either, I wish I could stop doing it myself.

I do if DP is away - mostly as he can't do anything & I know he worries about us at home so in my way I think it's protecting him as he's needing to focus on work not us.

I've a couple of times not told him & he's known when he's home, so has waited for me to open up and not pressed things. Also he's admitted I might say i'm fine but any decent partner knows when their other half isn't.

Am working on it thou & learning to be more open about that, for me it's the whole see my weakness thing & feeling vulnerable. Also helps that he's learnt I need time to process my thoughts before I can articulate myself in a way which won't make me out to seem like a howling banshee lol.

It's like I don't feel entitled to my feelings or something. I guess I'm worried that if I show him I'm upset about something he'll just think 'oh you're no fun, you miserable cow' and leave me.

I know that sounds ridiculous but I'm stuck and I don't have the balls to change it (yet).

You need to be honest with yourself about if you arectruly trying to hide it. Or if you feel unsure about being upset and want to seem stoic but actually want him to notice so that you can be forced to explain why you are upset.

So rather than

you :> that really upset me. How could you let x happen"
Him "you are being really silly. What an over reaction"

You can do

him: is something wrong
You: no no i' m fine
Him: well you seem upset
You " no really......"
Him : " oh come on sweetheart, something is wrong. Tell me, I want to know....

It is an unintentional tactic for when we don't feel entitled to complain. When we have been taught that we are not allowed to be upset because of family dynamic etc etc.

Bloody frustrating to deal with. Fucks communication hugely.

Hmm Pag that's interesting, I think the second one ie I want to be asked and don't feel I should bring it up myself for some reason. I think it's about not wanting to upset people or burden them with things etc. So possibly stems from family things.

I caught him on msn anyway as he might not come round later if DS doesn't sleep and he said even if it does upset him he'd rather know if I'm upset than for me to feel I have to hide it. And that's true and goes back to what we said at the beginning of the relationship, that it's best to be honest even if you think it might upset the other person, and he never is upset when I think he might be anyway. And we also talked about the thing I was upset about the other day which prompted this post, and he said he thinks I'm overthinking it but we also sorted something out over it, so maybe I wasn't being upset for no reason, if there was something that could fix it. And I feel better now.

Sorry to be so ambiguous I'm just rambling to get my thoughts straight now.

Bertie

I think it is designed to reduced the chances of upset being dismissed.

Dh is already engaging in supportive loving way so it would be difficult for him to gently tease from you what is wrong and then say " oh fgs don't be so wet"

I know this because I used to do it

Seriously. Whatever caused it, it is manipulative. It doesn't feel so because we kid ourselves that we are being brave and considerate but we are actually being the opposite.

Thing is, it is manipulative and it endlessly places your dh/dp at a disadvantage. That may no be so bad if he is generally dismissive of your distress. But if he isn't , it will wear him down.
And is a dreadful strategy to employ in front of children . Not least because they will see through it or learn to use such tactics themselves.

Don't get me wrong. I understand how it happens and that it has no malice or bad intent.
But it is worth changing.

That makes sense. I'll try to notice next time I do it, and say something. Thanks :)