Any non smokers dating smokers (and secretly hoping that they'll give up?)

[zinggorilla]

I love my dp but he smokes and I don't. He is always very good and goes outside for a cigarette. Never in the house.
However, I worry for his health. i am an ex smoker so I am not completely anti-smoking but I don't want him to get ill. I don't want dd to grow up thinking taht smoking is ok.
I shouldn't try and make him give up should I?

Has anyone actually persuaded their dp to give up and HOW?

And ok; I know it is his choice and no ;I am not going to leave him if he dosn't give up.

how old is he and how much does he smoke?

Let him make his own mind up about smoking. Sounds like he is considerate as all smokers have been programmed to be and one can only spend so much time outside smoking so his 'habit' won't get out of hand.

I would bow out tbh, as long as he isn't smoking 30 a day, everyday, for decades then the risk to his health is negligable. His habit will cost a bit, 3 quid a day for 10 cigs (blame the taxation and anti smoking brigade for this) but it's not a fortune to someone with a bit of disposable income, less than the cost of a bottle of wine and less harmful.

I am a 10 a day quitter (drinking some strong red wine) for the last 2 months and feeling pretty miserable atm.

I am a heavy smoker, my non smoker boyfriend will become DP in the summer when he moves in. I couldn't possibly expect to be pooling our finances and spending as much on cigarettes as I do now... plus of course the health issues etc so I will be quitting.

He didn't convince me though, it had to come from me. We both love walking but my lung function and fitness is really shit at the moment due to smoking so much, and I just realised for the sake of my health and fitness so we can do the things we enjoy, something has to give.

I have given up before and had an awful time losing my 'crutch' and with weight gain, but he is wonderfully supportive and an ex smoker himself (as opposed to last time I tried to quit I was with abusive ex who still smoked) so I'm hoping this time I can do it.

Yes so anyway I think the realisiation has to come from some kind of health or financial (or both) wake up call for the smoker themselves maybe?

Psssht. I'm an addicted chain smoker so am completely biased. I know I stink to you lot, but I still reckon if you could snog him before you got serious, then you can do the same now? Been a while since I dated (issue not related!) but I used to try & be considerate with non- or less- smokers. Brushed my teeth, chewed mints, defragged hair, etc. In return I expected a degree of tolerance.

I'm afraid I think anti-smokers who pair up with smokers are daft. You can't help who you fall in love with, but you can try to make realistic choices. People are always trying to get me to stop but, no matter what they said about being concerned for me, they are basically aiming to change me. If they dislike me that much they should fuck off out of my sight. Btw (if anybody's still reading, I know everyone hates me!) - every time I do one of those lifespan quizzes, it tells me I dies 20 years ago

lubeybooby, I just wanted to say that I admire your honesty, and your capacity for self-analysis. It is clear how much you love your boyfriend, and how much you think about his wellbeing and you try to be fair. With such a clarity of mind as yours, I don't doubt you will succeed in stopping smoking and enjoying all the activities with your DP :). I hope you have many, many healthy and happy years together!

OP, I don't think I could date a smoker myself. However, I agree that your DP seems to be doing the right things, such as only smoking outside. Have you asked him directly if he has the intention to quit?

I've been with my DP for 14 years and he smoked for 12 of them. Of course I wanted him to stop but I recognized that he could only do that when he wanted to and not for anyone else. My friend, by comparison, has spent the last 10 years nagging her DH to give up and it just causes rows and resentment. My DP just came home one day with a load of gumph from NHS Stop Smoking thingy, picked a date to stop, and has never looked back - I guess he was just ready to do it. He smells so much better now :o

mine was on 20 a day for the first seven years of our relationship. i gave him Allen Carr and it worked - he just stopped. i think it's right that people need to be ready and dp reckons it was AC that made him realise he was.

before that i'd tried buying him patches - big waste of money.

i'm so not anti smoking as i used to smoke. i just care about him but yes it's up to him in the end.I think it's a bit sad not to date someone because they smoke but I don't find it completely repellant.

Can I just clarify that the facts given about the harm of smoking by adamschic are wrong. As a doctor for the past 20 years I have seen many many people suffer and die from illness caused by smoking far less than "30 a day, every day, for decades". I'm not getting into the original debate, just wanted you to know that that statement was incorrect.

Everyone's right though - it has to be his choice to give up, or it's hopeless. Hopefully he'll reach the same conclusion himself one day.

Fair enough Rebecca, I am not qualified to speak for the medical profession. Just a layman giving my opinion the effects of smoking and passive smoking. I am and many people have smoked without any health problems so it's hard to believe everything you read.