sibling abuse?

[namechangeforthis781]

Have been thinking for a while about an incident that happened when I was 6 or 7. I think I put it out of my mind for a long time, I'm not sure when it came to the fore, probably when I was 17 or 18.

My brother is 7.5 years older than me and I have a very disturbing memory (but just the one memory) of him being very sexually inappropriate with me. I remember the room, the clothes I was wearing etc.

When I was slightly older and he was left to babysit I was scared of him because he would sometimes hit me, throw me across the room etc. but I don't remember any other incidents of a sexual nature.

My brother is a bit of an oddball, has never to my knowledge been in a relationship (in his 30s now) but I get on OK with him and after a lot of years of awkwardness I'm managing to be a bit more normal. Should say I don't think my parents had/have any inkling that there was anything untoward going on. I do remember begging them not to go out on one occasion because I didn't want to be left with him but I reckon they probably just thought it was normal sibling stuff.

The problem is I wonder if it's real. It's so long ago and so distant that I don't know if I'm making something out of nothing...

Then recently I've started making connections (feelings of being dirty,shameful when I was young, inappropriate behaviour at primary school, sexual dysfunction as an adult) and can't help wondering if they're all connected.

Part of me thinks, well it wasn't that bad, people go through a hell of a lot worse, but the other part is just quite angry and confused.

I went to counselling over unrelated stuff last year and once we'd been over that I stopped the counselling as I felt we were going to dive deep into my psyche and the amount of sessions I was entitled to would only dig up stuff and not resolve it. I'm now wondering if I would benefit from more.

Have told my DH about it and one or two previous boyfriends, but I've never known what to do with the information.

Guess I'm looking for advice/experiences as I feel I can't really speak to anyone properly about it in real life.

TIA.

bump

I think the best advice anyone can give you is to not try to get advice off people on the internet instead of finding someone to help you in rl.

You really need some sort of therapist to help you with this. Someone who is trained to help people with the questions you have.

Clearly it's something that you can't just bury, because it is really occupying your mind. So you are going to have to face it head on.

There are organisations that can help you. I really think, painful as it will be, that this will not just go away and you will have to confront it.

i'm not expecting an epiphany or a solution to my problems. But i thought maybe people with similar experiences might share. I found it very difficult to get comfortable in my counselling sessions before, i don't know. Thanks for replying. I know i'm not getting many responses because it's not really a clear cut question (or about bumsex) i also already feel two faced to my family due to lack of discussion of the issues i received counselling for last year and i'm worried if i truly address there thoughts and feelings it's going to make me feel even less comfortable in family situations. I'm almost sure i could never dredge this stuff up with my family for fear of causing a rift so i'm wondering if i'm going to really benefit from counselling again. I don't really have any real life friends that i'm comfortable bringing this up with hence why i'm speaking to strangers on the internet about it..

sorry these thoughts and feelings not there

What do you think you would get out of people with similar experiences sharing?

would it solve your problem (your confusion and upset and wondering) if people told you the details of any sexual abuse they have suffered?

Would it help you to feel better in family situations?

No. It wouldn't. because it wouldn't be addressing YOUR problem, it would just be reading about the situations of others. And that won't change anything about your situation.

You're wondering. You're trying to sort things out in your head. And you can't do that by having other people share their experiences. If 20 people came on here and said that they too, had had a brother who they think behaved in a sexual manner towards them, what would you gain from that?

You already know that it happens. Everyone knows that. So it wouldn't make you realise you are not the only person in the world.

They'd tell you either that they had counselling, or that they didn't. And that wont help you either, because you already know that you can have counselling or not and the choice is yours.

I realise you really don't want to face this, because if you do, then it will be real, whereas now you can tell yourself that perhaps you have it all wrong and it didn't happen.

So what are your choices?

Have counselling or don't
Raise it with your family or don't
Challenge your brother or don't

Is this really something you are going to be able to put out of your mind?

Is it really worth living like this so that your family don't fall out with you?

All this stuff is really really something you need professional help with.

I think you need professional help in unravelling these memories and sorting out your emotions.

You said you stopped counselling because it was getting too close? I think that's where you need to go if you want to find your answers and that's why it felt so dangerous and uncomfortable to you.

I don't think MN will give you much more insight than you already have tbh. good luck

Hi namechange

I think you are very brave to be exploring these uncomfortable memories when it is less painful to leave things buried. But "to everything there is a season" and it may be it is the time in your life to deal with this. There is no rush, and it probably won't help to talk to the family because they will probably want to deny and suppress anything uncomfortable. You need to find a trustworthy counsellor, maybe via the BACP website.

I can remember sleeping in a tent with my brother when I was 12 and he was 10 and having an experimental snog which was deeply disturbing and dribbly. We were both a bit revolted and hence why I remember it. Clearly we have a normal sibling relationship with healthy boundaries so it was just about testing limits. Your situation sounds much more unequal and damaging, and you were the "victim" and not IN ANY WAY to blame.

Be gentle with yourself and get help, because you cannot put this back in the closet now it is out.

The memories you experienced are real, even if you don't clearly remember them. Memories fade into adulthood and often the brain purposefully forgets to protect you. Check out Speaking Out on Sibling Sexual Abuse (SOSSA) at www.sossainfo.org. There's some helpful info there.