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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sleep disorder or domestic violence?

18 replies

Sleepdisorderordv · 18/03/2011 15:48

As you can see I'm a regular who has namechanged. I'm really concerned about a friend who has told me that her DP of 3 years has recently started being violent in his sleep. I don't know him very well as I don't live nearby any more, but she has mentioned in the past that he has had depression. She has said that over the past few months he has been punching, biting and headbutting her in his sleep. He says that he has horrible dreams that don't feature her and that causes the problem but he won't go to the doctors about it.

As I don't really know him I don't know what to advise her, does anyone have any experience of this?

OP posts:
emmybooboo · 18/03/2011 15:53

Yes, night terrors. He must get help though, he really must.

Stress and alcohol can be triggers. There is a sleep disarder, like this it can affect people in different ways, some lash out, some become hysterical, etc.

He MUST see the dr. Without a doubt. They can provide meds to control it, and it stops him battering his wife. Why wouldn't he want to stop that?

squeakytoy · 18/03/2011 15:56

It sounds like a sleep disorder to me. Funnily enough we had a mild incidence of this last night, my husband had been drinking, not loads but enough that he was half pissed when he went to bed, and he slept really restless, arms flailing, muttering away in between the hog like snoring, and just as I was falling asleep his arm came crashing down on my head. I shoved him back over to his side of the bed, and just as I was falling asleep again, he whacked me on the head. At which point I sat up, and yelled in his ear, "do it again and I will slap you back"... at which point my vocals in his lughole woke him up enough for him to look at me blearily, and stomp off to the spare room. Which was great as I could sleep in peace.

So, going back to the Op, if the husband is depressed, and it is affecting his sleep patterns, he is possibly having bad dreams, and he really does need to see his GP or it wont get any better. In the meantime, if he wont get any help, or until he does, it may be better if they sleep in separate beds.

If this is the only time that he is "violent" and when awake is a perfectly normal and kind person, (which my husband is), then it isnt aimed at her. None of us can be responsible for our actions while we are asleep, but in a situation as dangerous as this, he really does have to seek some help or risk his marriage.

Ormirian · 18/03/2011 15:59

My dad stood on my mum's head once when he was trying to climb the wall to get away from the octopus.

AyeRobot · 18/03/2011 15:59

I would be very Confused at someone accepting that he'd been violent to his partner in his sleep yet refusing to get help. Does he think that it's OK?

garlicbutter · 18/03/2011 16:03

Yes, it sounds like a sleep disorder. That doesn't make it safe, though - people have attempted murder in their sleep! He needs to see a doctor. If he doesn't believe you, keep a phone by the bed and video him.

I laugh, sing, talk and shout in my sleep sometimes. Not dangerous, of course, but a big pain in the arse for anyone unfortunate enough to share a bed with me.

mathanxiety · 18/03/2011 16:03

Won't go to the doctors is bollocks.

She should make the appointment for him and drive him there herself if needs be. And make him sleep on the couch until he goes. Strip off all bedding from the bed and hide all the household sheets, comforters, etc., and get herself a sleeping bag.

garlicbutter · 18/03/2011 16:03
  • sorry, your friend - not you
waterrat · 18/03/2011 16:05

Im sorry but I think this is an example unusually! - where mumsnet is not going to be able to help - he claims its something medical/ sleep related - well, that needs a diagnosis. People coming on with stories of bad dreams/ examples of sleep disorders is not going to clear up whether or not he is telling the truth.

A hundred people could come on here and describe the same experience of a sleep disorder - that wouldnt be evidence that he has a sleep disorder.

It sounds very very odd that someone who has violently attacked their partner by accident woudl refuse to get help. If my partner hurt my in his sleep he would MORTIFIED>

she needs to protect herself, whatever the hell is causing it and ensure he sees a doctor - if he doesnt, she sleeps elsewhere. tbh - the fact you are even asking presumably means there is reason to suspect dv right?

MizzyDizzy · 18/03/2011 16:08

I awoke one morning to find I'd 'gained' a black eye during the night...dunno what happened?? I presumed either I'd done it to myself or DH had bopped me when asleep.

So I would defo' say it is possible to violent, unknowingly, when asleep.

I find it more unsettling that the guy concerned won't go and get any help though.

garlicbutter · 18/03/2011 16:09

I meant to say that as well. Including the part about making him sleep elsewhere.

Sleepdisorderordv · 18/03/2011 16:37

I have already said to her that he definitely needs to get professional advice on it as it's not safe, but I had nO idea what else to say. Thank you all though, I feel reassured that it's at least possible/probable that it's a sleep disorder rather than dv.

OP posts:
Sleepdisorderordv · 18/03/2011 16:39

Oh, she also said that he was really upset that he had hurt her. I don't have any reason specifically to think it is dv, just my own past experiences make me hyper vigilant I think.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 18/03/2011 16:42

If he is genuinely upset, and it has happened more than once in a short period of time, then surely he should have the decency to see a GP to get to the bottom of it. They cant just let this continue.

StewieGriffinsMom · 18/03/2011 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sleepdisorderordv · 18/03/2011 17:56

I agree that not seeking help is a worry. My friend said that when his depression was really bad about 2 years ago she and his brother hAd to practically drag him to the GPs. Maybe he just hates doctors, but if he has depression then he would have to go quite frequently anyway wouldn't he?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 18/03/2011 18:37

Not necessarily. He may think he's 'cured' of the depression and he may well be functioning well apart from the sleep/violence thing. You don't have to go to the doctor.

The brother should step in again and help here if she can't do this on her own. It's irrational to know he's hurting his partner yet to refuse to have the problem checked. That's why I think if anyone moves to the couch or the spare room it should be him.

Rapid Eye Movement Behaviour Disorder -- RBD description. It is treatable.

SaggyHairyArse · 18/03/2011 18:43

There was a case recently where a man with a sleep disorder murdered his wife and he was found not guilty so of course it is possible BUT he needs to get help.

Sleepdisorderordv · 18/03/2011 21:11

Holy shit really? Someone was killed? Right, I am telling her that, maybe she can insist on that basis. She said that when her DD is ill she has been sleeping in her bed with her rather than bring her into their bed :( Angry FFS, if nothing else he appears to be incredibly selfish GRR

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