Finally decided to divorce - tips for keeping things amicable?

[ChangingWoman]

We've had problems for a long time and have been living pretty much separate lives for years, since before our youngest child's birth.

Last night, we finally had "the conversation" and have definitely decided to divorce. So far it's all amicable. Any tips on keeping it this way?

Although we've talked about divorce in theory before and have been sleeping separately and "maintaining separate households under the same roof" for just over a year, we never made a decision on what we were going to do.

For financial reasons and to ensure DH can easily spend time with the children, we're going to have to live together for quite some time.

There's no one else involved, we earn similar amounts and are in complete agreement on joint custody and financial responsibility for the children.

DH is keen to wait out two years and cite separation as grounds for divorce. I worry that if we wait that long while living in the same house we'll end up at each other's throats even though we're on good terms now.

I think we have a better chance of civil co-parenting in future if we cut the legal ties quickly. I could easily cite unreasonable behaviour and start the ball rolling but would have to be diplomatic about wording the petition to keep the peace.

I was so relieved last night but now I've thought of so many possible problems that I'm getting wound up again.

when i separated from my 1st husband we wanted to make it amicable, and he wanted to wait for 2 years separation rather than divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour/adultery.

i saw 2 divorce lawyers who both told me "there's no such thing as an amicable divorce" and urged me not to wait for 2 years.

5 years later i was fighting him for a divorce and i lost out massively on the financial settlement because of having waited so long. it was also very far from amicable.

so in my case, the lawyers were absolutely right, and i wish i had listened to them.

Might be worth speaking to a solicitor but use one who is a member of resolution - I don't agree that you can't have an amicable divorce as I had one.

We went through the financial separtion first by agreeing what we would do with finances. This is the key - trying to ensure fairness. If, post split, you are both going to be active parents then both parents need a housing provision. The children need to be taken care of finincially so a good approach is to work out what the costs are and agree to split the costs. Once you have the finanical split you can both start to rebuild lives. There are many parenting guides that can help you work out how to co-operate.
The actual divorce - ending the official marriage - can come later.
You can ask a solcitor is you can sort the financial arrangement before the divorce, ususally it's best to have a legal agreemnt that ends each others' 'right' to martial assets. An example that solicitors uses is - say you agree a split but 1 year later (pre finalisation) you inherit a large sum of money he would be entitled to 50% of that that.

Odd as it seems - a respect for each other (as parents and individuals) is important, you can both agree that you don't make each other happy but agree that you are both good people. Having no one else involved does also help.
I'm not saying the journey will be plain sailing but if you can get through it without major hostility it is much better for you, your ex and the most importantly the kids.

Thanks mrsravelstein, hariboegg and Smum99 - it's really helpful to hear stories of personal experience of similar situations right now.

Did everyone else use a solicitor? Maybe we're both being pretty naive in thinking we can do this ourselves. I'm not a lawyer but do deal with legal and financial issues regularly as part of my job and am not intimidated by the forms and jargon. I was hoping to save money and do the best part of this myself. (DH is the arty type and just says he'll go along with, and sign, whatever I recommend within reason.) Maybe this is too optimistic.

I know that some solicitors offer free initial sessions. But I'm concerned that it might seem like I'm turning the heat up a few notches by consulting one.

So many things to consider...