Coping with DH's continual 'midlife' crisis

[mrsdootoomuch]

I've namechanged as too cowardly to take a flaming from those who offered support & advice here a year ago (which was wonderful & appreciated but ultimately I foolishly perhaps ignored). I am late forties, 2 DC (7 & 11) and married 16 years - our relationship has been always blighted by his binge drinking, total inability to face up to anything 'financial' and obsession with football. He also had a short-lived texting affair 4 years ago and a brief affair with an ex work colleague last year which ultimately resulted in him calling it off and staying at home. We have had three attempts at counselling over the years which pinpointed the drinking & occasional drug use as the root of his problem. He always is sorry but continues to return to the same behaviour after a few days/weeks. Last night I'd booked a babysitter & restaurant but he didn't even bother to come home at all - says he slept in his car as was totally p*ssed.

When he is at home, not drinking etc he is funny, good company and the kids love him to bits.

However since not coming home (not the first time)he kids are confused and upset so I know I need to show strength and be a good role model.

Im not working right now as my last job was totally manic 40 hours per week and half my salary went on childcare - terrified of how I'd manage without him especially as we have debts and he is crap with money.
Feel trapped, unloved, unrespected ...

Well it sounds like it's been awful for ages and nothing's changing is it? What do you want to do about it?

I want the seemingly impossible I guess, for him to have some kind of epiphany and realise what a twat he can be and become considerate, respectful, responsible!!

When he had the affair it was 'my fault' as he wasn't getting sex at home - but who would want to shag someone who DROVE (yep) home half cut, passed out on the sofa and snored like a walrus...

Take it from someone who knows: if he is an alcoholic (and it sounds like he very much is), things will never, ever change until he decides to do something about it. Usually that happens when they hit 'rock bottom', i.e. see that they risk losing everything, or in some cases actually having to lose everything; before they will take any action.

You wishing for things to be different won't make it so. This is how it is now and you have to deal with that.

As long as he's still got you there at home, booking restaurants and looking after the kids, he is going to keep on doing exactly what he's doing.

Thanks MH - you are right, he has promised on many occasions to go to AA (never did) and see saws between acknowledging he has a problem to denying anything of the sort. He is always sorry, remorseful until the next next time...

you making excuses to yourself.

get a job again - the kids are old enough for cheap (relatively) after school and holiday clubs etc.

or maybe you will have room for an au pair if he goes....

he wont change.

change yourself.
get a job and throw him out - so that he realiseshe changes completely, gets help etc to try to win you back or this is it.

Seriously, this is how it's going to be forever. So either accept that and stay, or refuse to accept that that is the rest of your life and leave.

This is not a midlife crisis this is who he is. He would rather sleep in cars drunk than come home to you. He is an alcoholic and an unkind selfish man who has blamed you when he has let you down. You say he chose to stay - did you make a choice? Why will he change? You are enabling everything he does.

He is making you deeply unhappy yet he is the one who should be ashamed - please see these excuses should not keep you putting up with this. You can get benefits, he legally has to support you and debtors will accept reduced payments if you negotiate. There aren't debtors prisons now. Your children need you to respect yourself because they will learn about relationships from you

Please don't subject your kids to this loser any more. Unlike you, they have no choice, they can't walk away the way you can.

Do you want them to learn that a relationship like yours is okay?

Because that's what they are learning.

I agree with waterrat - not a midlife crisis. What are you getting out of this marriage?

What sort of example is he setting your children and what example are you setting by tolerating his selfish immature behaviour?

Get rid and stop worrying. You will mange fine as everyone does. Take the leap.

I know this is another one of those 'leave him!!' posts but this has been going on ages, you have flogged and flogged the horse and nothing has improved. Life is too short for this shit.

manage* even

I agree with the others. This isnt a mid-life crisis. This is just a selfish tosser who has no respect for you.

A mid-life crisis is wearing t-shirts that only under 25's should be seen in, or driving along listening to music that only teenagers understand, not behaving like a complete self obsessed wanker, chasing other women, and treating you like a doormat.

Tell him to go live in his car.

not a midlife crisis

an abusive man

your children are learning very damaging lessons here, watching their mother get treated like shit

please will you find some self respect and kick him out

he is never going to change, not least until he loses what he has

maybe then he will treat your concerns with a modicum of respect....until then, put up or shut up

those are your choices

The thing about issuing ultimata to boozers is you have to mean it. Go back once and they will never believe you again.

So this time if you want change you have to tell him you will leave, and be prepared to follow through with it.

If being prepared means having some cash to call your own, maybe get a job first? I reckon that spending half your salary on childcare still leaves half your salary plus maintenance and benefits to bring the children up on.

I'm not telling you to leave, here. That's your decision. But it is clear that you could and would materially and emotionally cope if you did.

Your DH is not having a mid life crisis he is an alcoholic. Whats more he is an alcoholic with absoloutly no intention of giving up. Even in his most 'remorseful' state he hasn't made it to an AA meeting?
This is it for you. There is nothing you can do to make him give up if he won't. If you stay you will live with a constant cycle of benders, crises, affairs. Either live with that or get out.

The thing about issuing ultimata to boozers is you have to mean it. Go back once and they will never believe you again.

yup

the same logic applies to selfish tossers who treat you like shit

I hate it when posters say "He's a twat. Get rid" in response to almost everything but in this case I'll make an exception.

He's a twat. Get rid.

I have been there and can categorically say that you will manage.

When you return to work you will obviously have your salary, any tax credits you are entitled to, assistance with childcare, reductions of things like Council Tax as you would be a lone parent and maintainence.

I also think you will cope well in a practical sense as you won't have to factor your DH into the equation, other than access.

If you look at cycles of behaviour you will have the honeymoon period when the offending party is on their best behaviour, you will then have the build up, the binge and then then the remorse, around and around and around.

Do you want to continue living like that, do you want your children to? Do you want your children to think this is normal and acceptable? Do you want your happiness to be dependant on this cycle?

I know I didn't. I got out last August. It is the best thing I ever did!

Hello mrsdotoomuch. You are worried about how you will manage without him. Can I just say that from your description of him I am wondering exactly what his contribution is ? Apart, of course, from demonstrating time and time again what a useless twat he is. If being a twat were a unit of currency you'd be rich, my gal!

Calamity

OP - so, you've walked this walk before. Nothing has changed in the last 12 months and here you are again, by your own admission, discussing the same problems.

YOU are the only person who can decide what happens next in this relationship. I use that term very losely.

As others have rightly said, your children are the innocent ones in all of this. They have to stay until YOU leave or kick him out. So they are at your mercy I guess.........

Why would you expose children to such appalling behaviour, for over 12 months?

How can that be okay? And for you? How can you just bumble along for 12 months, knowing deep down (and you do) that DH will NEVER change.

Because he doesn't want to. You know that, right?

End this now.

Hi all - sorry had to pick up kids from school and do a 'tea party' but have now managed to get back online. Thank you for taking time to comment - if I'm honest it's what I already knew but needed a massive kick up the arse for others to tell me!
Last year I felt bereft, in bits and now just feel disgust and verging on indifference! My girls are the most important thing to me so when my 7 year old piped up in the car this afternoon that she was going to make a star chart for daddy's behaviour I knew it was time to take action. I feel so ashamed for being so self absorbed - thankfully I am blessed with mature, kind, savvy girls; the last thing they need as a poor excuse of a father. Watch this space... I feel much more empowered thanks to you all xx

MrsDotoomuch,

Why do you think you went onto ignore all the counsel the first time around?. Scared, ashamed embarrassed, what were the reasons?. Think you need to address that question as well to your own self. Following on from that I think you also need to ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship now. There must be something keeping you there otherwise you would be long gone by now so what's happening with you?.

What did you learn yourself about relationships from your own parents when growing up?.

He is neither a good dad nor a good husband to you if he is behaving like this. You have taken him back time and time again and he knows you far better than you know him in that he can still play you for a fool. Two affairs, a football obsession, no sense of financial responsibility and a long standing problem with alcoholism and you're still there!. Pah!!. He knows that he can do anything he likes and you'll still be around enabling him to continue. Happy days for him but not for you or your children.

You have also played a part (primarily that of enabler) in making the relationship the way it now is. Is this really what you want to pass onto your children, the legacy if you will. Some legacy that is for them. They will indeed be fortunate not to end up in the same type of dysfunctional relationship themselves if you were to remain with him.

Your children probably wonder why on earth you remain with such a damaged soul and they won't thank you for doing so either in the long term. They will come to call you a silly cow for staying and wonder why you put him before them when they were children. You were not put here to rescue and or save someone who ultimately does not want to be saved.

What you are doing now is also teaching your children damaging lessons regarding relationships. You are both teaching them damaging lessons.

What he is also now doing as well is dragging you all down with him. He is more than happy to do that and you're allowing it also to happen.

I feel the most for your children in all this because both their parents are failing them. They don't have a choice ultimately re this man but you do.

You certainly need a massive boot up the backside otherwise you will be writing here again in 6-12 months with yet another name change!.

He won't change but you can certainly change how you react to him.