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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update on being allowed to cut my hair how I want......

42 replies

Flightymary · 17/03/2011 22:45

I would really like to thank everyone for their advice. I have spent time thinking about my situation and know I have to do something about it not only for myself but also for my daughter. It is not right that she sees relationships that are not equal but even worse is that I tend to be weak and allow myself to be pushed to one side. I should not feel that my personal appearance should be dictated to by someone else and this is going to change. He is going to either accept that I have my own mind and I am capable of deciding which new looks I would like to try for myself as an individual, not because I am fearful of upsetting my partner. We should respect each other on an equal basis. Whether DP can accept this will have to be seen.
I feel cutting my hair is a good start point for the beginning of how I want and need our relationship to change. I feel it is a sort of line in the sand. This is what I have decided. Firstly my DP is away with work for 4 nights from mid April. I feel that is a good time to do it, I won't feel under pressure. I went to see my cousin at the salon, she knows what DP is like and we had a good chat about what to do with my hair. She does feel I would suit it short but feels to cut it all off in one go is too daunting from down my back. We have agreed she is going to heavily layer it to about my shoulders like this as a first style. It will be great not to have all my hair down my back like it has been since I was a teenager, thats how long it has been since I had a new look.

www.hairdos.com/pic23/13111.jpg

This will give me the time to be sure I really want it short, and if I have any regrets I won't cut it a second time but if I am delighted I will go back on the day he is due home and this is what I would really like. I feel it is such a sassy sexy cut, so flirty and feminine, I so feel it will look great on me.

www.hairxstatic.com/styles/images/s_crops/g8/cropbld75.jpg

I will just be at home when he comes in and I will just ask him if he likes my new look. If he goes crazy I will just say that I love my new look and that so many people have complimented me on it. I will explain to him if he thinks I look so ugly I would understand if he wants to end our relationship if he no longer fancies me or find me attractive any more. I plan on standing firm as I know I can't go on like this any longer.
My biggest concern is when he calls to speak to us at night, I am afraid DD will give the game away, has anyone got any ideas on what's best to say so she keeps Mummies haircut a secret from Daddy when she talks to him?
Well thanks everyone for your help, I have known that my situation is not healthy for either of us. I just needed this push to make a new start. I now feel more confident that if we do split up someone will find me attractive again in the future. It is as if someone has switched on a light, I have woken up to the fact that I am not ugly and I have just lost my self confidence.....or had it taken away from me.
I will let everyone know how things go,
Thanks

OP posts:
Newbabynewmum · 17/03/2011 23:12

Good luck. You are doing the right thing x

cestlavielife · 17/03/2011 23:13

go fot it

dont ask daughter to lie

tell her lets make it a surprise for dad - but if she lets on, just say YEs i have had my hair cut it looks great.

if he rants on phone say "maybe you should not come back then" and put phone down then dont answer it.

nurseblade · 18/03/2011 03:34

Good on you.

The second link doesn't work for me, I'd love to see what cut you are going for.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 18/03/2011 03:58

Gosh that second one is very short! I think the two haircuts idea is fabulous.

Really, good luck. I'm pleased that you've even thought through some of the things you'll say to him, and I'm really pleased that you've talked to your cousin about the whole thing. Will you be able to ring her and offload if the confrontation gets upsetting for you?

garlicbutter · 18/03/2011 04:33

They're both very pretty, flattering cuts :) The second one would look awful on me, but that's because I've got a double chin! Did have a similar cut a very long time ago (also from hip length) and loved it.

I'm also very pleased that you've been able to discuss things with your cousin; it's good to know you'll have some backup and/or someone to moan to if H kicks off.

You sound very clear-minded now. I'm slightly awestruck! What with your confident new look and new inner confidence, H would be mad not to fall in love with you all over again. Let's see whether he is ..!

Congrats :) :)

ninah · 18/03/2011 07:15

nice haircuts, you'll rock them op

strawberry17 · 18/03/2011 07:49

I was a lurker on your other thread but just seen this and I think the hair styles are great and you will look great, and you will feel so much better in yourself for doing this!!

2rebecca · 18/03/2011 08:02

I like the haircuts but would find the second style a pain to wear as it looks like your hair would be always in your eyes.
I'd be more inclined to have the first haircut and only get the second haircut when that grows out. That way you have more fun experiencing the first haircut and get more value for money out of it.
If the second hair cut is the one you really want though and you're afraid your nerve will fail if you don't get it done whilst husband away then do it the way you are planning.

tribpot · 18/03/2011 08:12

I like the first cut, but it's entirely up to you what you choose to do with your hair :) A haircut can be a very liberating thing and, especially in your case, a sign of taking back control.

I agree with the others, you can tell DD it's a surprise for dad and see what happens, although if he really does flip out when he finds out, DD may feel hurt to have been made complicit in the 'surprise'.

Your second link didn't work for me either but if I pasted the text into my browser it did, let's see if this works any better.

Go for it!

warthog · 18/03/2011 08:17

fabulous idea!

i like them both.

good luck - i hope he sees how unreasonable he's being.

FourFortyFour · 18/03/2011 08:20

The first one is lovely but I think a tad longer might be less of a shock.

The second link doesn't work for me.

jesuswhatnext · 18/03/2011 08:34

hair cuts aside - dont let anyone tell you you are weak!, you sound very strong to me!

go for it! Grin

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2011 10:24

FM

I wish you the best of luck with your new hairstyle and get it cut to your liking asap. TBH I would not be waiting until he goes away for 4 days but that is your perogative.

I would concur with cestlavie's suggestion re your DD. This is your hair and you have every right to do what you wish with it.

I still reiterate that this is not so much about your hair as it is his need to want to contol you as he has done previously. Now you are bucking this trend finally (hurrah!) you need to continue to be strong for you and your DD. I do not think for one minute your man will like it; infact he would not like any new style you chose.

The following scenario could play out. He will react badly (that's a given) and probably go off on one when you show him your new hairstyle. He could well say to you that its awful etc and put doubts into your mind with perhaps even accusing you of trying to attract other men!. He will certainly not listen to any of your reasoned argument. You saying in response that others have complemented you on it will just in his mind add more fuel to his fire.

You state you want and need the relationship to change; he does not see it that way at all and never will. Controlling behaviour is also learnt behaviour as well as abusive behaviour; what was his parents relationship like?. This need to overtly control someone else (in this case you) has come from somewhere (probably his own parents/family members) and such men do not change.

Controlling men are often angry men as well. In that respect please be careful.

I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft if you have not already done so.

squeakytoy · 18/03/2011 11:20

I think both the styles are lovely. The second one will be a lot harder to maintain, but the first one will be much easier.

I personally would send him a photo of yourself from your phone as soon as you have had it done... so he doesnt walk through to door to it and throw a wobber. That wont be nice if it is in front of your daughter, and hopefully he will have got his (ridiculous) rage out of the way before he comes home.

nurseblade · 18/03/2011 12:11

The second one is beautiful, very similar to my own hairstyle. If I were you I'd go straight for this without bothering with the inbetween one. I think the second one will be easier to maintain.

issey6cats · 18/03/2011 15:54

love both styles and more important well done girl for standing up for yourself and good luck with whatever you do in the future you deserve respect not putting down emotionally if he throws a wobbler just say tough luck

Dropdeadfred · 18/03/2011 16:04

Well done for making the decsion - my only thought is that you are still deciding to hold out until he is away to do it. why not just do it now?
(If he's a complete arse about t you can make a much bigger move whilst he's away ifykwim)

PeterAndreForPM · 18/03/2011 18:05

that second one is how I have my hair Smile

COCKadoodledooo · 18/03/2011 18:20

I went from long hair (below bra strap) to a Judi Dench stylee pixie crop last year - I swear the people at Dignitas would ask if I was sure less than my hairdresser did Grin

As long as you're happy with your decision then nuts to everyone else!

Original poster
Flightymary · 22/03/2011 17:13

Thanks everyone, I have his training days so Ive booked in for Monday 4th April. I feel this is the start of a brighter future whatever happens. Quite frankly I am cool with whatever the outcome, he can hate it and leave, love it and stay but one thing is for certain I am not going to allow him to dictate to me any more. I just did not realise how under his spell I am. DD will be fine if he leaves as we can build a loving home just the 2 of us if I have to, I want her to grow up seeing how wonderfull a relationship can be not one where I am afraid to say or do anything as an individual.
It is going to be a momentous few days but I will be strong and see things through.
Thanks
M

OP posts:
Mouseface · 22/03/2011 17:20

I have really short hair, you can see on my profile page, and it's v short at the moment so actually shorter that that.

I've had it like the second link too. You'll look stunning. Smile

cestlavielife · 22/03/2011 23:35

be careful flighty.
controlling people dont give up easily.

if you can, have someone else around when he gets back to see your new look...

get a bag pre packed with passsport money important documents. spare car keys .

have someone eg a friend you can go to for the night .

keep your phone charged up.

of course - he may say wow fantastic i love you like this - and you will be left confused...

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/03/2011 00:45

Flighty, I didn't visit your other thread, but I ought to have done, I'm sorry.

I am so heartened that you are standing up for yourself and recognising that the way this man has had you living is not right.

I applaud you for making this decision. We do know that creatures such as him don't give up easily, and he will chuck every manipulative trick in the book at you.

But we will all be here for you, whenever you need us to be.

Get the bag packed and stored off sight, and have a friend on standby, and aat the slightest hint of anything, get out.

PeterAndrefor PM, you say your hair was similar to the 2nd pic... nice, not to different then to how it was in this shot?

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/03/2011 00:45

site not sight... gah!

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 07:23

I am very proud of the photo, LMHF

My package looks brill !