Can you divorce Grandparents?

[Tlb]

I do not like my parents, for a variety of reasons but in the main I have been made to feel throughout most of my life (and we’re talking from a very young age) that because they HAD to get married because of me that I have consequently been blamed for the poor state of their miserable existence (“If it wasn’t for you I could have been so and so…”). I got out at the age of 18 and went to University - Bliss!! Contact over the years has been kept to an absolute minimum and relations have never been great.

I have over the years attempted to open up and reconcile our differences only to have this all shoved in my face in some stupid thoughtless gesture or phrase. I would be much happier if they were completely out of my life and I never had to see them again frankly. However for the sake of my daughter (a 2 year old) who is their only grandchild we see them about three times a year. Last weekend was the last straw. We took them to lunch, when they arrived I wasn’t at the table, they completely ignored my husband and zoomed straight in on our daughter and didn’t greet him until he’d made his presence felt. They treat our daughter like a puppy and even my mum said she’d ‘entertained’ them nicely on Sunday morning. Sunday lunch was a family affair then our daughter needed a nap so she went to bed. Immediately my father got up left the table sat in our sitting room and put the TV on, my mother shortly followed suit and sat there for the next two hours and completely ignored my husband and I.

I have had enough I don’t ever want to see them again – I feel like sending them video clips and that’s it – its not as if they even have a great deal of affection for our daughter (they are pretty thoughtless around her and act pretty selfishly actually – although they make a fuss) I honestly think that they enjoy this lavish attention and affection that they get from an innocent 2 year old as they have no friends and don’t get on with other members of their family – she is literally the only beacon in their sad pathetic little lives right now and makes them feel good about themselves.

My husband can no longer stand how much this is angering and upsetting both of us because to ostracize seems incredibly harsh but what other choice do we have – I have tried explaining to them how we feel and why we have reacted the way we have and they really don’t understand. Help!

Gracie

How thankful I was to read your message. Most parents do the best they can for their children, with varying degrees of success. I cursed my parents in my teens and early twenties for being poor and illeducated - I was ashamed of them. It was not until I had children of my own that I learned to appreciate that they looked after me, got up in the night to comfort me, went through agonies when I was ill.

And RobinW - would you be able to sustain abstinence now if you had to?! and do you always exercise self control as an adult? Don't you think that the human race has evolved so that every generation is better than the last? I would expect that my children will be better than me at all sorts of things - particularly with regard to the rearing of their children.

No child asks to be born, but once they are most parents do all they possibly can within their limits to ensure that the child is fed, watered, loved and cared for. If you can find no gratitude in your heart to be thankful for that I think it is very sad.

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Liza

I realise that your message came from reading only parts of what has happened in my relationship with my parents and that when you do not have the full picture it is difficult to understand my motivations.

I have spent the last 16 years of my life trying to reconcile with my parents only to have stupid and fairly ignorant responses usually that whatever I have said or done has been all my fault and that I should be grateful that my mother couldn't afford an abortion - when you are told this from age 5 or 6 constantly this is not someone who is nurturing their child in a loving environment this is a young mother venting her frustrations on a small child who has now been left with a lot of mental scars (She was also at great pains to make me understand what an abortion was btw) My father became a youth club leader and spent many a happy year organising wonderful activities for the youth of other families but never his own. I was regulalry attacked with whatever instrument my mother had in her hand at the time (I remember a frying pan very well)

Well, Liza I understand she was a struggling mum in a bad relationship - but I didn't ask for this what about her forgving my birth and making the most of her life as you tried to do - she has never once tried to better herself despite the fact that she blames me for the s**t life she has led for 56 years.

So yes I am angry at your response as were many others on this thread. I have tried to forgive, and cried buckets by the hurt i have felt - they have no social or caring ethics in their bodies - they are utterly utterly ignorant of what kind of affect they have had on my life (and I realise as a mother myself the enormity of this)

I too would be devastated if my daughter said the same things about me and I hope it won't come to that because of what I have lived through. I am gladly divorcing my parents - there will be no more effort from me because I have had enough.

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Robinw - I do feel pity for them and have done for years.

Time and time again I have built bridges for us to meet on and I have had that shoved in my face too many times - I go by peoples actions as well as what they say and their actions have always spoken louder then their words (even though those hurt!)

No I am sorry but they are pathetic people who blamed me for a bad marriage and worthless lives when they could have done so much more for themselves - they in fact have tried to rely on me over the years to provide happiness and love in their lives and I have tried again to please them and help (but it is not a burden a daughter needs to bear) only to have stupid reactions and words sent back. They are now trying to use my daughter to the same end and I won't have it.

They live hundreds of miles away and also she has two other sets of grandparents courtesy of seperated parents in law who we get on well with so she won't miss out on two sets as it were.

When you have been verbally and sometimes physically abused all through your childhood it is difficult to forgive and forget as these are still essentially the same people capable of inflicting certainly the same sort of put downs etc on my daughter as they did with me and in fact they have started already (telling her she was stupid for wetting herself recently - I went ballistic! as she is only just starting to use the potty etc..)

I have as I have mentioned many times on this thread been a very grown up and sensible adult about this situation and tried oh so very hard to build our relationship up, but when there are no foundations with which to work I can provide only bricks but they certainly do not want to supply the mortar - the result is inevitable don't you think.

Life is too short to waste time on people like my parents. We buried a very close friend recently who was age 34 (same as me) when he died of cancer. It made me realise that a) there are no guarantees in life and b)the good die young.

As I started the thread 'am I the only person with a miserable mother', I thought I might tell everyone again how I now deal with it all.

The most important people in my life are my husband and my children. I have managed to build a 'wall' around myself now to protect myself. I do not put myself in a situation where my mother will give me knock backs and put downs.

Recently I stupidly told her I'd lost weight and was wearing some old size 14 jeans. "Really" she said "they look much bigger than that". I put down the barriers and she was straight in for the kill.

I phone her very rarely and never ask her to go anywhere with me now as I know the reply will be no so why torture myself.

My husband is wonderful, knows exactly what is going on and how to deal with how I feel.

Better go on the school run.

I wish you all Good Luck. R.

Rhiannon

Sounds good to me!!

Who would be a mother? It is so hard to do everything right.
No you can't legally divorce the grandparents.You can go nc, very fashionable at the moment, make them unable to visit you, always out etc, rip up cards and presents they send so the children don't think they are interested, don't visit. Do not let your child see them until they are grown up, tell your child what dreadful people they are, done even say they are dead, whilst small they will believe you. When the become adults the grandparents might be dead,problem solved, on the other hand they might want to find out why they were not in their lives. So yes, you have that control. Yours to use for awhile.

Quelto4

You're right, there's no harder job than beig a mother. I find I'm biting my lip every day to not shout at my not-yet-toilet-trained toddler for wetting herself, or describe in gory details what an abortion is to my six year old. I also fidn the not hitting them with a frying pan bit really, really difficult. Mums! Can't do right for doing wrong eh!

Your comments are ludicrous - it's easy to see which side of the fence you sit. If you find yourself with a grown up child who doesn't want to know you despite us being genetically programmed to want to be close to our parents, perhaps ask yourself why instead of playing the martyr. And read threads before commenting, too.

I was also the child of teen parents. I was also told repeatedly that I ruined their lives. I cut off my parents for several years. At the time, that was the right choice for me.

Later, I allowed them back in my life in a limited way with strict boundaries and realistic expectations. That is what is most comfortable for me now. For me at this time, it takes less energy.

It's OK to not let mean people mess with our adulthood in the same way they messed with our childhood. Part of being a good parent is protecting our children from dysfunctional people who would mess with their heads.

@tlb Do what you gotta do. You know your reality. You know what your parents are like. You don't need any one's permission or blessing to do what is right for you, your child, your family.

You might like the book "Toxic Parents."

This thread is 16 years old!!!!

ZOMBIE

From another perspective: my dad's father was apparently a nasty miserable person. My dad stopped all contact with him before I was born, so I have only one (very) vague memory of ever meeting him at all. My other grandparents passed away before I was born or when I was quite young, so he would have been the only grandparent I could have known. But I'm totally fine with my dad's decision. My dad's a sane, generous person -- I trust that he wouldn't have cut his own father out of his life unless he had good reason, and that he also did it to protect us from him. It never even seemed particularly odd to me when I was a kid, that I didn't 'have' any grandparents. I had lots of over lovely people in my life, including older aunties and uncles who were grandparent-ish age, plus older friends-of-the-family. Your daughter is young enough; she won't miss what she doesn't know.

ZOMBIE THREAD

ZOMBIE THREAD

The 'child' involved in this thread is now 18 yrs old, so save your breath folks....ZOMBIE!

Since the child is now an adult I don't think the advice is very helpful!

Why in the blue hell would you bump a thread that is older than the Lord of the Rings trilogy? How do you even find one!?