Mother/daughter relationship worry

[steben]

I am not sure if I am posting in the right place as am fairly new to Mumsnet but here goes. I have a absolutely wonderful DD (1) who I love more than I ever thought possible but I am worrying that I am worrying too much about our relationship.

I will try and not make this too long - basically my mother and I haven't had a great relationship - we get on OK now but mainly because I live some distance away and have learnt through counselling and other avenues to give myself distance from her and my dad. I love them but some of the stuff I went through growing up with their alcoholism, affairs they bought into the house etc...has seriously affected me as an adult.

However I don?t dwell on it and have a OK relationship with them both now and enjoy spending time with them most of the time. However when I was pregnant I got quite depressed and stressed about being a mother and kept thinking that I desperately didn't want to make the same mistakes as they did with my own children. I also (stupidly) really worried about having a daughter (we didn?t know the sex) and keep worrying now that she will grow up to resent me/hate me etc....and that we will have a difficult relationship like I have had with my own mother.

Has anyone else experienced feelings like this? I just want to enjoy her and not let me own messed up feelings interfere with my enjoyment of her being little :(

Had a similar kind of thing(I know everyone's story is different, but you get what I mean!). I think the fact that you are aware of it, and have been 'therapped' means you don't go the same way as your parents. I don't mean that I'm perfect - far from it, but I try and get the Big things right. I tell her I love her every day, and I really try to avoid the guilt trip stuff that I was subjected to. Try and live in the moment, and take deep breaths when necessary.

PS. It doesn't sound like she's going to hate you! Chill!

I have a difficult relationship with my mother, too. I don't have children (yet, hopefully) but have often thought about the effect my upbringing will have on my children. I had therapy for this very reason. Two words sum up the difference between you and your mother : awareness and responsibility. You've done the emotional heavy lifting during counselling, and you know where the issues lie. You are responsible because you are worried about making the same mistakes. I very much doubt your mother (or mine) was thinking along the same lines when she raised you. You are not your mother and your daughter is very unlikely to have the same experience of childhood as you. You are the centre of your child's world at the moment and as far as she is concerned you can do no wrong - that is why kids blame themselves for bad things that happen to them. Just enjoy being a mother, you sound like a lovely person who needs to give herself a break.

OP, I could have written your post when DD was little. The fact that you've got this awareness that Peabody and Sparks mention means that you are a caring parent, and won't make the mistakes your mum did.

FWIW, my DD is in YR9 now and we've got a good relationship. I was really worried that I'd repeat my mum's abuse, but so far, it's going ok. I'm not a perfect mum, more of a good enough mum

When you stated 'I just want to enjoy her' that said it all, you're already a good mum, who really cares.

Thanks everyone - sometimes you just need to know you are not the only one and sometimes it can be hard explaining this sort ofthing to friends who have really great and stable relationships with their parents!!!

I also feel bad because it wasnt like I was horrifically abused as some are - just subject to some stuff kids shouldnt really have to see/worry about.

I will take a deep breath and just try and relax and know that whilst no relationship is perfect I can try not to make same mistakes! :)

I'm in the same club as you guys. i just do a sense-check every now and again that i'm not repeating the same mistakes (or making up new ones

It doesn't matter - honestly! - how badly you were abused, there's no hierachy of suffering. The important thing is, you were treated badly, recognised it as such, and don't want to pass it onto your DD. If you didn't care, you wouldn't have posted.

Shit, that was badly worded. I don't mean your suffering doesn't matter, I mean that what you went through is still bad. Sorry if that sounded belittling

Steben, I have a dear cousin who had a similar childhood to you and she is so terrified of repeating it she has missed the chance to be a mum, to her deep, deep regret.

You have already tackled that fear, you can deal with anything now. Enjoy your dd, you won't make the same mistakes, you are too self aware. All the best

I had a very unloving relationship with my mum, which makes me feel very sad. She was a stern woman and very undemonstrative and I don't remember her ever giving me a cuddle or even a hug. My relationship with my own dd is completely different because of it. I have always told her how much I love her and how proud I am of her. You could call me a completely doting parent. The benefits are that she regularly comes to me for a cuddle even though she's now a young woman. She always calls me to let me know where she is and when she'll be coming home, because she knows that I worry. We had our ups and downs in the teenage years but I always made sure I told her that it was her actions that I disliked, not her.

the best thing you can do is to be ever so nice toward your mother in front of you dd till your dd is not old enough to have an adult conversation about family dramas
I have made this mistake with my dc and I am trying very hard to be pleasant to my toxic mum and see her as little as I can. DC was getting really nervous around us and waiting for us to blow it, that was the worst feeling in the world. You sound like you are in a better place, the distance helps, keep it that way and everything will be ok