toxic parenting, emotional legacy after death

[rosabelrain]

some advise please...
my cousin was diagnosed with terminal cancer 6 months ago. She was was told she had aprox 18 months at best and was advised to 'put her affairs in order'.
she is a single mum and has two children 9yrs and 4 yrs old.

the thing is since she found out about the cancer she has become really horrible to her children. she really picks on eldest dd, name calling, ranting at her that dd is useless, ugly, stupid etc. and also to her ds, just calling him every name under the sun. she shows them no affection as far as i can see and i's just terrible to whitness.

i know that some of the drugs she is taking might be partly to blame but i think there is more to this. i think she is angry about the illness and feels it's not fair.
i would really love to help her with what ever she is struggling with which is causing her to behave like this towards her children. but mostly i want to protect the children from the toxic messages their mum is giving them.
any advise welcomed thanks
i feel like i cant just stand by and watch her destroy her childrens self worth and any good memories they have of their mum.
i am going to have a big part in bringing the children up when she gone and really want to minimise any fallout from these last few month with their mum.

i want to talk to her about it but not sure
where to begin. she has been in denial until recently that she is as ill as she is. so owning up to the reality of the situation might be hard for her.i cant work out why she is doing this to them when they need her most

:( that is such a sad situation :(

It really must be terrifying for her, and while it doesnt excuse her behaviour, the medication, and the illness itself may be playing a big part in her moods.

Macmillan nurses are the most amazing people, who would be able to give you lots of very good advice, as well as practical help too.

This is a really difficult situation - horrible for all involved. It does sound as if she isn't coping with her diagnosis and the anger may be an attempt to distance herself from the emotional pain that she is feeling. Cancer can also have unpredictable effects on mental functioning.

I would see what support you can get for her - ideally without alienating her in any way as you are obviously a big part of her support network. Think about the school, whether she has any links to a local church that might be able to help and also whether a referral (with her consent) to social services might be appropriate.

I think your concerns about the effect on the children are very much justified.

Another recommendation for Macmillan. They were a fanstic help to my best friend before she died - they helped her mellow out, prepare her children for her death and put things in place. She had brain cancer. It had been causing erratic, mainly unpleasant, behaviour changes for a considerable time before diagnosis.

First and foremost, I'd concentrate your efforts on the children. Kids shouldn't have to understand things like death, adult fear & anger, enforced life changes and so on. But life & death are just that - protect and inform them as much as you can. They will suffer difficulties as a result of her death; it would be wise to seek professional guidance on that imo.

In many ways, what they're suffering is the beginning of the end. Cushion it as much as you can for them, guide them - and, yes, ask your cousin to help and to get help. I have to say, though, that if she feels she wants to be angry & horrid for her remaining few months - well, that's her right. Not sure I wouldn't do the same, at least for a while.

Hi thanks for your posts.

i will look up macmillan for some advice and hopefully some support for her. i think that
really she is distancing herself emotionally like you say. she really has done no preperation for her death re the children, they dont know how ill she is and she wont let anyone help her explain to them.
i accept is is her right to behave the way she is but it doesnt mean it is the right way to behave. i just think she would feel better if i some how acknowledge what she's doing and talk to her about ways i/ macmillan etc could help.

There is another element to this:
the father of the children who has been out of the picture since before dc2 was born, who has been wanted
by interpol for fraud, and for defrauding my cousin out of her house and car. Well he is now back and circling the family like a vulture.

he is a really nast piece of work, apart from the fraud, he has multiple identities, and multiple 'families' who he has also defrauded out of houses.
he is a serial bigamist, and father to god knows how many children.

anyway he has got wind of my cousin being ill and is now prowling round her and the children.
telling them he loves them,has always loved them more than the other families, is going to take them on holidays, to concerts etc.all of which he has promised in the past and not gone through with.

i find this really disturbing, after all they have been through with this man, and now the vulnerable state my cousin is in he could easily pressure her into all sorts of stuff. for some unknown reason she has been letting him into the house to see the children, and this is really emotionally screwing them up.

i want to protect the children from him, he has done so much damage to them already, they were homeless for 2 yrs because he took the house from over their heads. they find it really hard to trust beacuse of all the broken promises and layers of different identities etc.

what can should i do?

I'd phone the police and ask how to contact Interpol sounds like he's after the life insurance/death in service money to go to him not DC. Such a terrible situation for those kids.

i think you are right fluffy, i have spoken to police prevously about him on several occasions, but until i have proof that he is rying to do anything then they wont help. interpol is my next port of call. thanks, it's good to just discuss it.