Relationship advice for my best friend.

[HelpMeHelpHer]

I have name changed as this is not my own situation.

Basically my friend broke up with her abusive boyfriend about 6 or 7 years ago now. He was verbally abusive and very controlling. I don?t want to go into too much detail but basically he was of the opinion that ?what he said goes.? For example she wouldn?t be allowed out with her friends but he was out every night with his ?til goodness knows what hour.

She finally saw the light and realised that this is not how a relationship should be. Since then she has had just a couple of dates and a couple of short-term boyfriends, nothing serious at all.

Today she has told the man that she is dating that she just wants to be friends as he was putting too much pressure on her to move to fast.

She confessed to me that she is terrified to be in a relationship as she doesn?t want the same thing to happen again, I have suggested Relate to help her try to work through her issues. I am not sure what else to suggest.

I was hoping that you could point me in the direction of some essential reading for her, or even some words of wisdom. Unfortunately (or it may be more accurate to say fortunately) I am not any good at advice on dating/relationships/men.

Thank you in advance.

How old is she? Was the abusive ex her first relationship?

It does sound like she is being over-cautious, and still dwelling too much on the past relationship. Which should by this time be a distant memory. Maybe you could suggest she post on here herself to get some advice.

Hi squeaky, yes it was her first relationship. She started seeing him when she was 14, he was much older (in his 30's, I feel so angry on her behalf about this, she was taken advantage of ), she is now 26. I think you are right about her dwelling on the past, I just don't know how to get her to see that it is in the past and that there are some really good men out there that won't be abusive or controlling. That is a good idea about her posting here. I will speak to her about that. Thank you for your reply.

If she is afraid of the same thing happening again ( which is completeley understandable and normal ) direct her to womens aid. They do a course called the freedom programme that teaches you all the warning signs to look out for so you can spot it before it starts.

I hear its a good laugh and very informative , maybe you could go with her ? Theres also many books that do the same.

That's great dignified, didn't realise they did courses, thanks for the info. I would definitely go with her if she wanted to do that...anything to help realise that she is a much stronger person and if she did meet someone like her ex she would recognise the signs and leave straight away. I know she can do it, just wish she had some belief in herself. Maybe low self asteem is to blame also?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I dont think its necessarily low self esteem , she refused to be bulldozed into going too fast with this particular guy ( good on her ) so it sounds like shes simply afraid of ending up with another abuser. In fact , pressurizing someone like this can be a warning sign of an abusive charecter so shes done the right thing.

The freedom course has a book that accompanys it which is really good , maybe once shes confident she can spot it she might be more willing to date again , then again she might be perfectly happy to be single . Lots of women do this course more than once as its so good and it does make you much more aware .