What to do about my sister:Compassion Fatigue

[hopefulgum]

I'm not sure where to start, but I'll try to be brief.

About 2 years ago my sister started an affair with another man (she's been married 20 years and has 4 boys). It was kept secret for about 6 months, then her husband found out and she said she would end the relationship. She loaned money from my parents so she and her husband could go on a week's holiday to try to repair the damage. The entire time they were away on holiday she continued to text and email her lover (who, incidentally has a wife and 3 kids).

After the holiday she continued the affair whilst her husband thought they were trying to make a go of it. All the while she was hoping her lover would leave his family so they could start a new life together ( but she wouldn't leave her husband properly, keeping her options open)

Her lover lives in a different city, so she told her husband she had to move to that city, because it offered a better arts course she wanted to do(despite the arts course in our city being exactly the same). I don't know why (I imagine he was trying to help her "find" herself)but her husband was very supportive of this decision. It meant that she lived away for two weeks at a time and would come home, to her children and husband for a weekend every two weeks. Her youngest two(2 and 3) children were put into full time childcare because her husband had to keep working. The arrangement meant they were paying for her accommodation and other living expenses in the other city.She didn't work to help out financially.

Eventually she dropped out of college because she was actually spending time with the lover, not doing the coursework.

During this time she would call me and cry on the phone for hours because her lover wouldn't make a commitment. She got pregnant and he "made" her have an abortion (or he'd stop seeing her).I listened to her tales of woe for many many hours.I was patient and loving and tried not to be jugdemental.

Fast forward to now. She has moved back to this city, but goes up to the other city at least every two weeks. Her excuses range from seeing art shows, seeing specialist doctors, catching up with friends, seeing music shows etc. I think because tension is high at home, her DH happily lets her go. But she is still having the affair, despite the lover getting less and less loving, and giving nothing more than the occasional shag.

My problem is I'm not sure I can maintain my relationship with my sister. I can't condone how she is destroying her marriage and hurting her husband and children, and swearing me to secrecy. I hate that she just drifts, makes no financial contribution to the family and despite not having a job sends her two youngest sons to daycare everyday.Her selfishness is starting to make me feel angry. She has no time for me except when it is offload all her problems.

She's had loads of couseling, then comes and tells me it is all our parent's fault that she behaves this way. I wish she'd take some responsibility for her actions.

God, that was long. So sorry, I guess I really have compassion fatigue and don't know where to go from here. The last straw was when I phoned her this morning, she wouldn't answer to talk, but texted telling me she is too busy, eventually saying "I have fucking stuff to do you know".

Should I give up? Distance myself from her? She lives quite near me, but I can avoid her if necessary.

Often after seeing her I just feel tired and annoyed.

You poor thing. > You must feel so bloody worn down by now. I think it is time to sit her down for a serious chat. Let her know that she is using you up. She has councilors to confide in. She is an adult. You have to set a limit, or she will take all you have to give.

Oh Thanks Goody. I sometimes wonder if I'm being selfish because I'm sick of it. Truth is I don't think she's behaving at all like an adult. She married at 18.Went straight from home to married life( married first boyfriend) and I think she's trying to catch up on what she missed.

I have sat her down many times and told her what I think of the affair and the using lover, but never to tell her I feel used. I think she'd run a mile if I said that and probably cut off all communication. Suppose that's not necessarily a bad thing. She's pretty well cut off our parents - won't call them or anything unless she wants a babysitter.It's heartbreaking for them.I know they are quite hurt and have kept their distance.

Maybe that is what you need for a while? If you had a break from her, a chance to recharge, and focus on your on emotional well being, you will feel the benefits. If, down the road, you want to re-introduce her to your life, you can do it at a balanced rate. She needs to hear that her words and problems have an impact. For all this time, she has been hammering away at you. That counts for something. If she is forced to deal with her own situation, she will grow, and learn to deal with it, because she wont have a choice. Sometimes it is hard to step back, especially if you feel like you are the only one she has. Remember, you aren't...she has professional help. People who are trained to help, and paid for it too. Step back, take a breath, and look after yourself.
Sorry if this comes across as bossy, but a friend of mine went through something similar, and she ended up an emotional wreck. It was a terrible thing to see.

It sounds like everyone in her life is enabling her to behave badly. Her husband is giving her chance after chance, your parents are providing babysitting when asked despite her treatment of them, and she uses you as a sounding board.

Not only is it alright to tell her that she's using you and you won't be continuing the relationship, but it might do her a favour; it seems like no-one else is drawing any lines in the sand.

It's called tough love, and sometimes it's more helpful than being kind.

The thing is that people having affairs are supremely selfish and in many cases, it's just an extension of what was already there in large doses. Most people though, will be selfish if others let them, but it means that they lose any respect for the doormats they walk all over.

I suspect in your sister's case, no-one has ever told her that they won't stand for being treated like a mug, or like shit. Her H is probably making bargains all over the place and ignoring his inner voice, because he desperately wants to keep his family together. I expect he is hoping that this will burn itself out, or that the OM will end it.

The strange thing is that your sister is probably imagining that her H loves her very much, but is too self-absorbed to notice what is subtly happening in her marriage and why her H is so benign. She won't see that in all probability, a large part of her H's apparently tolerant behaviour is pragmatic, as the non-primary carer. In reality, she is killing the love he once felt for her. She's giving so little to her marriage that when this all ends in tears, she won't realise just how detached her H has become and that he has built a protective shell around himself.

Tell her how her behaviour affects you and you are quite within your rights, since you have been dragged into this throughout against your will, to reinforce what you think of her behaviour. I have to say that I would feel very uncomfortable seeing my BIL/nieces and nephews deceived and treated like this and would have to say how those feelings were affecting me personally.

I think she is behaving terribly.
yes, i think you should wash your hands of her, and be there for her husband and children when it all falls apart.
this is one of the most selfish things I have ever heard on here.