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Original poster

So cross with DH - actually more upset than cross

33 replies

Ormirian · 16/03/2011 14:51

Last night DH repeated something he has been saying with alarming regularity recently. That there are fundamental differences between men and women and that one of them is that women want to stay at home and look after children more than the fathers of those children do. I can't really take serious issue with that as I have no idea what 'most women' want Hmm I did point out however that there might be many men who would like to stay at home - and plenty of women who don't! So far so harmless even if i find his pontificating on 'what women want' a bit bloody annoying....

I mentioned that it's hard either way - damned if you do, damned if you don't. He responded with a comment along the lines of 'oh come on! It was OK for you. You wanted to go back to work and you did. You didn't let it bother you what people thought'

And I was speechless.

I didn't want to go back to work. I had to. I had to largely because he decided, after 4 years of my supporting him through university, that in fact teaching wasn't for him after all and went to work for social services as a care worker earing peanuts. I had to go back full-time. I got severe PND after my second child was born because by then I knew just how much I didn't want to leave my kids and go back to work. He also seems to conveniently forget the nasty comments from our neighbour 'another baby for someone else to bring up' when I told her I was expecting again. And the comments from both our mothers about how women shouldn't really work when they had children. Added to which I had the worry of being the main earner by a huge margin so I was constantly stressed about being made redundant or getting the sack. While DH swanned through a variety of crappy jobs trying to find one that made him happy Hmm.

I went through low-level aching sadness for years. I was tired, stressed and constantly regretful. Now I am reaping the benefits because I still have a career and fantastic T&C in my current post. But that doesn't alter the fact that I had a shitty time.

And now he appears to be air-brushing history to suit him.

I am so hurt. I know there's no point in it but is it wrong to want acknowledgment that it was hard?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ormirian · 16/03/2011 15:05

Not that it matters in the slightest. We are where we are.

OP posts:
compo · 16/03/2011 15:07

What a wanker

colditz · 16/03/2011 15:08

have you told him all this? he should read this post.

my ex used to airbrush history.

"You were fine, just a bit down..."

No, dear, one does not get the involvement of the nhs mental health crisis team when one is "a bit down, but fine really". I was ill. You are deniying I was ill because you know what a complete cock you were, you know you should have supported me, but you didn't, and admitting I was ill will admit to the world how selfish you are!

I actually got to say that though, in Relate.

Original poster
Ormirian · 16/03/2011 15:10

I am so shocked because he isn't a wanker normally. He's a good bloke by and large and is now earning more or less the same as me and doing a great deal more at home.

And in the past he has acknowledge that I carried him and that it was a hard time. I just don't know where this came from.

OP posts:
msboogie · 16/03/2011 15:10

you (and he) have clearly spent years putting his needs and wants before your own, so are you really surprised now that he has airbrushed your sacrifices out of existence and put his own selfish spin on the past?

instead of being speechless you should have given him both barrels of the above - but perhaps he isn't to be upset? poor diddums.

Original poster
Ormirian · 16/03/2011 15:13

"putting his needs and wants before your own"

I didn't see it as that. I saw it as doing the neccessary to keep us afloat.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 16/03/2011 15:14

Probably covering up any residual guilt by reinventing history.

Shouldn't laugh - well I didn't, I kind of snorted in half amused contempt - but I used to get that rubbish from XH about how work was my social life and I went there to hang out with my friends (and occasionally, if he was in one of those moods, to have affairs). When I'd had a particularly shit day followed by commuting hiccups I did not want to hear that I couldn't drag myself away from my lovely office for the sake of my children who were crying for me Angry.

colditz · 16/03/2011 15:14

YOU did what was necessary. HE didn't. That was the point at which he put his needs and wants about anyone else's.

Original poster
Ormirian · 16/03/2011 15:16

Yes maybe he was selfish. In many ways he did what he had to - no way he should have been teaching if he didn't want to i guess - who wants a reluctant uncommitted teacher for their children. But I don't care about that now. I do care about why he has suddenly decided it was a fucking doddle for me. When he must know it wasn't.

OP posts:
spidookly · 16/03/2011 15:17

"I saw it as doing the neccessary to keep us afloat."

Yes, but if he had put "doing the necessary to keep you afloat" at the top of his priorities, you would have had more options.

His choice to do low-paid work was at your expense and forced you into "doing the necessary* so that he didn't have to.

Northernlurker · 16/03/2011 15:21

No he's not being fair. It's the other way around for us. When dd1 was abou 4 months dh was offered a job in Birmingham that he wanted to take. It meant a total change for me - 21, first baby, no job and no friends in that area - and I freaked. He turned the job down without a second thought because I couldn't do it. We don't talk about it very much now and everything worked out ok but I would be mortified if he thought I didn't appreciate his decision. Like you he didn't have a lot of option - and it was a decision for our mutual situation but I know damn well that I benefited from that and he gave up something for me. It would be very hurtful if I tried to portray that episode as 'ok'.

spidookly · 16/03/2011 15:22

Or if you tried to portray that episode as though he was lucky he didn't have to take that terrible job he didn't want to do.

Northernlurker · 16/03/2011 15:29

Yes - it was quite a nice job that he did want and me wimping out left him in a not very nice job. I would go back in time and tell myself to get a grip if I could Grin Shows you how much you grow up actually because I wouldn't like to do that now 13 years later - but I could if I had to.

Original poster
Ormirian · 16/03/2011 15:33

Thanks for your responses.

I just wish I knew why he said it.

Weird.

OP posts:
onlylivinggirl · 16/03/2011 15:39

maybe I'm wrong but maybe he needs to see it like that- to be able to say that you wanted to go back to work that it suited you means that it wasn't his responsibility and he doesn't need to feel guilty?

Anniegetyourgun · 16/03/2011 15:42

Needs to? Hmm

Lemonylemon · 16/03/2011 15:47

Well, the next time he spouts this crap, just retort: "Ha, ha, yes, you just keep airbrushing history, why don't you?" and see what he says to that.

spidookly · 16/03/2011 15:50

I think, given how hurt you are, that you should raise this with him when you get a chance.

An "I just want to set you straight on something you said the other day" conversation won't hurt.

SueWhite · 16/03/2011 15:51

It would be really mean but you could tell him that you would have preferred to stay at home but couldn't because he didn't do what ALL MEN are supposed to want to do, which is provide for their families properly.

This is why feminism is good for men - because if you assert that all women should stay at home with the kids then you are asserting that ALL men should go out and work to get enough money to support everyone, even if it's in a job they hate.

Youllskimmer · 16/03/2011 15:52

Did you specifically tell him you didn't want to go back to work.

Original poster
Ormirian · 16/03/2011 16:09

No youll - no point. I had to. But he knew how much I hated it at times. He saw me taking the anti-ds, he saw the tears and heard me rant about it enough to know how I felt.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 16/03/2011 16:37

Well if he has the courage of his convictions, that most women want to stay at home much more than men do, why did he effectively deprive his own wife of that choice?

Why did he study four years to teach if he then decided against it, does this man know his own mind, never mind women's minds?

Original poster
Ormirian · 16/03/2011 16:58

Good question perfumed.

I think he has changed his views over the years Hmm I do wonder it's to do with working with women now. He is clearly more concerned about the TAs in his class welfare than he was mine.

OP posts:
JackieBauer · 16/03/2011 16:58

My ex dh was the house husband and I worked, when we split 5 years ago I left and moved around the corner, he has raised the children since as a single parent and he has been a bloody marvellous farther we have 2 teenage daughters and our son is now 7.

He has coped so well, much better than I would have, so not ALL women want to stay at home and not ALL men want to work. I know this isn't the norm but it has worked really well in my case and I always back him with decisions about the kids and praise him up to them. Pity he was such a shit husband :)

Original poster
Ormirian · 16/03/2011 17:01

See jackie - I love working now and I am not even sure that I would have been any good at staying at home even when mine were tiny. But it was the lack of choice that upset me and made me feel so trapped. If I had been able to feel that the decision to work was mine it would have been easier. I totally get how some fathers who are expected always to be the main or only earners feel.

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