Picky Eating Partners

[Noddyrocks]

Does anyone have one? Please tell me I am not alone?

My husband is nearly 40 and I am getting really fed up of his manners.

I try to cook a nice meal everyday and something different and you know it can take a while to cook a nice dinner. I am not the perfect cook but neither am I the worst.
Now everytime I put something in front of DH he either turns his nose up,goes in a silent sulk or starts asking questions about it!!
DH is a moaner anyway which I am slowly learning to live with but this can actually be quite upsetting. My family learnt to eat whatever was on their plate,be grateful and say thankyou! (mum was a very good cook though!)
If, on the rare occasion DH actually says he likes it I am overjoyed and feel I have passed an exam!

This week some examples of what I have cooked are a beef stew and dumplings, Fish with garlic potatoes and veg,Meatballs and spaghetti,shepherds pie and Omlettes.

Sometimes I feel like going down to tesco and putting a ready made meal in front of him (which has been done and ended in anothr sulk!)

I dont know what else to do. Any ideas? :(

If its any use, DH grew up in Nigeria but is very westernised having been in the UK over 20 years!(but says he doesnt want any Nigerian food!) God help me!

:(

I would suggest to him that he cooks.

That way:
You can see what he would prefer.
He can see how much trouble he is putting you to.
You can pick holes in his cooking (but not point-scoring).

Oh god yes, if he doesn't like it he can bloody well do it himself :D My DP is picky as well but he'd never actually sulk or turn his nose up at something I'd spent time cooking, he'd either try it (because over the 7 years of our relationship it has turned out that he's not actually as picky as he thinks, his mum just can't cook for toffee - when I cook the things he 'dislikes' he likes them just fine :D ) or say he's sorry but he doesn't like it and go and make himself a sandwich for dinner instead. And that's very rare these days!

Do you ask him what he does like? I do try and avoid ingredients I know DP genuinedly doesn't like, just as I wouldn't cook something I really hate. I'd try and accommodate his preferences, but if he just doesn't like anything at all (or says he doesn't), and won't make any suggestions as to what he'd like for dinner, I'd say it's no longer your problem - cook what you want, and he can eat it or not.

I'd stick an empty plate in front of someone that persistently rude about my efforts. If he's only going to sulk anyway, you might as well give him something to genuinely complain about. It's not your job to be his personal chef...

BTW... don't know why you feel obliged to 'learn to live with' a moaner. Would sap the life out of most people. Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to be honest.

What Chil1234 said.

I could do but he wouldnt be happy then not having dinner on his plate ready when he gets home(Which I enjoy doing and am fine with apart from the moaning)

Naoko, I have asked him time again if he would like anything for dinner or what he wants and he just says he doesn't mind, I can't think of anything he doesn't 'like' as such (apart from everything I cook! :()

I don't know Chil, it does have its effect on me thats for sure and it is draining. Sometimes I wonder too believe me! I think I have got into the habit of 'having to please him' and feeling almost guilty if I don't. I guess I just take it to be his personality.

I think you're being far too charitable. There is such a thing as emotional bullying... a 'drip drip drip' process of picking holes in people. Usually aimed at those who are so anxious to please that they tolerate the bad behaviour, feel that any criticism is their fault and are grateful for a little praise.

Is it just the cooking he moans about? Or do you also get criticism about other things such as your appearance, your choice of friends or your dreams for the future? Emotional bullies are very good at chipping away steadily at anything and everything until you're left thinking that not only is this a normal way to run a relationship but that somehow it's your fault and you don't deserve any better.

Assert yourself. You are not his servant.

I know what you mean chil and tbh it has got bad enough sometimes for me to contemplate leaving but then it all blows over. I know I should stand up for myself more and wish I was more assertive and I know I should be. I think my own dad used to be similar in other ways and it was always so hard to please him, I feel like walking on pebbles at times.
Basically, usually what happens is that he doesnt like something and will often stop speaking to me and I often have no idea why. This can go on for a few days, but I guess I put it down to him needing space. Its a horrid atmosphere when this happens. He doesnt comment on my appearance or friends but then we dont go out together really not do I have any friends here where we live as we just moved. Its usually about the kitchen or how the house is dirty or untidy or how I left the bin in the worng place. I am not an untidy or dirty person at all if anything I like things clean as possible but he sets such a high standard!

He did live in his own for quite a long time before he met me so sometimes I wonder if its because of that.

Sweetheart, you are being bullied. What you're describing is sadly very common controlling behaviour. Classic, even. He sets the impossibly high standards - the 'dirty' house, the 'untidiness', turning his nose up at meals - precisely so that you constantly fail and your confidence is knocked down a little more each time. By being hard to please, you try harder and harder... this is how they control you. The silent treatment is to punish you for imagined wrongs and keep that feeling of 'walking on pebbles' nice and strong. All the time you're nervous around them and not feeling confident, he's got you where he wants you... doing his bidding and tolerating his bad behaviour.

Other bad signs to look out for are petty jealousies.... controllers don't like you making friends, improving your appearance or doing activities or jobs where you might meet 'men'. They also tend to poo-poo any ambitions you might have rather than encourage you to learn new skills or spread your wings... they want you there, looking after them and not having a life of your own.

Finally... controllers will make up periodically and be on their best behaviour. Flowers, gifts, fulsome apologies, charm by the bucketload. Do not be fooled by this - it's just to make you think there may still be hope, that they really love you and are worth sticking with. It's a calculated move.

Good luck

Thanks Chil, I hate complaining or looking like a 'victim' because I do think I am a strong woman inside but find it difficult to stand up for myself sometimes. I guess my main problem here is that I am scared to leave my situation because we have a 16 month old daughter and I honestly don't know what I would do trying to fund things by myself. I do feel taken for granted though as well. He does not do presents really - don't think I have ever had flowers but I think that is also African culture. It is strange because he really doesnt seem like that kind of person but maybe he doesnt realise what he is doing or maybe I just don't realise. I dont really currently have a social life because I have my daughter all the time and am obviously not working at the moment.

Its very interesting though what you said about ambitions because I remember being upset once with him on the subject when I mentioned work although I can't remember quite what it was.

Noddyrocks,
I hate to break up the party, but I think that this thread should also be on the "Relationships" part of MN. In fact, whilst I am sure that Chil1234 is right in a lot of what she says, going to Relate may be in order. In other words, it sounds a lot more serious than a discussion over his eating habits.

If it's OK with you, I've suggest to MNHQ that this thread is resited to Relationships...

Hello. We're going to move this thread to Relationships. We agree with those who've already mailed us, Noddyrocks, that would be the best place to continue getting helpful replies...

Your DH is spoilt an d very ungrateful. He is behaving like a petulant child...
I honestly suggest you ignore him when he sulks. .. . .really !
How old is he ?? 5 yrs old ?
I am sorry, but if my DP did that I would finally lose it and just stand up , pick up him plate and slap it down on the kitchen surface.

I had a partner like that once and he was a dominating bully...and spoilt. (Blame their mothers !!!!)

. . .Or just finally tip the dam hot dinner on his lap.

Make him cook the meal and let him know how it feels to be unappreciated. !!!!!

P.S. . .no, he is not setting you high standard, he is being a dominating bully and emotionally manipulative.

When ever he sulks and ignores you for days, he is being emotionally abuse, in order to get you where he wants you = doormat .
Rise above his childish spiteful behaviour.

Your 16 month old is taking all of this in.

You are being treated like dirt. Stop cooking for him and make no comment. Prepare a meal for yourself and eat it. Or if you do cook for two, take his plate and deliberately scrape his meal into the bin when he opens his mouth to complain. Don't say a word. Just do it.

Don't put up with this. He doesn't need space and he doesn't have high standards. He needs a firm pushback from you.

He is a bully who enjoys putting you down and criticising you. If it wasn't the neatness of the house or where you put the bin it would be your appearance or your clothes or your friends if you had any. Or the way you deal with your DD. He doesn't actually care where the bin is or what the house looks like and he couldn't do a better job himself. He just wants someone to push around using whatever reason pops into his head.

How did it happen that you don't have friends or a group that you socialilse with?

This isnt about the cooking op , or the bin or anything else like that . Im assuming hes got worse over the years , and it usually gets worse when the sulking stops working and they then have to escalate it.

He sounds like a classic abuser unfortunateley , id give womens aid a ring to get some support.
In the meantime stop cooking for him and ignore his sulks.

This situation is an interesting one Noddyrocks.
Please let us know how its all goes in the next week or two.
Stick up for yourself.
Dont stand for his shit treatment.

He is a subtle , sly bully, and just wants to put you down, so he feels better about himself.

We support you Noddy !

Do you know, if I came home to the food you describe, I'd be delighted. (I'm female). My mum lives with me and after moving in, she said she would cook my dinner (I work long hours). The last meal she cooked for me was a small lamb chop and a baked potato. The potato was small and was so over cooked it looked like a small green testicle. Although the family laugh about it, I just felt as if she has no care to do anything nice for anyone. She sits in the chair all day watching tele and does nothing for herself and nothing for anyone else. Your husband needs a kick up the arse for not appreciating your efforts!

Noddyrocks, I can totally relate to your situation, even more so as you went on to mention African culture, well my husband is western African as well and I get the same behaviours from him with regards to meals as you describe... Im at my wits end sometimes... He is fine to cook for himself every now and again as long as he can go to 'his' shop and get the ingredients ( plantains, yums...), at least when he cooks he cooks a lot of it and it lasts him for a couple of dinners and gives me some breathing space if you know what I mean :)

Could you explain that you have a culture too and it includes men being grateful for meals their wives cook for them and no griping about the state of the house?

Culture is really no excuse. This is a relationship. It needs to work for both parties.

Thankyou for moving the thread and thankyou for your replies. I can totally see how this looks and yes I don't think he realises. Because I am now a SAHM too I think its easier for him not to realise (and for other men maybe?) Obviously I used to work and very much enjoyed what I did but I guess that bit of independance has gone and I guess sometimes as a SAHM we feel in 'submission' to the breadwinner.

Toyosi, It is very annoying isn't it? Having said that mine has said that he doesn't want Nigerian food so can't even do that!

Textual - thanks, Honestly not that great but at least I try! I would love it if you came around for dinner and said it was lovely!! :)

I think you are rigth math and ski - maybe it partly is my fault for putting up with it. Maybe I do need to bite back sometimes.
Dignified, I wish I could see it like that. I know it often takes an outsider to see things for real as we get so smothered by a situation it often blinds us.

Thanks for letting me get it all out MNers. I feel a bit guilty for writing this thread now. Today is a 'good' day and I havent been moaned at yet!

Noddyrocks, you have been given some good advice already. I know that re-evaluating your relationship is a hard task and it seems like an impossible leap from here to living a life where you don't have to deal with this.

What would happen if you said "I've had enough of my cooking not being good enough for you. You'll have to feed yourself from now on."?

You don't have to pander to him, you know?

Sad that a good day is one you haven't been moaned at. And also that you feel he has some sort of a right to behave badly because he earns money. Did you insult him for things he did for you or round the house when you worked?

Please push back. This is a horrible habit for a man to get into. Sadly, some need training and some get ideas about themselves when they're the only ones bringing home the bacon.

It's not partly your fault at all. It is all his fault, but having said that, you can choose how to respond.