WWYD after affair?

[trialiad]

Courtesy of the OW, I recently found out that my DH has been having an affair. Well, more of an on and off fling according to him but who knows. He says it started as cheap thrills at a time of stress, has only happened a few times and he has mainly stayed in contact with OW because she threatened to tell me and he thought stringing her along would prevent that. He has promised to break off all contact, and wants to work on our marriage.

I have not been entirely happy in the relationship for some time, but haven't been able to put my finger on why. I've been thinking a lot about it since finding out about the fling/affair, and today came across the website for the Freedom Programme, specifically this: Mr Wrong vs Mr Right

Now he isn't entirely Mr Wrong, though there are definitely elements, though no DV thankfully. But he isn't Mr Right either. (But then running the chart for me, I'm not sure how well I've been behaving in this relationship.) He suffers from depression and I end up having to "manage" his mood a lot. He has a couple of personal habits that I find unpleasant but try to put up with (usual male stuff) He works really hard for us all, but I do the bulk of the home related work, despite having a (low paid) part time job. We have a lot of shared interests and used to have interesting converations. However he's become pretty arrogant since I've known him (work success has gone to his head) - people tell me he is a hard man to like, and these days instead of interesting chats he monologues about people / events that have offended him. We have 2 young DC who adore him, and I would go a long long way to avoid hurting them. He spends more time with them than a lot of dads even though he doesn't do much childcare. I don't earn enough to support us alone. His depression would certainly spiral out of control if we split.

My head tells me to forgive him and move on together. But I'm struggling to remember why I married him. I certainly don't want to sleep with him right now and this fact alone is about to turn into an issue (he's always been quite pushy about sex.) I've been avoiding him for almost a week now, because I don't know what to say to him, whether to make up or break up. I told him when I foind out that I would try to forgive him but I'm not sure the affair is the problem any more - its more that I don't know if I still believe in the relationship.

So WWYD? Work at it or start talking separation?

First of all.. I want to address this bit..

His depression would certainly spiral out of control if we split.

HE had an affair.. he cheated on you. What did he think would happen if you found out?

Do not let pity for him cloud your judgement over the decision you make. His depression is not your fault, nor is it your problem to deal with.

I personally could forgive (I think) a one off that happened in a moment of madness, but an affair would be the end for me. An affair is premeditated deceit.

You also have to put yourself first. One day your children will be grown up and have left home, and it would be just you and him then. You have to consider if that is what you want.

Children dont stay small very long, by the time they are in their teens they will be off doing their own thing.

Finally, as for sleeping with him, that should be on your terms now, and your terms alone considering his cheating. Do not feel pressured into it.

Your children are learning how to be an adult in an adult relationship from watching the two of you in your relationship.

If you have a son would you want your son to be a ranty, arrogant cheat who feels entitled to sex?

If you have a daughter would you want her to date a man like this?

They may be very young, toddlers even, but these are the lessons sinking in even now. You say you've not been perfect either, so you've come down to a low level too- how does that justify staying? If anything it gives me more reason to suggest you consider a split.

Money is incosequential, happiness is priceless.

he sounds bloody horrible

affair or no affair, you don't even like him very much

why anyone would take so much responsibility for a dick like this, I will never know

Maybe this affair will set you free OP. It doesn't surprise me to read that you were unhappy before it and that you have been giving more to the relationship.

What's in your favour is that you sound very objective and dispassionate about him, suggesting that you have detached too. Perhaps the affair had the effect of finally severing what had become a habit, rather than love.

I can't imagine you respect him much either and the cowardly discovery he let happen, would have further eroded any dignity accorded to him.

From what you describe, I'd view this one as a matter of who flinched first. Cut your losses and move on.

I know I sound objective and dispassionate, unfortunately I'm not really - I'm hurt and angry. And scared about how all this will affect the kids.

I can't work out want I want. One minute I've made my mind up to leave, the next he does something terribly sweet and I remember why I like him.

I'm not very kind about him above, because I'm so angry with him I guess.. Yes he can be arrogant and ranty and pushy but he can also be sweet and understanding and sensitive. Its like he's two people sometimes.

I agree with WWIFN and Peter here.

You sound as if you have moved on already to me. Like you've resigned yourself to the fact that HE, yes, HE had an affair/fling/whatever and has let you down, that there is nothing more to say/do IYSWIM?

He's not the man you thought he was.

I've said this before on another thread but sometimes, it's just not worth trying to make a relationship something that it no longer is or can ever be again, sometimes there is no happy ever after.

You say he's like two people, one of those is the nicer person, the one who doesn't cheat.

The other has no respect for you.

Why stay?

I'm coming from a fairly naive position here but having looked at that freedom chart surely any more than one or two of those is enough to leave, let alone an affair?

It's not your job to manage his depression, especially now he's broken this trust. He doesn't sound like a nice man.