Should I/shouldn't I contact this man's family?

[thx1138]

I have an elderly neighbour (84)who is increasingly giving me cause for concern however I feel out of my depth and don't know what to do for him.

We have known him for 7 years and in the last 2 his life has become chaotic, he is increasingly unwashed (smells strongly of urine), he has been assaulted (glassed), has two court appearances coming up for separate driving incidents, has let his utility bills go unpaid, has not been taking his medication (anti-psychotics)and today the police came and searched his house for somebody's medical records which they say he stole from the local GP.

He came round this morning after this latest incident and was very upset but couldn't tell me how this charge came about, couldn't remember what the police had said etc.

He has always been a good neighbour to us, he's intelligent and quite open minded for a man of his age. We are happy to help out and do so frequently. However, the more we hear the more concerned we are.

Anyway, whilst we are happy to do whatever we can, dh feels that that we should notify his family. He has two children who live in the south (we are in the North). I am not so sure because from what I can gather, although they speak occasionally they are not close. I think he left them/their mum when they were young. They certainly both know that he was glassed a few weeks ago but have not been to see him.

I feel that calling his family is not the way to go and just wanted to run that by the Mumsnet jury. If your dad had been absent from your life for most of it how would you react to a stranger ringing you up and expressing concern for him and suggesting that you might want to help him out? I don't think the answer would be positive and I would understand that.

It's a buggers muddle really because clearly he is on the radar of the authorities and they are doing nothing either. I have avoided contacting social services so far because I know he would hate that - he did have a social worker but this appears to have stopped because of a conflict with is last social worker - over a year ago. It seems that he is really on his own out there until he dies in bed or has some sort of tragic accident.

I'd probably get in contact with them. Although they're not close, his welfare is their responsibility.
Or you could try the health visitor attached to your gp's surgery, they're for the community not just new mums.
It's nice of you to care so much, there isn't enough of that about imo.

Would he allow you to speak to the police on his behalf? Sort of as his advocate. Be there when the police call?
I think your best bet is to get his approval for what you want to do, not go behind his back, because that is likely to cause upset for both of you.

I do speak to a lot of other agencies on his behalf, including his solicitor re the two pending court appearances. I doubt he would mind if I spoke to the police about this latest incident. I will ask him later. I think he would flip however if I were to suggest contacting social services.

I would contact social services. He obviously needs a helping hand. If he doesnt want this, then at least you have tried. I wouldnt want it on my conscience. At least the opportunity is there, he can take it or leave it. Good Luck.

Contact Adult Social Services and make them aware of his situation - they will contact the family.

I would not do anything that would make him 'flip'. You have got a way in, don't spoil it. Don't treat him like someone who needs to be patronised. That's not helping

I suppose the worst the family can do is tell you that they don't give a shit. You could just ring in a 'thought I'd let you know' way, rather than suggesting that they help him out. Then it's up to them what they do with the information.

You could call Age Concern and see what they suggest too? Or Age UK which is what I think they're called now. They were very helpful with my nan

I think call the family. You've at least given them the option of contact then - they may not know how bad things have got. If they ignore the situation and don't help, at least you'll know you tried.

Thanks the comments. Not sure that we would or ever have patronised him DutchOma but I will take the comment on board.

I spent most of last night thinking about this. I have decided not to contact his family or any other agency. It is not our place to make judgements about his life or to initiate any action that might change it just because we don't like it. I think that chaotic incidents aside he enjoys his life, eats well, sleeps well and is generally physically healthy and active. If he needs help he asks us and so I think the best approach is for us to simply be around when he needs us and provide support lead by him.

Yes, yes and yes again. I'm sure you are right. Offer to help, make suggestions as to what action he might take, offer to do a wash for him maybe, but don't take over.
You sound such a lovely neighbour.