how bad is stonewalling?

[tetleytea]

My OH has always had this tendency but i've tried hard to overlook it. But in the last year or so it's really started to get to me :( We've talked and talked over the situation that usually sets it off to try to clear the air.

He's admitted that he knows he does it, and that it's infantile...but says it's his kind of "last resort" reaction. I completely disagree - to me it seems more of a default reaction so he doesn't have to express disagreement.

Anyone else got OHs that does this? Do you put up with it?

I agree with every single word 'dignified* has said.

I was going to ask you if he does this on special and happy days. Then i read about your dd's birthday. My ex used to ruin every birthday/xmas/party. I don't know if i'm right on this but i think it was punishment. For being happy, for being more sociable than him, more liked by friends and family. Some men will beat you up, others will use this sort of abuse (much more clever imo). Both have the same effect: prevent you from living and having fun, constant fear, turning into a shadow....

Thanks so much for your posts everyone. It's been really helpful getting other perspectives. I'm trying really hard to keep an objective head about everything.

Laquitar - the stonewalling doesn't happen that much when we're at home, doing normal life, concentrating on work, daughter, house, everyday routine. Things run normally, he's a pretty reasonable bloke, makes a lot of effort to do the breadwinning, DIY dad thing (that makes him sound like a real trad type, he's not)

Just as you said, the sulks start on holidays, at xmas, birthdays, when i wasn't well. I can really see a pattern, and it's hard to get a balanced idea of it because of all the reasonable normal behaviour in between. But the stonewalling has a devastating effect on me. My sister has quite a skewed view of him, though she does like him, because so many of his sulks have happened at her house.

I think it is really ingrained, waterrat. We've been together a long time, and looking back i can think of other examples, but it didn't used to get to me so much, or life and decisions were more straightforward because we didn't have our daughter.

My dh does this too. After many years of looking for his 'talk' switch have decided to leave him be as I would a petulant child. He's admitted that sometimes he just doesn't know what to say or at other times he would be offensive if he did speak .So now I save my energy for the bigger issues, I do challenge him assertively, calmly and allow time for him to respond. I do not tolerate any huffing around dcs. I praise them for talking through stuff when they're angry, don't want them growing up retentive. Works for us and dh does seem to be coming along and I've stopped wasting so much energy and angst.

My Exh did this. It was utterly horrible, frustrating and turned me into a shrieking fishwife.

Once, he explained to me in a letter what was happening inside his head when he was doing it: he said that because he felt he was being criticised (he always stonewalled during an argument about anything) he would feel a burning shame and violent anger inside and just 'shut down.'

The impact on me and our relationship was god-awful. He would shut down and I would get more and more wound up, sometimes begging him to talk or just say SOMETHING.
Often he would wait until I was just yelling and then he would say quietly 'I can't talk to you when you are in this state' and turn round and walk out. I said to his retreating back so many times 'BUT YOU HAVE GOT ME INTO THIS STATE BY REFUSING TO TALK'

Oh god it was horrid horrid. He would walk away very slowly and deliberately and go and get into bed and hide under the covers usually in the spare room. One night I went in to him and literally begged, crying, for him to talk to me and he told me to 'fuck off'.

His stonewalling was so bad he disappeared on three occasions. Once for two days, a year later for three days and the following year for a full five days. He didn't answer his mobile, I had no idea where he was. On that last occasion, when he walked back in the door, I asked him where he had been and why and he said 'I thought the marriage was over so I just left.' He had gone to see a play in Stratford, partied with mates in Bristol and blown nearly a grand on new clothes.

Stonewalling is very very abusive. The perpetrators can turn it round and make out that it's your fault for driving them away or into silence. But it's totally deliberate, extremely aggressive and very damaging. My Exh was a selfish, self-absorbed, controlling, deceitful liar. He enjoyed seeing me get into such a state while he sat or stood in utter silence. He enjoyed winding me up like clockwork, with his long long silences.

If your partner can use this abusive, selfish, nasty and cruel behaviour even on his daughter's birthday, there is little hope. It is shitty behaviour that he needs to resolve himself - but as someone else said, he won't because inside, secretly, he doesn't think he is ever in the wrong

I think separation sounds a good idea for your little girl's sake and your own mental wellbeing.