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Any positive stories from BS that reluctantly decided to separate?

6 replies

lostinthejungle · 15/03/2011 05:48

Hello there everyone. I have posted separately and at massively excessive length (apologies again!) about my confusion over husband's affair, which I discovered just under 2 weeks ago. I am in a pretty desperate state and although separation is probably not what I want right now, it is something I am thinking about a lot. So I wanted to ask a specific question here:

Can any of you tell me that you went on to be so much happier having reluctantly left your husbands (or wives), even while you still loved them, despite all the impact that divorce can have on children, and without being sure you were going to end up in a better place? Or, to the contrary, did you regret it?

That's the issue at hand, feel free to answer without reading any further! But if I can explain some more:

I am not talking here about someone who has lost all love for spouse, or who cannot see any way to get past the rage at a wayward spouse. I both love my husband (I think, not fully sure of my feelings in any respect right now) and I would honestly like to be able to forgive him (still don't know if I can, have never in my life felt so hurt). I have little doubt that H, despite what he did, is massively in love with me. He has always been highly affectionate with me, always told me how much he loved me, always been sexually attracted to me.

Problem is not just whether I can forgive the affair, but also the fact that our relationship had become totally dysfunctional because of my resentment at having to support him financially for 11 years, and his failure to develop as a person (think 33 year-old teenager). Carrying all the burden has left me burnt out and depressed as a person, and that left him feeling so unloved that he had (what according to him) was a meaningless sexual affair. That said, he is finally on the verge of opening a business and having the chance to prove that he can change that dynamic.

At the same time, DS has massively close relationship with H. This child is my life and I can't imagine what it would do to me to see him crying for his daddy. Who, most likely, would be living on a different continent to us if we divorce.

So, there you go, anxious to hear from anyone who might have been relationship situation with even the most minimal resemblance to mine. Thanks!

OP posts:
lemonstartree · 15/03/2011 07:22

I cant comment about the affair issue, But I can tell you that almost 10 years of financially practically and emotionally supporting my financially illiterate STBExH left me with NO respect for him.

There were multiple other issues in our marriage (including abusive behaviour and drug taking/alcoholism) but IMHO if one party takes NO responsibility for financial matters in a partnership, ultimately it will be bad news. Ans, also, IMHO respect, once lost-is very very hard to regain.

lostinthejungle · 15/03/2011 16:51

Dear lemonstartree, thanks so much for your post. I take it that the abusive behaviour and drugs/alcohol were from your husband? (Sorry, can't assume because my H felt I was emotionally abusive to him.) My situation is complicated by the fact that hub is basically really good-hearted, sweet person. He's just as dopey as shite, scuse my language. Therein lies the problem of regaining respect.

Can I ask you, do you have kids? If so, how did it go for them?

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 15/03/2011 17:20

As Paulo Coelho said recently, "The fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself."

He has let you down and let your DS down. He failed you, he betrayed you. He could have said no. He has refused to take any responsibility fo rhis life, for his marriage for his family or anything. He sat back and let you carry everything and basically has been semi-gigolo for the last few years.

The reason you have managed to make things work as far as they have done is 100% down to you, not him, he has been coasting.

It's one thing being a bit lazy, a bit dim or lacking in get up and go, another entirely banging a prospective supplier. Did he get a good price for her wares in the end? Angry You can tell I am livid for you.

I think you are well within your rights to come home, lick your wounds and tell him to get his act together or you will not be coming back. He needs to understand that you are voting with your feet, that you will not tolerate being taken for a mug, having him shagging around.

Get the bugger STI tested too, BTW - This is VVV important! It hurts a LOT too apparently! Grin

He needs to understand the consequences of his actions, ONE, that he will lose you, TWO, that your DS will go too, and THREE that you will have him tested as many times as he gets his leg over.

He needs to prove himself, last and only chance. If he doesn't win your respect decisively then tbh, you are well shot of him. Someone as dynamic and educated as you will have no trouble finding a proper man. One that WILL take care of you and your DS and step up to the plate. Your H needs to understand this well.

You have to teach buggers like these how to respect women, cos sadly over there, as you know, it doesn't always get taught naturally.

lostinthejungle · 15/03/2011 19:34

LMHF, it is a reflection on my state of mind that your virtual hug means so very much to me. It really does, and I thank you so much for it.

Everything else you say really helps me mentally as well. I do sincerely believe that H is a good guy, not the typical Latino by a long shot, and I do believe that he will never do this again if I choose to stick with him. But I know from the outside it looks like the typical tawdry gigolo situation, and that's hard for me to completely detach from. What is most important is that everything you say about this being one last shot (if, indeed, I can give him that).

Problem with heading home as I would very much like is that family and friends, who will of course support me, were never happy at my choice of partner(educational level above all, then of course his "failure to progress"), and they will turn on him completely. So if I head home now, it really has to be the whole hog, no turning back. I also have this massive mental block about my son. Because he's an only kid (not by choice), I have been so concerned for him to have stability in his life. He loves his hippy-dippy school, no way there will be anything similar at home. Feel like I can't just chop and change on him.

Thanks also for mentioning the STI thing again. I'm not clear that the tests he's done so far are sufficient and so I think I will post that question separately.

Gracias, mi querida.

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 15/03/2011 21:48

De nada mi amor!

I've lived abroad, well both before 'H', in Brazil, and when H and DS in his country Egypt. When stuff happens, it's the loneliest place on earth; anywhere that is not HOME.

OK, a smidgeon of tough love now.

If it quacks like a duck. It's a duck. Grin

If your H, does naff all pretty much, lives a good life, thanks to you and your working all the hours, and the minute your back is turned, shags some 'supplier', yes it DOES make him look really, really bad. He needs to work his culo off to win back your respect, to stop sinking and start swimming. Until such time as he has re-gained your respect and earned your trust, what is he if not some kind of gigolo? Have you let the anger out at him, or are you trying to bottle it up? He needs to feel you wrath somehow.

I think that somehow, you have to look past all of this, and formalise in your mind what YOU want to get out of this. Where you want to be, how you want to feel and live. What you want FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY: Self respect, self love, a feeling of confidence in yourself and your choices. You need to be proud of your life. Talking Heads 'Once in a Lifetime' used to run on a loop in my head at times in Alex. this is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful life....

If you give him the shot across the bows he needs right now, and then HOLD YOUR NERVE, you can potentially have all that you need, love and desire.

Either WITH him or by yourself or with a better man. You are allowed to be happy second time around!

He has clearly had few boundaries. You need to set them in CONCRETE and now.

If he genuinely can't be a decent, loyal trustworthy man, one that gives his word and sticks to it, tbh you have pretty much no chance of getting through this. You will lose all respect for him (and it seems like there is very little left as it is)

Once that is gone, in creeps contempt, and there isn't a thing that will rid you of that. Take it from me.

if you set him straight now and he rises to the challenge, great, wonderful. If not, you can cut your losses, live where and how YOU want, doing the best for YOUR DS going forward and all will be better.

My 'H' went home to Egypt at the end of February. He didn't cheat though, he abused me. verbally mostly, but physically too. In short after 6 years of being together in London, he went native the minute he went home. We were there 3 years. I hoped he'd become the person I had fallen in love with when we were back home here. Turns out that person never really existed. Turns out I never knew him at all.

My DS (5) is also an only son (again not by choice) I would never, ever have educated him in Egypt. He needs to be educated so that he can compete on an international level, the British School in Alex, as far as I know is full of namby spoilt local mummas brats, or expats living some illusion of a dream. an education there would have crippled him.

I don't know exactly where you are, nor do I recall how old your DS is, but tbh, you need to take a much more serious view about his future. Hippy Dippy may be a great deal of fun for now, but may not serve him well, especially if he will be the only family you/DH have as you approach old age. Mercenary, perhaps, but life is hard enough.

Your family can be dealt with. I understand they can say stuff that will hurt. They may even have a point. Your H doesn't deserve any loyalty from them, and in fact if you were to put him in front of them for the bollocking he bloody well needs, it might get it into his head the betrayal he has perpetrated against you. You can put your family in it's place, you are old enough and entitled enough to say Oy, that is the father of my son you are talking about, he may have done wrong, and we may be having things hard, but it's my business to sort.

My family haven't said anything to me, but then again, they weren't really here for me either. My dad is my dad, off with his OW/DW, playing at a decent life, one where his children don't exist, and my mum and her H went down under for 4 weeks, booked for 3days after he would have left. She didn't even tell me she was thinking about going, so I know she did it to avoid picking up any pieces.

I know how lonely you must feel, and I have been there, so you know where you can find me if you need a chat, a laugh or a vent.

Don't forget too that there is always someone here on MN, we all wish the best for you and hope that you can find some clarity, peace of mind and serenity.

LittleMissHissyFit · 15/03/2011 21:49

Oh crap that was way too long... sorry!

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