Frustrated over communicating with ex

[DizzyDiva]

Hi I'm very new to this, and feeling rather frustrated tonight with what's happening in my life .

My H left about 6mths ago, we have 2 children under 10. We had not been getting on for some time and he had been suffering with depression for a couple of years, we were under some stress with finance, study and general every day life with two lovely children. There have been numerous arguments in the past some ended in me being injured and some with him storming off (with sometimes me telling him to go) and spending a couple of nights away at relatives. This time he left and sent me a text the following morning saying he wanted a trial separation. We spent a couple of months trying to talk, even had a "date" but nothing was changing, then during a conversation I got a text saying that he did not think he wanted to come back. I asked in person and got the answer at the moment I do not love you or want to be with you.

I lived in hope for a while that things would improve, they didn't so I thought in order to move on I will start making our house, my home by moving his stuff from my bedroom to the attic.
This infuriated him.

At the moment I feel he cannot bear to be in the same room as me. He does not even look at me when I am talking to him. I only see him when he comes to collect the children. The last few times he has come in and sat down with them when it's been a little early to take them to their activities. He walks round the house like he still lives here.
I have no access to his living space and I feel a sense of invasion when he is here and I feel like I don't know what I should do, leave the room, stay in the room, I've offered him a drink or something and he's not wanted it. I usually tend to find something to do/read or watch so it looks like I'm not watching him. But then I'm accused of following him round the house when he moves. Sometimes this will be because I've gone to help the kids finish getting ready to go.
He does not tell me what time the children will be back and whether they will need a meal. The children tell me what they have been doing and what he is doing and I feel he just does not pass on any messages.
I have tried to communicate via email but I get one word replies or replies unrelated to the questions I have asked and no answer to my questions. I feel so frustrated.
I would like to be friends and respectful to each other in front of the children but it does not seem possible and I?m always left feeling like something he has stepped on.
Not sure how I feel I am mostly content on my own, but I do miss the cuddles, the caring (when it was good) the sharing, someone to talk to about worries about the kids and I miss him. He seems like a completely different person.

Just feels better getting my frustrations out. Thanks for reading!

Would it be easier to arrange a drop off point rather than have him coming into the house? Or drop the children at his parents house if that is possible?

ask about "parenting apart" or "separated parents" courses - my local gp service offers this for separated couples.

or sit with a nmediator to discuss best ways to handle pick ups.

and set out when he will have dc and whether he will feed them or not times and so on.

my exp would also have problems with timing and not feeding dc - they found it very unsettling

Thank you. It's not just the food stuff, he's beening living 70 miles away with relatives and has found a place to rent nearer where we live and he works. He told DC this weekend, they have been having ideas of which room they will have and when they will stay there. None of this has been discussed between us, when I said we need to have this discussion I just got a one word reply - agree!
I'm dreading this discussion and it will have to be done via email as face to face usually results in anger and him storming off or hanging up.
I find this all so hard after being together for more than 20 years and the communication has gone to one word.

Perhaps it is to early to get to the friendly times, hold in there because they can come when things have calmed down.

I understand how you feel about him comming into your house, I felt exactly the same way after ex left, he came one day all the way into the kitchen and took something from the fridge. I could not have predicted how territorialy offended I felt about that. After that, there came the checks where he would appear very early in the morning to have a look around the house and into my cupboards in case I was "hiding someone".

If your ex is like my ex, any advances you make to improve the situation will be taken as personal attacks, so in those cases it is better to back off a bit and wait for the storm to pass.

A thing that may help is to arrange for after school pick up with him returning the children to school on the following morning. That could give you both some space until things have calmed down.

I think you need a bit of help for yourself. You say he's injured you in the past, and he does sound very controlling. He's got you dancing to his tune even though he's left. It would be worth speaking to Women's Aid for help. You don't have to be battered for them to help you. He's using emotional abuse to control you. You deserve better. Oh, and get those locks changed if you're able to.

Your home is your home, not his any more (particularly as it's been his decision to leave). So if you don't want him in there, you can keep him out. What's the state of play re the ownership/tenancy of the house? It might be worth talking to a solicitor, but something you need to bear in mind is that this man is unreasonable so there's no point in appealing to his better nature or hoping he will see sense: with men who behave abusively it's best to get a legal structure in place and step it up when necessry (eg if he gets violent again).
WA is a good idea. Best of luck.

With the solicitor charging an average of £3 per minute, I would appeal to that absent good nature for a while. Going striaght into a legal battle in the middle of all the turmoil of the break up, it is not exactly the best idea when so may decisions should be taken with a cold head.

Avoid conflict for a while, he shouldn't be entering into the house, but it is easier to meet him in a park, school, public place for handover, than launching a legal battle so early into the process.

I still want to get back with him, after everything that's gone on and I feel so respsonsible for the break up, as I did get angry and use my tongue which could be quite nasty. He blames me for the times when I did not shut up and it resulted in me getting hurt, and I know that I did not physically make him hit or push me but I also had a choice of shutting up and walking away and I didn't. He did once say that maybe I'd wanted him to injure me. I didn't I never thought it would get to that even after it had happened once, it came as a shock. But even though all of that I still want him back.
People say stay away he can't change, but he wasn't always like that, yes he would get angry and hit a wall ocasionally, but then it became me, but not all the time maybe just 3 or 4 occasions and the DC have heard it but not seen it.

But if I think we can get over this why can't he. Then he left and when I moved his stuff he got angry with me and upset that I may have spoken to a solicitor, which made me think he does not wnat it to ttally end either. I think one reason he left was because he is ashamed about his behaviour and does not want that to continue, he is receiving counselling too.
But I don't understand why he suddenly went from yes lets try to sort things to no I don't want to and not being able to face me or even tell me to my face what's going on.

I am going to see a counsellor. I haven't changed the locks as legally he is entitled to have access when he wants cos we have shared ownership. The children are happy with him coming here and he has now started to knock on the door as opposed to letting himself in, I don't want to upset them any more so am trying to keep things light.

Sometimes he appears to ahve a better nature and others not at all. He's a bit of a Jekyl and hide at the mo.

Lovey, he's still controlling you, and under no circumstances would a loving, respectful partner hurt you physically, no matter what you do. He doesn't want you to speak to a solicitor because then he loses some control over you. He'll continue to hurt you even now. Definitely get some counselling, and also speak to Women's Aid as they really can help you a lot. x

I'm sorry but it sounds like a good thing that he left :( No one ever, ever, ever "has" to hit you because you "make" them.

The reason he has changed his mind about coming back? Like TheVisitor says, he's either playing nasty controlling games, or there's someone else on the scene.

You are well rid. I hope one day you are glad he left, because you wouldn't have.

Thank you for all your replies, I've thought of writing here a few times after a friend told me about it, but I wasn't sure it would help.

I think it has seeing what I'm saying and reading all your replies are some of the things I've tought for myself but then thought I was being wrong and closing a door on what feels like a life time with someone. My dad died when I was 19 and my youngest sis was 13. Perhaps that's why I've tried so hard, possibly too hard and ended up pushing him away further with my distress at the thought of loosing him. I wanted to so much for this to work and your right sufficient I wouldn't have left.

Reading all this back it does not feel like I've written it, like it's someone else and I'm agreeing with all you've put. It's like when the cousellor said to me what would you say to a friend if they were going through what you are.
Thank you.

PLease do speak to Women's Aid. This man is a shit. You didn't force him to hit you, he chose to do so. He likes having power over you and won't change.

Make sure your dcs are ready and they can meet him at the door and go straight out. He doesnt get to come and sit in your house anymore , who does he think he is ?

I dont beleive he left your loveley family home to be a guest in his relatives house , i think it more likeley hes met someone else and has now detatched from you hence the cold behaviour.

Either way it sounds like a good thing that hes gone , he sounds aggressive and controlling . I would seriously speak to womens aid .