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Relationships

should i contact my ex?

12 replies

whatsagirltodo · 23/10/2005 21:34

i need advice!!! this is doing my head in.

basically, i recently have found a way of getting in contact with my first love. We went out whilst in college and were madly in love. I however decided to go to a different uni to him and i think got cold feet. so i called it off. After a few weeks i realized i'd made a mistake and begged him to take me back. We still ended up going to different uni's but were together. Long story short - he cheated on me and we both called it off. Saw him maybe once or twice after that as a friend and once we did get it on. Anyway the last time i saw him was in 1995. He came to my house to tell me his uni results. We parted on good terms. I then went off travelling for a year. when i got back i met my DH and after 2 years we got wed. We've been wed for 5 years now and have a 6 month dd.

I am happy with my dh but over the years have always wanted to know what my ex has been up to and what he's doing now. I would love to know if he still thinks of me too etc etc. I think about him nearly day and still feel like i'm in love with him. Should i contact him to get closure?

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hunkerpumpkin · 23/10/2005 21:36

No, because it won't be closure, it'll be the beginning of something. One more phonecall/email will lead to arranging to meet, and then what?

Either that or you'll find out he's not thought of you since and is happily married to somebody drop-dead gorgeous and living a millionaire lifestyle.

Don't do it. The past is the past for a good reason.

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moondog · 23/10/2005 21:39

Well only you know what your true motives are.
There are a couple of old bf's that I like to know about (one is friendly with my sister,the other best friend of another friend0 but hand on heart,I don't want them back. Just curious and like to know they're happy.

All enquiries made with dh's full knowledge btw.
Maybe that is the litmus test?

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muppet73 · 23/10/2005 21:39

Trouble is I think it wouldn't be closure because you woulld either like him and spend more time wondering what if or you would dislike him and ruin your fond memories of that time of your life.

What does your dh think - if you wouldn't seek his opinion on it then you have your answer - in your mind it is not an innocent curiosity if not discussed with dh.

OMG sounds like I talk from experience!

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whatsagirltodo · 23/10/2005 21:45

I could never discuss it with dh because i feel like he wouldn't understand my need to do this and therefore hate the idea. I'd hate it if it was the other way round. I think part of me wants the fantasy and excitement back.

The thing that makes it such a hard decision is that dh is a perfect and loving husband and father and is the most thoughtful person i know. he is wonderful so why isn't this enough?

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muppet73 · 23/10/2005 21:54

Its the grass is greener thing - us girls spend forever trying to find that perfect man and then when we have him we think maybe the thrill of the chase is better.

My opinion - Do not call him but just email if you think you can leave it at that - he is not going to give you the answers to questions you want anyway - impossible as I bet they are what ifs.

Best spend your enenergy on creating a special "date" night with your dh - memories of your ex will soon fade.

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hunkerpumpkin · 23/10/2005 21:55

He'll still fart in bed - not worth the hassle and heartache, IMO.

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MrsMiggins · 23/10/2005 21:57

thats life - we alwaus want to know the "what if"

I wouldnt bother..if you're happy, dont look or ask....will onbly lead to trouble

we're always curious although thankully I'm pretty sure the exes Ive left behind are loosers!!!

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muppet73 · 23/10/2005 21:58

HP - soooo true

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hunkerpumpkin · 23/10/2005 21:59

Also, he cheated on you. Why are you so keen to meet him? He'll be farting in someone else's bed as well as yours!

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MeerkatsUnite · 23/10/2005 22:00

First loves bring powerful emotions but if you pursue this you will open Pandora's Box.

My counsel for what its worth is to leave well alone. As hunkerpumpkin wisely points out ex's are ex's often for good reason. He cheated on you - remember?. Staying friends with ex's rarely works out hence my counsel. He may have changed in ways that you do not like.

Perhaps you are thinking that he may provide you with something you seem to be missing - the fantasy and excitement. I would work on this instead with your DH.

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whatsagirltodo · 23/10/2005 22:04

HP - very funny!!! i'm having to chuckle to myself quitely as dh might wonder what i'm reading!!! - very true

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hunkerpumpkin · 23/10/2005 22:05

Arrange to meet your DH in a hotel bar one night...but don't tell him you've organised overnight babysitting and booked a room upstairs All the excitement of an affair - with none of the hassle!